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Jan 20

truth hurts

pairings: post prison spencer reid x fem!reader / fiancée

theme: angst

summary: spencer comes home late and find reader asleep. He explains the hostage situation with JJ and reader can see he is torn, leaving her hearbroken. They fight, they yell and then she leaves.

content warnings: be prepared to cry because I certainly did.

words: 3967k

The apartment was quiet in the way that only came after midnight—soft, careful, like it didn’t want to wake anyone. Lamps glowed low in the living room, warm pools of light reflecting off framed photos and half-read books. You were curled on the couch beneath a blanket, waiting longer than you’d promised yourself you would.

The front door finally clicked open.

Spencer stepped inside slowly, as if the weight of the night was still pressing against his shoulders. His jacket hung loose, his tie forgotten, curls more unruly than usual. He looked exhausted in a way sleep wouldn’t fix.

He locked the door behind him and turned—then froze when he saw you.

For a moment, he just stood there.

You must have drifted off at some point, because the next thing you felt was the dip of the couch beside you. A familiar presence. A familiar warmth. His hand settled gently on your leg, fingers curling just enough to ground himself. A light squeeze.

You stirred, blinking blearily as you surfaced.

“Hey,” he whispered, voice rough.

“Hey,” you murmured back, sitting up slightly, the blanket slipping to your waist. One look at his face and your heart tightened. “You’re home late.”

“Yeah.” He swallowed. “It was… a lot.”

You waited. You always did.

Spencer leaned forward, elbows on his knees, hands laced together. He stared at the floor as he began to talk—about the hostage situation, about the fear, about the seconds stretching into eternities. His words came fast at first, clinical, detached. Profiling language. Survival language.

Then his voice cracked.

“And JJ—” He stopped, breath hitching. “She said something. She… she told me she loved me.”

The room seemed to go very still.

You didn’t interrupt. You watched him instead. The way his jaw tightened. The way his eyes were glassy, conflicted, almost haunted. You’d lived through his prison trauma with him, through nightmares and panic attacks and silences that lasted days. You knew his tells.

He believed her.

“I didn’t know what to say,” he continued. “I didn’t—there wasn’t time, and I—” He finally looked at you then, eyes desperate. “I love you. I do. What we have is real. JJ doesn’t—she doesn’t change that.”

But you could see it. In the way his gaze wavered. In the way his shoulders slumped like he was carrying guilt he didn’t know how to set down.

You nodded slowly, more to yourself than to him.

“I know you love me,” you said quietly. “And I know you didn’t ask for that to happen.” A shaky breath left you. “But Spencer… you’re torn. I can see it.”

He shook his head immediately. “No, I just—”

“She matters to you,” you said, not unkindly. “And not just as a friend.”

Silence stretched between you, thick and painful.

You didn’t work for the BAU. You weren’t in the field, didn’t live with constant danger or shared trauma—but you weren’t naïve either. You knew what it meant to stand close to that kind of bond. You’d always respected it.

But this?

This was different.

“This makes me feel like I’m standing in second place,” you whispered. “Like no matter how long we’ve been together, there’s always going to be something unfinished between you and her.”

Spencer reached for your hands, holding them too tightly. “She doesn’t mean anything. Not like that. I swear. But I- I'm ”

You pulled your hands back gently, shaking your head.

“No.”

His face fell.

Then the words came out sharper than you intended, pain pushing them forward. “But what, Spencer? She’s married. Married. For fucks’ sake.” Your voice trembled. “She has two kids. They’re your godchildren.”

He flinched.

“We’re supposed to get married in the spring,” you went on, tears burning your eyes now. “I’m planning a future with you, and tonight you come home looking like you just lost one.”

Spencer’s shoulders caved inward. “No,” he murmured. “No, honey. Not at all, no.”

That was all he had.

And somehow, that hurt the most.

A soft, broken sound escaped your chest as tears finally spilled over. You stood abruptly, the blanket sliding to the floor.

“I can’t do this,” you whispered.

He stood too, reaching out instinctively. “Wait—please—”

But you were already walking away.

The zipper of the bag was too loud in the quiet apartment.

You flinched at the sound, breath shaking as you shoved the last shirt inside. Your hands wouldn’t stop trembling. You hated that you were crying like this—hated that it had come to this at all.

“Don’t,” Spencer said from behind you, suddenly closer. “Please don’t do that.”

You froze.

“I just need the night,” you said, voice barely holding together. “I need space.”

“No.” The word came out sharper than he meant it to, and you turned, startled. His chest was rising and falling too fast, eyes wild in a way you rarely saw. “No, you don’t get to just leave. Not like this.”

“Spencer—”

“You’re packing a bag,” he said, gesturing helplessly. “You’re acting like this is over.”

“I didn’t say that!”

“But you’re treating it like it is,” he snapped, and then immediately winced, hands flying up to his hair. “God, I— I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“You did,” you said, tears spilling freely now. “You meant it because that’s how it feels.”

He stepped closer, blocking the doorway. “Look at me,” he begged. “Please.”

You did, and that only made it worse. His eyes were red, jaw clenched so tight you thought it might crack. This wasn’t calm, gentle Spencer who talked things through. This was Spencer terrified of losing you.

“I came home to you,” he said, voice breaking. “Not her. You were the one waiting for me.”

“And yet she’s the one you’re falling apart over,” you shot back.

“That’s not fair!”

“Then explain it to me!” you yelled, the sound ripping out of you. “Explain why you looked at me tonight like you didn’t know where you belonged!”

He flinched like you’d slapped him.

“I was confused,” he said hoarsely. “I was ambushed emotionally after a hostage situation, and I didn’t have time to process it, and—”

“And what?” you demanded. “And you realized you love her?”

“No!” he shouted back, louder than either of you ever had before. The room seemed to echo with it. He looked stunned by his own volume, chest heaving. “No. I love you. I chose you.”

“But you believe her,” you whispered. “I saw it in your eyes. You believe she loves you. And some part of you… wants that to mean something.”

Silence slammed down between you.

Spencer’s mouth opened, then closed. His hands dropped uselessly to his sides.

“That doesn’t mean I would ever act on it,” he said finally. “It doesn’t mean I want a life with her.”

“But it means I’m standing here planning a wedding with a man whose heart just split in two,” you said. “And I don’t know where that leaves me.”

“You’re my fiancée,” he said desperately. “You’re the woman I asked to marry me. You’re the one I wake up next to. You’re the one who held me together after prison when I couldn’t even stand to be touched—”

“Then why doesn’t that feel like enough right now?” you cried.

He crossed the space between you and grabbed your face, gripping it like he was afraid you’d disappear if he didn’t. “Because I messed up,” he said, voice cracking. “Because I didn’t know how to come home and pretend I wasn’t shaken. But please—please don’t punish me for being honest with you.”

“I’m not punishing you,” you sobbed. “I’m protecting myself.”

“You’re running,” he said, panic seeping into every word. “And you promised me you wouldn’t do that. You promised we’d talk.”

You tried—and couldn’t.

That broke him.

“Please don’t go,” he begged, voice dropping, raw and wrecked. “I can’t— I can’t sleep without you. I can’t sit in this apartment alone knowing I did this to us.”

Your chest ached at the sound of it. “Spencer…”

“I’ll call Rossi. I’ll call Hotch. I’ll call my therapist,” he said rapidly. “I’ll do whatever you want. Boundaries, distance from JJ, counseling—anything. Just don’t walk out that door tonight.”

You squeezed your eyes shut, tears streaming.

“I need you to understand how much this hurts,” you whispered. “Because if I stay tonight, I’ll pretend I’m okay when I’m not. And then we really will break.”

His grip loosened, like his strength was draining out of him.

“So you’re choosing to leave,” he said hollowly.

“I’m choosing us,” you said. “Or what’s left of us.”

The fight burned itself into the walls.

Words flew sharp and fast until both of you were shaking, voices hoarse, hearts laid open in ways they never had been before. By the time the shouting stopped, there was nothing left to defend—only wreckage.

You stood there, chest heaving, tears sliding freely now, no longer angry enough to stop them.

Your fingers wouldn’t leave the ring.

You twisted it endlessly, back and forth, back and forth, the diamond catching the light every time your hand moved. Spencer noticed too late—noticed the way you’d been doing it the entire fight, like it was the only thing keeping you upright.

His voice broke. “You’re going to wear a groove into it.”

You let out a broken laugh. “I know. I keep thinking if I spin it enough, I’ll remember why I felt so safe wearing it.”

That shattered him.

“You are safe,” he said, stepping toward you again, hands trembling. “With me. With us.”

You shook your head slowly.

The silence that followed was unbearable.

“I never meant to hurt you,” he said, quieter now, devastation seeping into every syllable. “I never thought—God, I never thought you feel like this.”

“That’s the problem,” you whispered. “I love you so much and I was to afraid to admit, to ashamed to speak on it, that I am jealous of your relationship with her. I never wanted to be that woman. I feel like this is it”

The words knocked the breath from his lungs.

Spencer hovered, helpless, watching his life split open.

Your hand never left the ring.

You twisted it as you packed. As you wiped your face. As you took one last look at the room where you’d planned a future.

Finally, you stopped.

With a breath that felt like it might kill you, you slid the ring off your finger.

Spencer made a sound—half sob, half plea. “Please… don’t.”

“I’m not ending anything,” you said softly, even as your voice broke. “I just can’t carry this tonight.”

You crossed the room and placed the ring on his bedside table next to his books and glasses. Carefully. Reverently. Right where he’d see it when he woke up. Right where it would hurt the most.

He stared at it like it was a wound.

“You’re taking my heart with you,” he whispered.

“I know,” you said. You already took mine and broke it tonight.”

You stepped back into his space then, close enough that he could feel you shaking. He reached for you instinctively, hands resting at your waist like muscle memory, like home.

“I don’t know how to survive this,” he admitted, tears spilling freely now. “I don’t know how to exist without you here.”

You lifted your hands to his face, thumbs brushing his cheeks, wiping tears you’d never seen from him before. “Neither do I.”

Slowly, painfully, you leaned in and kissed him.

It wasn’t desperate. It wasn’t frantic.

It was soft. Trembling. Final.

His lips parted under yours like he was memorizing the feeling, like he knew this might be the last time he ever felt it. His grip tightened for half a second, like he might beg again—

—but he didn’t.

When you pulled away, his forehead rested against yours, breath uneven.

“I love you,” he whispered, like a confession, like a prayer.

“I love you too,” you said. “That’s why this hurts so much.”

You grabbed your bag and walked toward the door on legs that barely worked. At the threshold, you hesitated, fingers brushing the frame.

The door closed behind you with a soft click that sounded far too permanent.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Spencer stayed where he was long after you were gone. Eventually, he sank onto the bed, eyes drawn helplessly to the ring on the bedside table—your ring—glinting under the lamp like a promise he didn’t know how to keep.

Outside, the night swallowed you whole.

And neither of you knew if love would be enough to find its way back.

Spencer sat on the bed, staring at the ring on the bedside table. The apartment was oppressively quiet, every shadow heavier than the last. His hands trembled, but it wasn’t just from crying—it was from the thought of calling someone. Anyone.

He swallowed hard. He never did this. He never reached out for help with personal things. With work? Sure. With danger? Always. But… this? This was different. This was about her. About the woman he loved, the one he had just scared into leaving him.

His thumb hovered over Emily’s number. His breath caught. She’ll know. She’ll understand… but also, I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t involve anyone.

He dialed anyway.

The line rang, each buzz echoing in his chest.

“Emily?” His voice was small, hesitant, almost broken.

“Spence? Is everything okay?” Emily’s voice was warm but cautious. She could sense immediately that something was wrong.

“I… I—” He paused. The words stuck. His throat tightened. He looked at the ring again. “She left… she… left the apartment. The ring…”

Emily was silent for a beat, letting him gather himself. “Okay… okay, Spence. Breathe. What do you need?”

He swallowed hard. “I… I can’t… I don’t know what to do. I can’t be alone. I—God, I just… I…” His voice cracked, small, almost whispered. “I don’t want to be alone tonight. I—”

“Okay,” Emily said gently, “I’m coming over. Just… stay where you are. Don’t move. I’ll be there.”

He exhaled shakily, a mix of relief and terror. “I… thank you… I—I don’t usually… I mean… I never… I don’t—” He trailed off, embarrassed by how completely unguarded he was.

“You’re allowed, Spence,” Emily reassured him softly. “You care about her. You’re human. That’s why you called me.”

He nodded, even though she couldn’t see him, and sank deeper into the couch. Every muscle in his body was taut with tension. Finally, he let himself tremble, tears spilling freely, hot and unstoppable.

Twenty minutes later, a knock at the door. Emily’s voice: “Spencer? It’s me.”

He didn’t hesitate this time. He opened the door, relief and raw vulnerability written all over his face. Emily stepped inside and wrapped him in a firm hug, holding him as he allowed himself to completely collapse into her, trembling, crying, broken.

“I… I don’t know what to do,” he whispered, voice shaking. “I… she left… the ring… I can’t—”

“You don’t have to do it alone,” Emily said firmly. “I’m here. We’ll get through this. You’re not alone.”

And for the first time since she left, Spencer felt a fragile tether to the world, someone who could hold him when he felt like he was shattering, even if only for a moment.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The hotel room felt too quiet.

Too clean. Too temporary.

You sat on the edge of the bed, coat still on, bag untouched at your feet. Your hands were empty, and that was the problem. You kept reaching for your ring without thinking—thumb brushing bare skin where weight used to be—over and over again.

It wasn’t there.

A sound tore out of your chest, sharp and broken, and suddenly you were folding in on yourself, shoulders shaking as the reality finally crashed down. You pressed your hand to your mouth like that might keep the sobs inside, but they spilled anyway—ugly, heaving cries that echoed off the walls.

You slid down onto the carpet, back against the bed, fingers twisting around nothing.

I left it there. On his bedside table. Like I wasn’t sure I deserved to keep it.

The thought cracked you open.

You buried your face in your knees, crying harder now, gasping for air, whispering his name like it might summon him. Like he might appear and fix it the way he always did.

A knock sounded at the door.

You froze.

Another knock—gentle this time. Careful.

“Hey, beautiful,” a familiar voice said softly. “It’s me.”

Your heart stuttered.

You opened the door with shaking hands, and there she was—Penelope Garcia, cardigan wrapped tightly around herself, eyes already glossy with worry.

She took one look at your face and her own broke.

“Oh, honey,” she whispered.

You stared at her, stunned, voice barely there. “He… he called you?”

Penelope nodded immediately. “Yes.”

That was all it took.

You crumpled into her arms, sobbing so hard your knees nearly gave out. She held you without hesitation, one hand cradling the back of your head, the other rubbing slow circles into your back like she was anchoring you to the ground.

“He’s losing his mind,” she murmured softly into your hair. “He didn’t know what else to do.”

You pulled back just enough to look at her, eyes red and desperate. “So… you know what happened?”

Penelope swallowed. “Yeah,” she said quietly. “I know.”

The hotel room finally broke you.

You didn’t even make it to the bed this time. The moment the door clicked shut behind Penelope, your legs gave out and you sank against the wall, breath coming in sharp, panicked bursts. Your hand went to your left ring finger out of pure instinct—

Nothing.

A sound tore out of you that didn’t sound human.

“Oh—oh God,” you sobbed, clutching your hand to your chest like that might stop the pain from spilling everywhere. “I left it there. I left it with him. He is probalby loosing his mind, thinking I left for good”

Penelope dropped to her knees in front of you instantly, arms wrapping around you so tight it was almost painful. She pulled you into her chest, rocking you as your body shook violently.

“I know, baby,” she whispered. “I know.”

You cried harder, face buried in her sweater, sobs ripping through you in waves so strong you gasped for air between them. “It’s supposed to mean forever,” you choked. “It’s supposed to mean he chose me.”

“He did choose you,” Penelope said fiercely, voice already cracking. “My beautiful boy genius chose you and keeps choosing you even when his brain betrays him.”

That made it worse.

You sobbed into her, fingers twisting in her cardigan. “She loves him, Penelope. She loves my Spencer.”

Penelope’s arms tightened. “Okay, listen to me,” she said, rambling now, voice trembling in that way that meant she was trying to keep herself together. “Spencer Reid is many things — a genius, a disaster human, emotionally constipated, too tall for most doorways — but he is yours. He loves you in a way that is steady and real and earned.”

You shook your head violently. “She’s married and Will is wonderful to her. She has kids. She has it all, she has the life I want with him.”

“I know,” Penelope whispered.

Your crying turned frantic, hands fisting in her sweater. “I don’t want to be the woman who’s jealous of his best friend. I don’t want to be bitter. I just wanted to be enough.”

Penelope cupped your face, forcing you to look at her, tears streaming down her own cheeks now. “You are enough. This isn’t about you lacking anything. This is about someone saying something they should have buried and it exploding at the worst possible moment.”

You collapsed back into her arms, sobbing so hard your entire body shook. Penelope rocked you again, murmuring nonsense and endearments, rambling through tears.

“He talks about you like you’re gravity,” she whispered. “Like if you let go of him he’ll float off into space. He calls you his anchor, his safe place, his—God, you’re making me cry harder.”

That broke you completely.

Eventually, she coaxed you onto the bed, still holding you, arms wrapped around you from behind like a shield. Your sobs slowly dulled into hiccupping breaths, exhaustion dragging you under.

When your breathing evened out, Penelope stayed frozen, afraid to move.

Only then did she carefully slip free, grab her phone, and step toward the bathroom door.

She dialed.

Penelope whispered into the phone, pacing gently. “Emily, it’s bad. She’s… she’s completely broken. Crying, shaking… I didn’t think—”

There was a muffled sound on the other end.

“Yeah, I know she fell asleep finally, but she’s hurting worse than anything I’ve ever seen—”

Suddenly, a sharp, desperate voice cut through. “Garcia?”

Penelope froze mid-step. “Spencer?”

“Hand me the phone. Now.”

Emily’s voice came muffled, surprised: “Spence—what—”

“I don’t care! Hand me the phone!” he snapped, urgency so raw it made Penelope’s stomach twist.

The line clicked, and suddenly Spencer Reid was there, his voice trembling and breaking, right in Penelope’s ear.

“Garcia, I… I need to know she’s okay. I can’t—I can’t just wait to hear about her like this! I have to hear it from you! Right now!”

Penelope’s eyes softened, watching your chest rise and fall in sleep on the bed, still wet with tears. She knelt beside you, brushing a stray hair from your face as she spoke to him.

“She’s asleep,” Penelope said softly. “Finally resting. But she’s hurting, Spencer. You scared her. You shook her world tonight.”

“I know,” he whispered, voice cracking. “I know, I—I should have shut it down. I should have protected her. But I didn’t, Garcia. And now… now I’m losing my mind, and I just… I need to hear that she’s safe.”

Penelope nodded, brushing your hair behind your ear. “She’s safe, Spence. She’s here. But she’s hurting. Badly. And she needs you to—”

“I know!” he interrupted, desperation bleeding through every word. “I love her! I’ve always loved her! Not JJ! Not anyone else! Just her! You have to tell her I didn’t stop loving her!”

Penelope’s voice softened, a whisper that wrapped around him like a shield. “I know you love her, Spence. She knows. I know. But she’s scared, and she’s hurting, and she needs to rest tonight. Because right now, she feels like she lost her future.”

There was a long pause. Then Spencer’s shaky exhale. “I’ll wait. I’ll do whatever she needs. But God… I can’t—Penelope, I can’t stand knowing she’s hurting and I can’t be there. I can’t.”

“I know,” Penelope whispered. “And you are there. Even from here. She’ll feel it.”

Spencer’s voice dropped, quieter, raw. “Tell her… tell her I’m here. That I’m not going anywhere. That I love her. That I’ll wait however long she needs me.”

Penelope glanced back at you, sleeping, tiny breaths catching, face still wet from crying. “I will,” she promised, softly.

And there he was, he was on the line, pouring himself into every word, desperate, shattered, and utterly hers—even from miles away.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Your chest constricted. You pressed your hand to your mouth, heart hammering.

Spencer — his voice.

A strangled sob escaped you. Your fingers dug into the blanket. He sounded… raw. Fragile. Lost.

You buried your face into the blanket, shaking, tears streaming down. Your chest ached in a way that made you feel physically hollow.

While Penelope was on the phone, you tried to finally find your peace tonight and sleep.

#spencer reid #dr spencer reid #criminal minds #boy genius #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #dr reid #spencer reid x y/n #bau team #fbi #criminal minds x reader

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