hm. deffo feelin’ Some Kinda Way
after thinking about it, the reason why i keep skipping lunch or otherwise messing up my eating schedule at work (also why i only eat very little at dinner at home, tho sometimes it’s because i feel too nauseous/tired to eat) is because i want to self-destruct. it doesn’t leave scars so nobody would look at me and go “oh shit we hired some emotionally unstable joke of a human being” -- or like, they can think that, but there’s no physical evidence to prove it.
i admitted to my dad that i skip lunch sometimes because when/if i eat is something i can control and i needed to feel like i can remain in control of something, but not so much the self-sabotage angle of it (maybe he guessed, cause it was the same convo that resulted in the slightly awkward but ultimately well-meaning depression discussion, and god knows i’ve collapsed into tears enough times when i get home after work)
i’m. probably a Bad Fit for my current job tbh, but i also feel like i’ve been really sheltered and need to learn how to handle stuff? i’m just worried that i’m not actually learning how to regulate my emotions/anxieties etc etc because it’s Real Difficult to hang onto good feelings and oh so easy to be overwhelmed by Unspeakable Terror about Everything. part of this is low self-esteem speaking but uh literally anyone can do my job, and a lot of people can do it much better than i can? so i feel like i’m ‘getting experience’ that is ultimately useless because of who i am as a person.
it could be helpful to go find a professional to unfuck my brain, but at the same time... i feel like i’m just too coddled to like. deal with it like a normal person? like, i feel like i have some anxiety issues, but maybe that’s just the normal baseline and i think think it’s a Big Deal bc of how immature i am? idk.
