That was the day I met Dana, a maid with commoner blood.
It wasnāt common for maids from lowly backgrounds to work directly for me, but apparently she started working in the estate years ago and slowly rose up in the ranks thanks to her diligence and determined personality.
Dana was nice, she would always pay attention to my needs and work extra for my comfort. Personally delivering all my meals, helping me dress up and preparing my bath all by herself, staying by my side until I fall asleepā¦
āI really appreciate you Danaā¦ā I say sleepily, my body engulfed in the soft blanket Dana prepared for me as she sits by my side.
āYou do my lady?ā, I nod.
āI donāt have many people Iām close with, but youāve been so nice to me for the past 3 monthsā¦ā
āIām your handmaid, my lady. That much is to be expected.ā
āBut youāre so much more attentive than any of my other maids. It has barely been 3 months but I donāt know what I would do without youā¦ā
āā¦Iām glad to hear that my lady.ā She stops for a second as if to think. āDonāt worry I will always be by your sideā¦ā Dana answers me gently. My tired eyes fail to read her face in the dimly moonlit room, but I go to sleep with a smile on my face, imagining her doing the same.
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I look down at her, watching her slowly breathe in and out with that foolishly innocent expression on her face. The suffocating uniform I had to wear to hide my adamās apple and chest is unbuttoned to let me breathe. A sharp knife shines in my hand, reflecting the moonlight decorating her fancy room.
516 times. Iāve tried to kill this woman exactly 516 times. I raise my knife. āThis time I will do itā I think to myself. You shift in your sleep, probably deep in your happy dreams. You donāt sense anything, unaware of the danger I hold.
āI will do itā¦ I willā¦ā I repeat in my head yet my hand wonāt stop shaking.
āDamn itā¦ā
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āShe has so many openings, does she have no survival instinct? It feels like she could die if she fell down tad too hardā I think to myself as I pick up her dinner. A small bottle of poison Iāve failed to use so far and my knife are tucked deep in my apron. There are a few servants around chatting but no one seems to suspect anything from the ladyās personal handmaid.
āHey did you see what Lady y/n was wearing today? Haha is she trying to catch someoneās attention going out like that?ā
āRight? If she bent down a bit we could even see her cleavage!ā
Huh?
Those twoā¦ are they new recruits? I did hear that despicable man hired a new batch. What do they think they are doing spouting such nonsense?
āShe already looks so naive, I bet she wouldnāt be able to do anything if I just cornered her right?ā
ā¦
āDana, did you get some of the tomato sauce on your sleeve?ā you ask innocently, happily enjoying your lavish dinner.
āIt seems so my lady. I will clean it tonight donāt worry.ā I quickly answer with my usual smile.
āHaha donāt tell me you wanted to try some! You couldāve just asked me, here.ā
āI-I couldnāt possibly my lady-ā
āMy arm will get tired if you donāt take it~ā
I sigh and lean down to eat the bite you so graciously offered, it doesnāt have poison anywayā¦
It truly is delicious, enough to drive a commoner to tears, but this quality is just the norm for you.
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I once again stand above you. āThis timeā¦ this time for sureā¦ā repeats in my head as I raise my knife. This is the 520th attempt.
You sleep peacefully under me as I clench my teeth, my hand refusing to go down.
Itās always the same thing. I stay by your side until you fall asleep, I get up and raise my knife, I watch you sleep without a worry in the world and go back to my room after another failure.
I sigh and prepare to get up, Iāve despised you for longer than you know for making me feel this way.
āDanaā¦?ā
ā!?ā Youāre awake? Why are you awake!? You never wake up at this hour!
ā¦What are you looking at?
My eyes follow your gaze and land on the knife Iām holding up.
āW-what are you doing Dana!? N-no someone help-!ā
My free hand quickly covers your mouth as I whisper yell āBe quiet!ā. You continue flailing your arms and legs, trying to push me off. Since my other hand is still up I canāt hold you down properly.
āStop fighting me! You donāt have the right to-!ā
You manage to push my hand off your mouth but your nails catch my open collar, accidentally ripping a button. For a second your eyes widen and before I can register whatās going on you grab my clothes.
ā!!ā
In a moment of panic I throw the knife and pull away to cover myself.
āD-Donāt look!ā
If you do theyāll take you away from me.
āY-you are a man?ā You ask while sitting up, clearly on guard but you make no motion to run away. Maybe seeing my panicked state made you feel less scared.
I donāt answer and just stare at you. I wonder what my expression looks like? My panic and anger must reflect on my eyes as I cover my chest. My knifeā¦ is at the other side of the room, tsk.
āB-But whyā¦? A-and that knifeā¦ were you trying toā¦? Iā¦ D-did I do something to offend youā¦?ā
Your voice is shaking as you ask questions after questions, tears slowly spilling out. Iām sure you must feel so scared and betrayed. Good, thatās what I wanted.
Yes, what I wantedā¦
What I wanted?
Anger boils inside me. A part of me feels satisfied for making you experience such betrayal, but the other half feels anger. A privileged person like you who lives life without a single worry doesnāt deserve to cry like a victim.
āStop crying!ā I lunge forward to grab your neck and push you down. You look up to me, clearly scared but my hand doesnāt squeeze your neck.
āYou donāt know anything!ā I bite my lip, wanting to scream but also not. I hate this, once again my body refuses to listen to me.
āYou donāt know anything about me! You donāt know what your family has done! You donāt know what you have done to me!!ā
My hand presses down harder.
āI already had nothing but you ruined me beyond repair!ā I try to keep my voice low to not alert the other servants yet I canāt prevent it from shaking as I let my anger out.
āYou donāt know anythingā¦ā
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āDanaā
A name unfit for a boy, and this disgustingly beautiful face that resembles hers were the only things that wench left behind with me.
I didnāt know anything about her. All I knew was that she treated me like the girl she always wanted to give birth to and that I must never leave the wooden box she called āhomeā.
She hated me, it was only obvious. Even when I was barely able to speak it wasnāt hard to understand she actually wished for a girl. Although, maybe thanks to this face of mine, she enjoyed putting me in dresses and forcing me into the life she dreamed of.
āDana, mommy has to deal with some surprise visitors so stay in this closet and donāt make a noise just like how I taught you before alright?ā
Those were the last words she uttered before kissing my forehead and closing the rusty closet doors. Then it was arguing, screams, red and silence.
The fact that she used to work in your estate because she was in debt to your father, that she ran away pregnant without actually paying it back and was being hunted down were things I only got to know later in life.
It seems they were unaware she was even pregnant and didnāt notice the child she so hurriedly tucked inside the old compact closet.
Such sad excuse of a life, at the end she wasnāt able to accomplish anything. All she had was a son who believed she hated him and thus hated her back. A son who didnāt even care about the effort she put into keeping him hidden and safe.
A son who returned to the estate she once escaped from.
It wasnāt too hard to get registered as a maid with such face and height. My plan originally was to slowly go up in ranks until I reached that filthy man and stab his chest the same way his henchmen stabbed that wenchās.
But then I met you.
The precious young lady of the estate, loved by all the workers and her parents. A lovely person who was sailing through life with no hardships, a being sure to be missed if lost.
I thought if I killed you the same way they killed that wench, that filthy man would experience so much pain he wouldnāt be able to forget about it for an entire lifetime.
So I started working to be your handmaid instead, and you quickly inflicted another type of anger into me.
I hated that you were oblivious to the pain others felt, I hated that all you knew was comfort and love, I hated that you never experienced what a broken heart felt like.
I hated how you smiled at me like you couldnāt do without me, I hated how your hair felt so soft in my hands as I brushed it, I hated how you happily ate the sweets I secretly took from the kitchen just so you could have some more, I hated how good you smelt right after I washed you, I hated how soft your skin felt against my fingertips as I helped you dress up-
āUGH!ā
I gasp, sitting on the bathroom floor. Looking at the toilet seat filled with my insides and wiping my mouth with a shaky hand before flushing it down.
It wasnāt supposed to be like thisā¦
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You look up to me with shaky eyes, body barely moving.
āI-Iām sorry-ā
āDonāt pity me! Iām not someone who needs your pity!ā
You flinch as I raise my voice. I feel so disgusted, my voice shaking with anger.
āAt least I still had control over myself when all I had was hateā¦ At least I was somewhat ānormalāā¦ā
My eyes never leave yours, your gaze only making me feel more agitated.
āI wasnāt supposed to feel like thisā¦ why did you have to wake up nowā¦ā
A tear threatens to fall from my eye.
āIf only you just continued sleepingā¦ then I couldāve continued staying next to youā¦ I couldāve continued being good for youā¦ā
āDana Iām sorry-ā
āI said I donāt want to hear it!ā
I lower my head, not wanting to see the face youāre making.
Then an idea comes to my mind.
āAre you really sorry? Do you want to make up for it?ā
I grab your face before you can answer.
ā!?ā
I slowly pull away to speak, your taste lingering in my lips.
āThen donāt report what happened today and let me continue staying by your side.
I lean in closer and look into your eyes.
āThe only way you can atone for your sins is by accepting this twisted love of mineā
#cats of tumblr
#lana del rey
#horror movies
#the pitt
