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i have no clue what i want to do in life and it’s not getting better with age. i don’t have a plan and i don’t understand how anyone does. i just want something that pay the bills so i have the time and money to be a human

#i keep applying for the most random positions. i guess i just care ab the money #i have no passion for anything #not even the stuff i like. i wasn't born to do anything or be anyone #i just dont want to be homeless #it's so hard to hold down a job too #borderline impossible

wait lmao if i’m getting slightly into psychoanalysis and seeing connections between ways that I talk and things that authors have written about then that means that sooner or later i’m gonna have to take seriously the fact that I have a massive weird complex about Names that probably is the tip of an iceberg i’m not sure i want to uncover

#I Cannot #like Can Not #remember names #regardless of whether it's somebody i know or a theorist or academic #regardless of how well i've known them #or how long i've known them #i once forgot the name of my jr high/high school english teacher in 11th grade #i had known her since i was born #it's such a common thing that i will basically always have an 'escape route' sentence planned out in my head #in case i need to buy time to try desperately to remember a name #before it comes to the part of the sentence where i have to say it #and like saying the names of ppl i'm speaking to or trying to get the attention of is like #borderline impossible #like I Can Not Make My Self Do It #when i have to get somebody's attention with their name it takes like a long time of me 'practicing' in my head #which like isn't something that's there if i get their attention any way but using their name

just spent a full day showing my incompetence to my coworkers in person. Hahaa

#help im making such a terrible first impression #i know its not all lost and its just one day and i can make it up by working hard to do better in the future but that sounds #so hard #borderline impossible #maybe i am just incapable and shouldnt have gotten this job #god

The amount of jealousy I feel towards actors who can makes themselves cry easily and on cue is insurmountable.

#IT'S NOT FAIR #I find it so fucking difficult #borderline impossible #because I NEVER cry in front of people and have fought against it my whole life #so re-learning how to be that vulnerable in front of a camera is mighty fuckin' difficult for me #ugh #personal #acting

#borderline impossible

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