But there is no way you can convince me Zelda, without her father breathing down her neck, Purah and Robbie as enablers, and Impa too old to keep any kind of leash on her, wasn't just as unhinged if not moreso.
Link: (making a bigass mech out of sticks and chewing gum) I saw Zelda do this with magnesis before the Sheikah Slate went caput! I'm gonna give it a try!
Author: Lizziebearfanfiction (me)
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance, Fluff
Pairing: Zelda x Link
Length: 1227
Description:
Zelda decides to help her husband in the kitchen, but her attempt at satisfying his sweet tooth goes terribly wrong when she lights the house on fire.
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the charaters, locations, etc., borrowed here from Nintendo.
The house was on fire.
Link jolted upright before he had fully registered what was happening. The smoke was so thick that he could barely open his eyes. As quickly as he could, he ran to the railing separating the upstairs from the downstairs and swung himself over it, landing with a roll that barely missed the table, but his elbow did catch the chair. He didn’t notice. Cutlery and plates tumbled as a result. He covered his mouth with one hand, fighting to keep from violently coughing and wasting time, and tried to find the source of the flames.
Through the smoke, he saw a flash of blue. Zelda, he realized. Zelda is in the house! He lurched through the door to the kitchen and flung himself at her. “Zelda! We need to leave! The house is on fi-”
He froze, one hand extended toward the Princess, and stared. Zelda stood before him, entirely unfazed by the thick cloud of smog that engulfed the kitchen. In her hands was a platter, and on the platter were a dozen burned lumps. Behind her, the oven door was open. Another tray of unrecognizable blobs were charred and burning – hence, he realized, the smoke.
“Zelda,” he said, doing his best to keep his tone level, “what, exactly, is happening here?”
“I made cookies,” she answered, giving him a puzzled look.
“Cookies,” he repeated. “I see… And, when you set out to make these cookies, did you intend to burn down all of Hateno, or was that collateral damage?”
It was as if Zelda only just began to realize the extent of the mess she had made. Her eyes widened, and she threw the platter down on the counter and lunged for the oven, frantically trying to put out the flames. Link stared blankly at the newly singed countertop, and the towel nearby that was beginning to burn. All the while, the Princess was yelling a colorful and vastly varied series of obscenities. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he took note of a few choice phrases and stored them away for later.
After several more minutes of panicking, during which Zelda wildly rushed around the kitchen, trying to salvage what she could, and Link began opening windows to let out the smoke, the fire was finally smothered. When it was over, he sat down at the table in the main room and looked at his wife.
“Zelda…”
“I know! I’m sorry,” she said, gesturing wildly. “It’s just, you always cook for us, and I thought that maybe I ought to help out! It was supposed to be a surprise!”
“It was,” he muttered.
Zelda flopped down into the chair across from his and looked at him with guilty, piteous eyes. He felt his heart melt.
“You know I don’t mind doing the cooking. You’re always busy up at the lab,” he said, his tone significantly more gentle than before.
“I know,” she grumbled. “Still…”
Suddenly, her expression brightened. “You know, the cookies might not be completely ruined. They might be a little tough on the outside, but I’m sure the middle is fine.”
With a growing sense of horror, Link began to understand what she was getting at. He glanced toward the kitchen and saw the mounds of coal-like whatevers still sitting on the counter. His stomach twisted. “Zelda…”
“Come on!” She jumped up and ran into the kitchen. “Just try one!”
“I really don’t think-”
“Just one,” she pleaded. He stared at her. She stared at him and slowly donned a pair of oven mits. He felt like crying.
Within minutes, Link was looking down at a plate of terror. Whatever was sitting in front of him couldn’t possibly be edible, but the way that Zelda was looking at him, he knew he had no choice. Slowly, reluctantly, he picked up his fork and knife.
“Good idea,” Zelda said enthusiastically. “I bet, if you cut through to the middle, it’ll be good.”
Somehow, he doubted that, but he couldn’t bring himself to argue. If he was being totally honest with himself, he couldn’t even bring himself to breath, lest the smell cause him to be sick. Zelda smiled at him. “What exactly is in this?” He asked, taking care not to waste any oxygen.
Her smile grew wider. “It’s a secret!”
His mind drifted back to the frog incident, and he couldn’t hide his shudder.
Her expression crumbled. “Do you… Do you really not want to try it…?”
That was all it took. In one valiant motion, the Hero – and, for this, he truly lived up to the title – cut the “cookie” in half, lifted it to his lips, and deposited it onto his tongue.
His eyes immediately teared up, and it took every last ounce of determination not to spit the abomination out.
“Do you like it?”
“Y-Yeah,” he choked out. He couldn’t bring himself to chew.
“Great! There are plenty more. Here, let me go get them!” She practically skipped back into the hellhole from whence these things had come. Before she could catch sight of him, Link spat the cookie into his napkin and shoved it into his pocket.
“I don’t know, Zelda… I’m not feeling well,” he said, trying to be as convincing as possible. She poked her head back out.
“Really? Well, maybe you’re just hungry.”
No, he wanted to say, but he couldn’t. Before long, he had managed to choke down two of the monstrosities his beautiful spouse had created. He’d had potions with Hinox toenails that were better than this. He felt sick.
“You know, you must really love me.”
He looked up from the empty plate, and saw her looking at him with an imp-like grin stretching across her face. He felt dread twist his stomach almost as badly as her baking had. “You didn’t,” he growled.
“I did.”
“You made me eat these horrible things as a joke?!” He got up so fast that his chair fell over backwards. Zelda’s eyes widened.
“Well, I-”
“ZELDA!” He roared.
Before he could take another step, however, a horrible cramp overcame him, and he crumpled to the floor. Zelda’s look of fear turned to concern.
“Link?” she asked tentatively. “Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not,” he groaned, clutching his stomach. “When I get ahold of you, I… I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m torn between strangling you and devising a fantastic revenge… Maybe something to do with frogs…”
“Normally, my pranks lead us to wonderous things, but I’m starting to get the feeling that you aren’t going to be in the mood…” She walked over to him and kneeled down.
“I think you poisoned me,” he said.
“I’ll go to the store,” she sighed. “I’m sorry. I won’t cook again.”
“No, you won’t.” The cramps were becoming unbearable. He was feeling so nauseous that his head began to spin. Zelda stood up and rushed out the door.
“I’ll be right back! Hang in there!”
He laid there on the ground until she was gone, and then stood up, brushing himself off. She should know better by now. When he was done tidying up the kitchen, he positioned himself behind the door and waited. If there was one thing Zelda hated, it was being tickled, and he wasn’t nearly as bad of a tickler as she was a cook…
