I remembered to ask my Doc what S.E. Stood for. She answered in her usual gentle yet swift voice but the words just scattered about like hysterical ants. That's because asking ANY sort of relevant question at the beginning of therapy session is like you talking to me as I'm sleeping. Nothing gets thru. I'm always super anxious the first five to ten minutes. I'm too worried how I'm going to behave or what we will focus on and so forth. Because I forgot her explanation of S.E., I conveniently Googled it and found the following via Wiki: Somatic Experiencing is a form of therapy aimed at relieving and resolving the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other mental and physical trauma-related health problems by focusing on the client’s perceived body sensations (or somatic experiences). So far, and I agree with my Doc, Somatic Experiencing has been very helpful. It's much more gentle, emotionally, and at a slower pace. Brain Spotting was too aggressive, too fast, and therefore I struggled the rest of the week in a depressive pitfall. I had two Brain Spotting sessions and I simply could not manage the intensity of my inner emotions. My Doc picked this up on my second session and decided I wasn't strong enough, at least not yet anyway, to utilize such therapy. Therefore, she suggested S.E. Today? I agreed to revisit the eight or nine year old in the room where it all began. I was able to get her to speak with me. To open up and share me her feelings. To trust me. To listen to what I had to say by answering her questions in manner I would speak to my daughter. Often, my Doc will ask what I was feeling inside. At one point? After hearing the little me speak and explain why she no longer felt angry or confused over her Uncle's actions? I, my current self, felt as if molten ore roiled, popped and hissed inside the middle of my chest. I was angry. I was angry not at my Uncle but angry she held onto her questions and fears and anger for so long. For nearly 36 years this little girl NEVER spoke to anyone about how she felt because she was afraid to. I wasn't angry at her. Of course not! Just angry she carried a burden for so gawddamed long! I was angry to be angry. And I told my Doc, "I'm pretty angry. My chest is on fire." She had me utter the following:"oouuu". She said the vibration on the tone created within the chest will calm you. So? I did. And? I immediately recognized a familiarity. "I know this. I know this ...oh! When I would listen to my mom chant or if I chanted myself.", I said quickly with a brief explanation. So very odd this "oouuu" should come up tonight in my therapy session to extinguish the flames quickly! How ODD. You see. Yesterday, a brief chat with a friend led to discussion of our mom's faith. Both our mom's are Buddhists. Do I practice? Not in manner which should be done, no. I do still chant a certain line in time of stress or great anxiety. Panic attacks I don't chant and only because my mind is in such a heightened state of shock I simply cannot process anything. I must have an external force to calm me or bring me down. In my last two panic attacks, which both occurred while I was home alone (how convenient), it was my CAT whom calmed me down. Just incredible. But I digress. Chanting. Yes. Listening to my mom chant was always calming for me. I welcomed it. I miss it. I attended a local meeting with her five years ago, because she's always trying to get me to re-practice. I also wanted my daughter to experience it, too. Once again, in the midst of strangers, to hear them chant was very calming. I did not participate verbally but followed along in a hum and mostly quietly in my head. Why not practice full-time? Well. In my younger years, I couldn't sit still for half an hour. Today, I have much more patience to meditate for half an hour or longer. With proper music and incense, I can easily sit still for long periods of time. But I must do this alone. It's a very personal experience. I found that even in my youth, chanting in a room full of strangers is disruptive to my external energy. That's because I have a pretty fucking wide safety/buffer zone around me. Anyway. Next Friday, my Doc wants to use EMDR to "clean up" today's session.
