march 28, 2026 - a social reflection
My friends aren't truly my friends. It's a bit pretentious of me to be thinking this but it just feels like they're just playing with me. In classroom settings when we get to relax and they get to chatting, they only ever call me over when they want to make me the butt of the joke. Now, I know that I don't really pay much attention to their conversations because it genuinely doesn't interest me, but the fact that they act so patronizingly when I try to say my opinion on something... its so belittling. what really made this clear to me was this friday, It was an event where we had to sit down and watch some performance. As we filed in, I was staying close to my friends, hoping to sit beside them. One immediately said "you better not sit beside me", and I thought they weren't being serious, just joking around. because there was no way he was that disgusted with me, right? So I sat down with one empty seat between us, but he still rushed to move to the back row when he saw me sit in the same row just one chair away...
Am I really that repulsive? I practice good hygiene and all so surely I dont stink or anything, right? that moment just stung so painfully. And when I looked around at the rest of us audience, I was the only one in that row and chunk of column, completely alone. it's genuinely insulting. Thankfully I kept it in until I got home, which is when I finally let myself break down.
I miss my other friend... this 'him' would never move away and so loudly announce that he didn't want to sit next to me, Because this 'him' truly saw me as a friend...
another smaller occurrence in the same day that was painful was the fact that some people from the other sections refused to sit in the seat next to me on the bus. I mean, I understand that they wanted to sit next to their friends, but they were even looking at me with displeased expressions, like they were' weirded-out' by me.
I dont think I can take this for much longer...
have I ever truly meant anything to them?
or am I the only one who sees us as 'friends'?
