The marker I tried to use that matches my hair color dried up. How appropriate.
Lost my shit at Xander today. He ran away so I had to talk to others about everything that was going on. Talked to Gomez and Sky. Gomez told me that he had a patent on acting like a sadsack on social media. I asked him if I owed him royalties, and he said no but he WAS issuing a cease and desist. Sky told me Xander had a reputation for being a bit bonkers and encouraged me to get out of the situation. We then talked for a while about how important and personal our projects are to us, and I started to feel a lot better.
What I realized is that Xander isn't right about me. I thought he understood me because he would just put me in a box of "things that are wrong with me", and they were all things I was afraid of being true in my most insecure moments, not things that actually ARE true. I believed it because of my shitty self-esteem. How everyone who REALLY knows me reacted to his assessments of me, how I reacted, that's what's really true. Not a depressed person's idea of me.
Ramona and Esteban bought my ticket. I am going to West City.
I don't need Xander. I don't *need* anyone. I'll only have people close to me that are good people, who don't make me feel like shit about myself and challenge me in kind and honest ways.
The shitty parts of myself that Xander latched on to, me at my worst - those insecurities and fears don't define me. I have no desire to dwell entirely on them. I can be so much more than that. He brings out the worst in me. What happened to that "sunny and ambitious" girl that Alex saw? That Spooky, Ramona, Esteban, BGK, my brother and all the others see? They ALL know me a damn sight better. Probably better than I do sometimes.
Augh, why do I have a thing for the depressed ones?
Gomez tells me to run away to West City and fall in love with someone.
Sky says not to worry about things and to keep my chin up.
I will finish my project without him.
After my Croatian, I wanted to fall in love so badly again. Just as real and true as I had with him. I think I need to be alone for a while or else I am going to keep making these same mistakes.
Xander called me up after all this threatening suicide, implying that it was my fault. Bluh. I don't know what to even do about that.
So I saw this quote that struck a chord with me: "Just because someone makes something beautiful or something you like doesn't mean they're a worthwhile person". Maybe that's why I got so caught up with Xander? It's a fallacy to think just because you like and understand someone's work that you like and understand them as a person. Maybe I was projecting my hope that someone may someday like and understand MY work and feel that way about me.
Desperately seeking love and understanding and jumping at whatever looks like it might fit.
I need to take that false, shitty me that I thought I was and put it in my project.
The kind of person that angrily pushes people away so they don't get hurt or seen as weak.
Time to dye my hair again.
Maybe I'll dye it like that one character in my project. Then change it to match each one as I go. How dorky would that be?
