#brain grey

[fancypantsrecords]

Brain Grey Music Team - All Sounds Of Last Armageddon | P-Vine Records | 2023 | Black

[united-under-skyfall]

love being in denial about something until you have a very concerning but very clear and sure thought and it takes you like three whole minutes of doing something else before you're like oh. that's probably not a normal thing to be thinking huh

[lord-tiki]

◆MZ-700 ラストハルマゲドン

[united-under-skyfall]

i think one thing people don't understand about not having the energy to respond to messages or post or something is that even if you have the energy to enter the conversation, hit all the right buttons, and actually send a response, a lot of times it doesn't even matter, because you'd have to actually have something to say. and when all you have in your head is fog, it's pretty impossible to wrangle that into any sort of coherent verbalization, even just as thoughts.

[united-under-skyfall]

.

i work 6am-2:30pm. i go home and go to sleep. i wake up at 6, eat dinner, try not to fall asleep. at 9, i go to sleep again. 13 hours later, i wake up, and spend the next 12 trying not to fall asleep. i am so tired i could cry. i want to. i'm thinking about it. i should not be, because i should not be tired. i have slept so much, i am sick of it. i want nothing more than to close my eyes and drift away forever and ever. i want nothing more than to never sleep again. there is a war inside me, but i am too tired to fight it. there is never going to be a victor. i work 10pm-6am. the whole time, i am so, so awake, and very aware that i could be doing anything at all with this time, with this energy and will and consciousness that has become utterly unfamiliar to me, but instead am falling into a monotonous routine in a half-dark, nearly empty building, racing the clock, tearing at my hair, reminding my co-worker who hasn't slept to drink her coffee. i go home, back by 6:40, and there is something like hope there, that i can do something, anything. i can make breakfast, i can greet my family and talk with them for what feels like the first time in ages as they slowly get ready for the day. but i am not hungry. they all have early appointments today, and are gone by 7. i am alone in a half-dark building (why does this feel familiar), and for the next hour i read, and for the next, i read and try not to fall asleep, and for the next i try to read and try harder not to fall asleep, and by 10 i'm there again. i wake up at 5, try not to fall back asleep, eat dinner, try not to fall back asleep. i stand in the kitchen and do nothing at all. "you work at 6 tomorrow," my dad reminds me. "i don't want to go to bed," i answer. "you need to," he tells me. "it feels like all i do these days is sleep." please hear, i am begging you. please hear, i don't know what's happening, what's been happening for years and years. please hear, i need your advice. please hear, i need a hug. please hear, i don't know what i'm doing. please hear, this is a cry for help. it is the only one i know how to give. "you have been sleeping a lot," he responds, and leaves saying nothing more. i do not scream, even though i want to. did he not hear? when is it that we stopped speaking the same language? i wait for 10 before i can give myself permission to let go and sleep again. i wake up at 3am because i work at 6 and i have chores to do first, snooze my alarm, fall back asleep. i wake up at 3:05, 3:10, 3:15, again and again and i want to weep. i wake up at 4:15 and actually manage to convince myself of it this time. it is not a happy conclusion. i only have time to do a few of the chores i was supposed to before i need to leave, struggling to stay awake all the while. i drive back to work and the road is empty. i think about just driving straight, beyond the road, beyond the horizon, about never stopping, about how maybe that would be almost as good as being back in bed. i arrive and it feels like i never even got the chance to leave in the first place. my hands are sluggish as they work, my legs protesting against my wishes for them to move faster. my thoughts are delayed, my words don't come out on time, and when they do, they don't come out right. my entire being is collapsing in on itself like a black hole. i cannot keep doing this. i don't know what "this" is. i want to sleep even though i know it will do nothing to ease this. i cannot remember the last time i was not exhausted at every level of my being. i think i miss it. i don't remember it well enough to know for sure.

[united-under-skyfall]

today's one of those days where i would give just about anything to just be laying alone in a soft, quiet grey field, and watch the clouds until they're the only thing left, while i fall asleep and never have to worry about waking up.

used to be that the field was gold, and i would have quite liked to have a friend with me.

[united-under-skyfall]

good news: i am learning new things about myself!!

bad news: rn the new thing is that apparently my favorite place to start disassociating is in the middle of a shift

[united-under-skyfall]

put some respect on my name. I'm not "a disappointment", I'm "the family disappointment"