"don't fall for me, okay?" that was almost the first thing you said to me. it was like you knew you had to draw the line even before anything has started. too bad you didn't know the kind of what's right in front of ya, didn't you? i look at you in the eye with the most guileless smile, you smiled back and without a second I replied, "who said anything about falling?"
we both somehow acknowledged that this unorthodox encounter will only last for more or less three weeks, i didn't know how, but i think we just plainly knew what the setup was, right? one of the many reasons why everything was so convenient, i think for the both of us, but surely for me.
it was never gonna be love in the first place, we both knew that. but who knew that the quantum of vibe between you and i was enough for me to walk over that facade. don't fret though, it was still not love— i still don't like you. short to figure it out but i believe it was fondness; i was fond of always hearing your stories. i was fond of your contagious laugh. i was fond of being weird and stupid with you. i was fond of your music preferences. i was fond of your thinking capacity. i was fond of your smell. i was fond of you treating me like someone i never have been before. i was fond of you, matthew leviman. but i didn't dwell on it because fondness isn't that formidable, isn't it?
i know that this fondness will soon grow faint, but how soon is soon enough when its your smell i sleep with in my bed every night? how soon is the end when i still see your toothbrush sitting on my bathroom shelf every morning? i have been keeping an eye on the days that i have to leave everything behind.
i started spending my nights alone again and even though i'm used to it, for the first time in a while, i felt like somehow something is missing. i started to feel a slight sting from which i dont know where from, not from the heart though obviously; maybe from my brain? i couldn't get enough of you, the idea of getting you. i think my co-depency needs was alive once again. i knew i had to just endure until this small fantasy of mine vanish into thin air so i start to feel nothing again. and with that i kept reminding myself: i found you— and that was enough.
and at the end of it all, you were just a boy i once knew.
☾ oliviatotsuki