#bottlehawk text

[bottlehawk]

"this is my queerplatonic partner. if you didn't know before, a queerplatonic relationship is when - " it's okay. you don't have to explain it to me. they've already prepared me for this subject. i've been here before. they're your moirail

[bottlehawk]

no sburb beta earth au where dave "microcelebrity" strider suddenly gains a big following on the internet after a spike of people discover his sbahj comics online when a screenshot of one goes particularly viral and turns into a [top text/bottom text] meme and some hipsters are like "woah,, this is actually some really avant garde stuff". when he's churning these out sitting in the bathroom stall at school once a day during lunch period. so then he gets REALLY popular and then inevitably gets cancelled at some point when a communications/poli sci major reads one of his comics and then types up a whole memo board explaining how sbahj is actually neo-conservative propaganda written as part of a conspiracy to undermine the 2008 obama presidency. and there's a whole rage war since the memo board was written really convincingly with red arrows and circles drawn around sweet bro's head and everything and dave hasn't made any public statements about it and also no one actually understands what sbahj is about. so threads are being written up about this and people are like emailing death threats to each other over it and someone even tries to doxx him and then manages to find out he lives in texas and some people start actually taking the whole thing seriously because He's From Texas (never mind the fact it's houston). meanwhile dave just started his midterms and he has to focus because he actually cares about school and his future and so he takes a short "hiatus" which people freak out even more over because they take it as him backing away due to the allegations online. and then after winter break dave comes back and opens up a q&a for his 169th "bro wee ar doign it wee ar making it hapen" special and at some point after a barrage of questions in his inbox (q: was "swety bro and hela jeff crassh on the freway" inspired by a real car accident you were in? a: i don't own a car / q: what job do you have in real life? a: unemployed but i pick up roadkill off the street sometimes / q: who did you vote for in the 2008 primaries a: i didn't) someone finally has the bright idea to ask "hey how old are you" and he replies "i'm 13" and all hell breaks loose.

[bottlehawk]

i love rose lalonde so much she is like "i want to play this game because i want to see my dead cat. not that he's that important to me but i'm going to try using a time machine in my mom's lab to teleport my cat. i ended up cloning my cat. i only knew him when i was five and i am thirteen now so i don't really care. the lab is on fire now. i'm going to take one of the clones and name it mutie. last year i made a snowman of my cat in my yard. my cat is dead now in my backyard. after i heard his last words i've been scrawling them in my journal ever since. i don't think much about my cat though. i found my cat's body in my mom's room and grabbed it. the world is about to be destroyed by meteors. i'm going to put my cat in this glowing orb now so i can revive my cat. now i am in a new world and my house is gone. my cat is here. i'm telling him i love him. i missed him so much."

[bottlehawk]

calliope and caliborn homestuck are literally "sorry i just got back online. my little brother went on my computer while i was sleeping and he hacked into my account. no i did not send those slurs in chat it was my little brother who hacked into my account. he also thought it would be funny to go into your dms and commission you for yaoi art. that wasn't me it was my little brother who is evil."

[bottlehawk]

hs kids' first day on the earth c minecraft survival server

jake: starts digging straight down as soon as he spawns. keeps digging. keeps digging. keeps digging. no one ever sees him again

jane: enters ready to get everyone organized. half the server immediately runs off doing their own thing. stops the remaining crew before they wander off so they can start building a base before it turns to night. gives everyone roles and then has to go afk because she was on her lunch break and is actually playing minecraft on her company computer. comes back hours later and finds the entire server on fire.

karkat: gets a stone hoe and some wheat seeds thrown at him and is told to set up a wheat farm. nods even though he's never played minecraft before and doesn't know how. clicks the ground with the hoe and it seems to do something so he does that for a while. dave comes over and asks him why he's been just plowing the ground in one really long straight line. tells him to fuck off so he does. wishes he hadn't when he realizes he could've asked him for help. figures out that if you click on the ground with the seed it plants it and decides he's actually a minecraft genius and doesn't need anybody's help at all. dusts his hands off proud of the work he's done and then goes to try to find kanaya.

kanaya: is given a stone axe and is told to chop down some wood for the houses. does and gives roxy some stacks and goes to chop down some more wood because she honestly finds it kind of therapeutic. ends up clearing an entire mountain. night comes and mobs start sprouting up and she chops them down too. is surrounded by fields of floating rotten flesh and bones and cursed armor when suddenly she sees flames in the distance near the base. starts marching down there with the grim resolution of an executioner, ready to now start chopping some necks.

terezi: learns how to craft a flint and steel and discovers the magic of fire. laughs maniacally as she starts burning cows she runs into and laughs even more when she discovers they drop cooked meat. wants to find more things to burn. finds a raider's base and the sound of the wood torching up into flames does something to her and she starts setting fire to the entire forest. stumbles across the base. sets fire to one of the buildings. karkat comes over and yells and asks what the fuck she's doing. sets karkat on fire. laughs as she watches him run in circles not knowing how to stop the flames. suddenly gets murked by kanaya who's sneaked up behind her, and continues being hunted down by her as she respawns for the rest of the night.

jade: wanders off and finds a cute little village. decides that she's adopting it now. places some flowers she's picked along the way around to make it look nice and pretty. tames and places some cats around the perimeter and puts some torches nearby to keep away mobs. builds a water fountain in the middle of the town square. waves goodbye to go find some wolves to tame and promises that she'll be back.

dave: builds elaborately detailed dirt penises all over the farm while karkat works and negs him. karkat tells him to fuck off and go do something useful. fucks off accordingly and finds jade's village. raids everything from the chests and all the crops. puts dirt dicks all over the place. kills the cats for string and free exp. kills some sheep and creates beds and pushes some of the villagers inside a shitty little acacia building he made with a sign on it saying "breeding pen". throws some potatoes at them and then blocks up the entrance. turns around and immediately gets blown up by a creeper.

calliope: is the only one given op privileges as she is the only one that everyone can trust to have it. decides she wants to build a big cool glass castle in the sky. has just finished building the base when jade types in chat that whoever destroyed her village is going to pay. types "oh no!!!" in the chat. gets a dm from dave asking her for sanctuary because jade is going to KILL him. remembers that he's made NFTs. sends jade screenshots of the exact incriminating parts in the server log and happily continues building her castle.

rose: has debug screen turned on. immediately crafts several stone axes. runs off to the nearby desert and finds a desert temple and raids it, crafting an iron bucket. fills it with water and goes to a lava pool and builds a nether portal. enters the nether. speed bridges over to a nether fortress and makes a wither skeleton farm and proceeds to grind for ~3-4 hours. collects enough wither skulls. readies her bow and summons the wither and starts using its detonating blasts to mine down for ancient debris.

roxy: tried to convince everybody at the beginning to download 727378282 mods to make the server "more FUN!!". was unsuccessful. gets told to make some houses and beds for the base so she does. looks for other things to do and finds karkat's wheat farm and is flabbergasted. why is it in one long straight line. there isn't even any water. where is the water? tells john to go get her some redstone while she fixes it up so she can automate it.

john: not sure what to do. roxy tells him to start mining for redstone ("its red and shiny lol you wont have to dig that far"). digs straight down into a cave. realizes he forgot to get wood but decides to go on anyway. uses up all his stone pickaxes mining copper because he doesn't know what it is and it looks cool. hits a slime and it divides into more slimes and he freaks out and runs away with two hearts. keeps running and finds a door in the side of the cave wall. opens it. wanders around in a cool maze and then enters a weird room with some yellow and green chest like boxes. suddenly gets attacked by a little bug making a screechy sound and panics and dies.

dirk: rounds up some animals into pens for the base and then busts out a boat and a fishing pole to try to get them a book of mending. is chilling in the middle of the ocean and then sees that dave gets blown up by a creeper in chat. asks if he's okay and if he needs someone to come over. sees that karkat got killed by terezi. sees that terezi got killed by kanaya. asks what is going on. is now rowing back towards base. jade types that her village has been destroyed. jane has logged on and is asking why the entire base is on fire. is crafting buckets and filling them with water. sees that rose got an achievement for summoning the wither. texts her "Dude did you just summon the Wither???". rose ominously replies "I've got it handled." sees john got killed by a silverfish and roxy asking when the hell john found the stronghold. jake gets a cheating death with a totem of undying achievement. proceeds to have a total aneurysm.

[bottlehawk]

thinking about that one brony tumblr blog that hated homestuck for some pretty legitimate reasons and kept getting asks/anon hate mail arguing with him and harassing him to read it because he's a brony so what the hell does he know about good media apparently and then he eventually begrudgingly did a live blog where he hate-read the webcomic, but in a stunning turn of events after like 2000 pages of "jesus fucking christ this shit is garbage" he started forming opinions and preferences about it and then ended up becoming a legitimate fan by the end. anyway that was our universe's dirk strider

[bottlehawk]

i had this fun early 2000's family comedy spy movie idea in my head where dirk is a super secret international spy who had kids with roxy when they were young (accident). roxy took the twins and now dirk lives with his buddy and spy partner jake out at some super secret hideout in the middle of nowhere. they're planning one of the biggest heists of the century when someone manages to trigger one of the alarms and infiltrate their base and they catch the intruder and it's dirk's 12 year old daughter, rose, who's doing a presentation on her family for school and wants to interview dirk so she can get an A+ for it.

meanwhile at home dave is freaking out because he's been dressing up and pretending to be rose for the past few days but the babysitter their mom hired after heading out on an important business trip is starting to get suspicious about the fact that dave and rose never seem to be in the same room...

yeah. rose would be one of those advanced college reading level genius kids who uses big fancy vocab words and is extremely smart and adjusts speedily in a scary way. she'd tag around dirk and jake in the base for a while as they try to figure out what to do with her and get involved in their heist and try to help out somehow. also there'd probably be some family drama moments between dirk and rose and all that. dave would be wearing one of those gamer boy middleschool tshirts in every scene and playing fake videogames on a xbox. simon pegg would appear at some point.

[bottlehawk]

hanging out with rose and dirk is having two people constantly alternate between smugly infodumping on you and the other asking "oh? source?" and subsequently entering into a verbal game of battleship over your head with each pretending that they didn't get their information from a random 3 hour video essay they saw on youtube online