#brainweird feels

[anthonyampersand]

i should probably get back into the habit of making to do lists tbh.

it always feels like i’ve accomplished absolutely fucking nothing, but the past week or two i’ve been making lists every day because all of my adult shit has apparently coincided in the month of may, and it turns out i almost always finish at least 3/4 of my goals for a given day. so possibly i’m just trapped in a horrific kaleidoscope of depression and i’m actually not as big a waste of space as i feel. possibly.

[toomuchpurple]

Why do I feel like everything is wrong when that is not the case!

[anthonyampersand]

fucking christ, i cannot focus for shit tonight, i don’t know what’s wrong with me

i’m not even tired but i think i just need to go to sleep and do a hard reset, just, i can’t. be awake like this anymore. i can’t focus, i can’t finish anything, i can’t access anything resembling One Whole Emotion... what the fuck??? brain, you ok up there???????????????????????????????????

[anthonyampersand]

in a way, i think it’s natural to realize you’re in a mess - (whether you got yourself into it or were just unlucky) - and instinctively want to make it worse rather than trying to fix it, when it seems unlikely that you’d succeed anyway. 

i don’t know what it’s like not to have mental illness, so i don’t know if neurotypical people experience the same tendency to self-sabotage? but i imagine that they must, on some level. no one enjoys admitting that they need help, or that they made a mistake or a poor choice (or a series of poor choices, as is often the case for me), and it’s a common enough trope in fiction that i’m inclined to believe that it’s just part of the human condition to desire self-sufficiency, to want to take care of things for yourself. 

still... it seems like the tendency to lean into bad situations, rather than trying to scramble your way up a steep slope getting out of them, is probably related to mental health issues... whether they be passing or chronic.

anyway the point of my long-winded musing is that i’ve recently realized that a good amount of the impulsive, unhealthy decisions i make are just reactions to finding myself in a bad situation to begin with. sometimes those are situations that i couldn’t have avoided even if i had made better choices, or been more careful; other times, it is definitely my own fault, often because i avoided something for too long, because i was anxious about it, something that i’ve struggled with for many years now and should probably have a better handle on, but which i don’t always want to expend the effort to overcome.

but either way. i think that it might be possible for me to identify these instances, and maybe curtail some of those reactionary impulses, and maybe things will get a little better for me. marginally.

baby steps, tony.

learning to take care of yourself is fucking hard and i’m finding, unsurprisingly, that it’s not usually rewarding right off the bat. almost never, actually. i... can only hope that it will be eventually. 

i guess i’ll find out?

[anthonyampersand]

mood of the day

[anthonyampersand]

i'm so tired of people, people should just... stop.

[anthonyampersand]

pros of having a partner who is also mentally ill: they totally understand when you're just dazed and sick and fucking incapable of anything for days at a time

cons of having a partner who is also mentally ill: concurrent depressive episodes in which you both lie in bed like a couple of corpses in a pile for days at a time and no one can find the motivation to make or eat food (or shower)

[anthonyampersand]

having severe dissociation issues (work edition)

cons: forgetting what i’m doing in the middle of doing it, having so much brain static that i have to ask customers to repeat themselves 15 times or just guess what they ordered, hurting myself doing things that i don’t see the big deal in doing and not feeling actual pain until later (taking a running leap over the counter, cleaning up scalding coffee, burning myself on things that literally just came out of the grease), not responding to my name because i have forgotten that other people can see me, unable to comprehend my own existence

pros: remembering suddenly that i have a red bull in the office 10+ times a shift, elated every fucking time