Secret Diary of a Lost Girl

Disorganized, unedited journal entries pulled from a few well-worn moleskines. Author unknown.

[badperson-blog]

Book 4 - 003.

Oh god why am I hesitating showing him this? Is it because I'm horribly ashamed of the last entry? Of feeling a tiny bit jealous?

I'm so afraid it will change things. That maybe he won't be himself around me anymore or will back away.

But we swore total honesty to eachother, so if it changes things then maybe it should?

He's not interested anyway, why am I even worried. It's not like a not-interested person is gonna get even less interested.

I'm really not making this any better on myself if I am just gonna show him after all this blather.

Fuuuck. Quick like a bandaid.

I showed Ramona everything and passed out from exhaustion. She accepted me. Still getting used to that. Letting people in to this extent is fucking terrifying, but it went well.

GOD I'm a wreck.

[badperson-blog]

Book 4 - 002.

Wow. It's been 2 years, more or less, since I wrote in this notebook's beautiful pages and I've come to have a whole new appreciation for how lovely it is. The man who gifted it to me so long ago died yesterday. Had to think about that for a moment. Was it really only yesterday?

Reading the only entry I put in here that long ago, that was kind of a mindfuck. I had so much less to worry about back then. But I was still struggling with being afraid of myself and my potential. Still so afraid of it. I need to knock that off, make sure I can do good things. So much to atone for. So many paths left to blaze. So much to get better at.

"You can only do so many projects before you die".

West City is calling. Only a few weeks away now.

Need to finish this project. Prove to everyone I can go it alone. Prove it to myself. One woman team.

Ramona and Esteban. So many feelings. God I hope we stay together and don't damage this rare, precious thing that we have found in eachother. So worried about not doing this perfectly.

Especially since I have feelings for both of them. Especially Esteban (possibly from seeing him so often - Ramona is still a country away). Capital F feelings. Not that trying to fall for whoever is there and close to me. God damn me. That is the dumbest thing. I hope it's not simply because he and I could NOT be together, but I don't think that's the reason. The kinship is too strong. It is with Ramona too. They're quickly becoming some of my best friends. We completely understand eachother.

Fuck.

FUCK.

Stop that. Not fair to me, not fair to Ramona, not fair to Esteban.

He holds me close and tells me he'd follow me anywhere. Chides himself for saying that.

He cuddles up to me and tells me I was the deciding factor in his going to West City.

He goes to another girl's house afterward.

Stupid, stupid. Jealousy is the dumbest emotion.

I get poetry from a bisexual magician while we're out. I read it outloud because it seems so pretentious.

After getting rejected by Esteban again, I go out with the magician. In spite maybe? Out of loneliness? Insecurity? All of these maybe? Or something entirely different?

I don't know my own heart on this one.

Two days ago, the hipster tells me he can't be with anyone right now. Stresses that fact. I tell him I understand and I'm not looking to be with anyone either.

The next day, he's with someone else.

Always second place girl. Such a stupid thing to think since I can't be with anyone right now anyway. Why do I even care?

Maybe I just hung out with the magician because I wanted to feel like someone could still want me.

[badperson-blog]

Book 1 - 002.

Cole, cole, cole. You want me to be yours but the whole time I am with you I am thinking of that Croatian I met. I'm thinking of how when I made a loving point which made room for people other than us he'd close his eyes slowly, nod his head and say "exactly, exactly" and pirouette on a point you could never quite grasp. It's so evil, Cole, but the ways that you aren't show me how much I am drawn to him, how I'd rather see his easy smile for two seconds than hear a litany of praises, bound in misunderstanding, leave your mouth. I feel like a bastard for feeling this but you leave my mind as soon as he enters. I make some bullshit excuse to end this farce of a date early and not lead you on. I leave to go be with him, tell him I want to settle down. I wander over to my Croatian's new place, fall in to his arms, and everything makes sense. I try not to say it but the realization becomes too much. I love him, and he loves me back. This is it for me. This is my soulmate.

[badperson-blog]

Book 1 - 001. (The First entry)

We meet in a bar, pre-planned with the words exchanged before left minimal. The patio is lit by sunset and christmas lights, and we sit in red leopard print chairs as we talk about life, the universe and everything. Conversation, libation flows. Neither one of us dominates the conversation, neither one interrupts. We talk about how tragic, absurd, and beautiful it all is. How everything and nothing matters, and our willingness to revel in that contradiction and chaos. We change settings to a park, where after discussing one's obligation to society vs one's obligation to oneself he tackles me in to the dirt, kissing passionately, woo-hooing teenagers be damned.

We go to his place where he apologizes for it looking like someone lives in it and he tears my clothes off. We soak ourselves in sweat on one of the hottest nights East City's ever seen. He is just as intense, just as VITAL in bed and out, and rough in all the right ways, the ways most lovers I've had who care about equality and social justice are for some reason. His flawless body only highlights the inadequacies of my own but he continuously tells me how beautiful I am and makes me believe it. We worship at the altar of humanity 3 times, body fluids passed as sacrament.

We pillow talk more deep topics before sighing ourselves to sleep in eachothers arms. A while later, I get dressed to use the house's bathroom as the full moon shines in at just the right angle, casting me in a jazz singer's spotlight while highlighting the curves of his body, and everything is beautiful.

I return to his arms and my fingers wander over his scars which so closely mirror my own, seen and unseen. The most intense thunderstorm I have ever seen kicks up. He cups my head to his chest and I feel infinite. Maybe because this is the closest I've had to an equal in a lover and it brings in to clearer focus all the existential things I hold dear. No matter what happens now, this night was perfect.

[badperson-blog]

Book 2 - 016.

Overhearing a widow make phone calls telling people he died. Blinds are drawn across the hall as they mercifully remove the body. Her script is evolving. She's getting used to it. So strong. This is how humans work - we can get used to anything. She is so fucking strong.

"The body's been removed, by the way", BGK says to me.

Got a message from a dead man on skype several hours after he died.

I need more beer.

[badperson-blog]

Book 2 - 015.

BGK's dad died today at our place. I'm 4 beers deep as of writing this. Came home immediately. Tried not to look at the body. He's like a second dad to me. Was like? Past tense is so fucked. Just heard a cop say "it's time for body removal" in the next room. Asks BGK if he wants to say goodbye. Feels so wrong. The weeping of a widow one door over. She's being so strong through all this. I got in, didn't know what to do. As I got off the bus, the paramedics passed by me and my heart just fucking sank. We all hugged and cried for a while. His sister over skype said "The cruelest thing is that life goes on. It doesn't stop for us". And she's completely right. BGK's putting on his dad's bracelet. His mom says it was bought for him. I didn't know what to do so I dumbly offered to make them breakfast. I wanted to make sure someone took care of them. I didn't know what else to do. I cried out loud "it's not fair. It's not right" while washing the pan downstairs. So useless. We all ate breakfast together with a dead man 10 feet away. Breakfast with a dead man. Talked about small things. Things besides the corpse in the next room. He was so full of life. So full of goodness. He fucking radiated it. I tried not to look at the body but I accidentally saw it and it was SO WRONG to see him like that. "The body". Not his name. Not the nicest man I've ever met. Being an organism is such a joke. The thing they don't show in movies and tv is what happens after someone dies. The phonecalls. The cleanup. So much to do.

[badperson-blog]

Book 3 - 017.

Meeting with my co-founder today. Kind of feel weirdly pushed out of my own org considering how much blood, sweat and tears I put in to starting it but I understand. I broke down. I freaked out. I bailed and left her holding the ball and I have no one to blame but myself. But I talked to Ramona about starting a West City version of it and she's down... Even says she has contacts that would help us start. If my co-founder is game, I think we could do so much good out in West City.

Talked with Esteban after Ramona told me he was "Being Esteban". That tends to mean withdrawing and stressing out, which is the worst combo of things because it's this nasty loop of stress -> withdraw -> stress more about it -> withdraw further, ect. I told him he's saving me by going out there too. He said he's not used to being the person who impacts others, and that it meant a lot. And that we really needed to see eachother soon, for both our sakes. True story bro. I'm so glad he's starting to get it.

I love our little total honesty triumverate.

I hope it doesn't get insane.

[badperson-blog]

Book 3 - 016.

*Tries to look cool at a cute dude at a diner*

*ends up spilling coffee everywhere*

Yep.

[badperson-blog]

Book 3 - 015.

The marker I tried to use that matches my hair color dried up. How appropriate.

Lost my shit at Xander today. He ran away so I had to talk to others about everything that was going on. Talked to Gomez and Sky. Gomez told me that he had a patent on acting like a sadsack on social media. I asked him if I owed him royalties, and he said no but he WAS issuing a cease and desist. Sky told me Xander had a reputation for being a bit bonkers and encouraged me to get out of the situation. We then talked for a while about how important and personal our projects are to us, and I started to feel a lot better.

What I realized is that Xander isn't right about me. I thought he understood me because he would just put me in a box of "things that are wrong with me", and they were all things I was afraid of being true in my most insecure moments, not things that actually ARE true. I believed it because of my shitty self-esteem. How everyone who REALLY knows me reacted to his assessments of me, how I reacted, that's what's really true. Not a depressed person's idea of me.

Ramona and Esteban bought my ticket. I am going to West City.

I don't need Xander. I don't *need* anyone. I'll only have people close to me that are good people, who don't make me feel like shit about myself and challenge me in kind and honest ways.

The shitty parts of myself that Xander latched on to, me at my worst - those insecurities and fears don't define me. I have no desire to dwell entirely on them. I can be so much more than that. He brings out the worst in me. What happened to that "sunny and ambitious" girl that Alex saw? That Spooky, Ramona, Esteban, BGK, my brother and all the others see? They ALL know me a damn sight better. Probably better than I do sometimes.

Augh, why do I have a thing for the depressed ones?

Gomez tells me to run away to West City and fall in love with someone.

Sky says not to worry about things and to keep my chin up.

I will finish my project without him.

After my Croatian, I wanted to fall in love so badly again. Just as real and true as I had with him. I think I need to be alone for a while or else I am going to keep making these same mistakes.

Xander called me up after all this threatening suicide, implying that it was my fault. Bluh. I don't know what to even do about that.

So I saw this quote that struck a chord with me: "Just because someone makes something beautiful or something you like doesn't mean they're a worthwhile person". Maybe that's why I got so caught up with Xander? It's a fallacy to think just because you like and understand someone's work that you like and understand them as a person. Maybe I was projecting my hope that someone may someday like and understand MY work and feel that way about me.

Desperately seeking love and understanding and jumping at whatever looks like it might fit.

I'm such a mess.

I need to take that false, shitty me that I thought I was and put it in my project.

The kind of person that angrily pushes people away so they don't get hurt or seen as weak.

Time to dye my hair again.

Maybe I'll dye it like that one character in my project. Then change it to match each one as I go. How dorky would that be?

[badperson-blog]

Book 3 - 014.

Seeing my brother and those guys was so good.

But. East City's still not where I belong.

Saw MT today. Wished I was dead instantly. Locked eyes with him. Ice in my veins. I didn't know what to do or say. All I could remember is the feel of his disgusting dick against my back while I was curled in a ball crying. I hate this.

"The hardest thing about having any success is finding people who will be happy for you".

I wish I knew what was right so I could just do that already.

I should track down Esteban.

West City is calling.

Am I even likeable?

Always running.

What exactly is it that I'm feeling right now?

I want to get out of here and start over. That was what was so nice about North City, other than Xander. Can't start over in a place with little to explore and nothing to grow though.

I wonder if the biggest thing that's fucked me up about this whole MT bullshit is that I don't trust people so well anymore.

I wish I didn't care at all if people liked me or not.

The sun is shooting through empty windows on an unfinished building.

I hate my heart.

Everyone else seems like such a better person than I am.

[badperson-blog]

Book 3 - 013.

On a flight from Atlantic City to East City. Listening to "Peace is On The Rise", drinking a free beer, and taking photos of clouds which seems to have cured my fear of flying and replaced it with wonder.

Things are looking up.

Oh fuck me I didn't mean that pun at all.

This country feels so empty in the parts inbetween cities.

Fuck it, I am going to that party tonight and I am going to be myself.

East City, I've missed you.

Me, I've missed you too.

Shit. Now I miss the Croatian. This song haunts me so much. I don't mind this time though.

Jim's new girlfriend told me I was poison and that she hoped I'd kill myself. On facebook. While I was making fun of Nickleback. I tried to talk to her after resisting the urge to push her buttons. I remembered that I was that scared and jealous once too. So was Laura. He certainly seems to have a type. I remember how shitty and nervous I felt ALL THE TIME when I used to regard other women with suspicion and hate. I also remember how it was just my insecurities talking. How I thought that I was so worthless that all it would take was a glance from one woman, ANY woman, and I'd lose the person whom I'd invested so much in. That feeling sucked and left me emotionally stunted for quite some time.

This would be an interesting thing to touch on in my project. Getting past girl-hate was a big deal for me and it still is to this day.

Anyway, I want to reach out to this girl.

She must be so scared if she's lashing out to strangers on facebook with this much rage and virtol.

Maybe I can try talking to MT before I leave once more.

It can't get much worse, right?

Oh man, I see East City.

Had no idea I missed it this much. There are so many people I want to hug right now. I should get on that.

Oh fuck I see landmarks. I want to hug the fuck out of my wonderful, beautiful friends.

Especially BGK and my brother and Spooky.

Oh god they're all so close.

I could cry.

I might.

Fuck.

These last few months have been so fucking hard but I feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now.

I can't be THAT horrible if I have all these wonderful people in my life.

Fuck.

FUCK.

I am so happy to be alive right now.

The sun is breaking through the clouds as we land.

It looks like heaven.

This is so beautiful.

Remember this moment!!!!

[badperson-blog]

Book 2 - 014.

Started typing these out. Changing names in a rather pretentious manner, but so fucking what if I'm pretentious? If me being honest inside my own head is somehow pretentious then I guess I just fucking suck then.

I am so obsessed with finishing this project.

If I can make this project a success maybe I can even out the gender imbalance and become another possible example for young girls wondering if they can do it too.

Maybe I can help some girl realize that.

This whole row of seats is mine.

Such a tiny plane.

West City is alluring but could I even do that?

Everything is mindblowingly flat here in North City. Creeps me out.

Ramona's a kindred spirit. Kind of want to go everywhere with her.

It looks like a totally different world when you're up in the sky.

[badperson-blog]

Book 2 - 013.

I skip back and forth between these two notebooks so erratically. I'm sitting in a tiny plane, en route to Atlantic City, enroute to East City, then enroute to where? Last night I saw a documentary on my craft. Sat next to the man who inspired it, who publically stated how in love with me he was during it. Stated it to everyone but me. I saw Gomez. I saw my brother and Tim, making faces at a camera for me. I talk to Gomez till 4am, feeling some kindred spirit in him after watching him flip out. We try to come up with a Bechdel test for our craft. He offers me a place on his floor if I need it out of nowhere.

Xander tells me this morning that he was feeling good about us only when I express worry about us. He sulks. I pull him out of it. My moody scorpion. He tells me how I don't know how strong I am and that he wonders if I'll leave him if I realize it. Cold one moment, clingy the next. Such a mystery. Almost blue. It's almost touching, it'll almost do.

So close to being able to have my smokes and my city street wandering.

So close to having perspective on all this.

Scared I'm pregnant.

[badperson-blog]

Book 2 - 012.

So. I think we figured it out last night. Neither one of us could accept the other easily because we're both too similar. We can't accept ourselves so we can't accept eachother. Our good sides magnify eachother but so do our bad sides. He's how lost I was after Brian. I want to stick around now. Total paradigm shift.

Gonna totally immerse myself in my project and him now. If it goes sour, there's always West City.

[badperson-blog]

Book 2 - 011.

Fuck, I still can't get my Croatian out of my head.

So many ways my life could go right now.

Could fuck off to West City in a month, Ramona and Esteban tell me. Finish my project myself and figure out some way to fix this mess. Try not to fall for Ramona or Esteban in the process.

Could stay in East City but ehhhhh.... I need to start over again and not fight those same fights there.

Could stay in North City and try to work things out with Xander. Don't know if that's a good idea. He can't seem to trust me at all. It's making me seriously wonder if I am some horrible shitty person and if people are usually uncomfortable and weird around me all the time. I feel like no one likes me here.

Maybe I need this isolation. I don't know.

I'm not sure who I am anymore.

I need to walk the streets of East City, chainsmoke and think on this.

I hope I'm not losing it. I'm really starting to wonder.

I need to figure it out.

I don't think Xander loves me. I don't feel like he even knows me sometimes. I am guessing most of my frustration stems from trying to reach out and let him know me, let him in, but he doesn't seem really all that interested in anything but my flaws. All of our conversations drift back to him and his feelings and mine don't seem to factor. I don't know if I can talk to him about my feelings. I tried discussing this with him last night to no avail, only to judgement and sourness. Hmmm. Maybe it's just a missed communication somewhere. He requires a lot from me emotionally but doesn't seem like he is in a good enough headspace to give much back. He seeks reassurance often but if I need it he becomes upset. I don't know if this will be easily fixed but I want to try.

[badperson-blog]

Book 2 - 010.

This isolation feels too intense. I think the only times I feel truly isolated are when I don't have control over my own fate. I can't get out, I can't be alone if I want to without harming his feelings. I can't just be let be without a barrage of questions and it feels like my answers are never sufficient. So many miscommunications. I don't feel like myself here most of the time. Promised Seth I'd go back home before deciding. Seth knows me. Better than most. I don't feel like a good person anymore. Or a better person. Xander teaches me I am selfless by nature to a fault, which I can police better within myself. I adore him but I don't think I make him happy. I don't think I can be happy feeling like his love just vanishes when he is feeling shitty. It's not his fault, he's not even remotely a bad person and I think we'd be great together if I had my own space and wasn't reliant on anyone, but I can't figure out how to do that right this second. I might need, for the first time in my life, to live on my own with only myself to answer to.

[badperson-blog]

Book 3 - 012.

(Drunk)

I want to be here. I really do. It kind of feels like things have been colder since last night. I don't know how to deal. I feel like if I push things, they'll get weirder. He's still feeling his breakup. A lot of the time when we fight it doesn't feel like he's talking to me. It seems so preemptively defensive. Then I get defensive, too. It pisses me off since there's no real reason for it. And all day, I've felt like I still love him but its not the same on his end.

It kind of sucks that Orlando's husband is crediting Xander for my words. I said "we need to conduct ourselves honestly" but he says he's only hit by it when Xander says it.

Fucking hell, how often is this going to happen.

Their son is trying to communicate unconventionally. I can see it.

He always picks colors of candies in a certain order that corresponds with the pitch.

blue -> yellow -> green -> pink

I signed "are you sleepy?" at him and he came up and flopped down on me and got up as to say yes. Now he keeps pointing and putting his head down. I think he's trying to tell us he's tired. I think I have a captial T Thing about making sure kids don't feel ignored.