Oooh, Saturday Sun!
I met someone
Out on the West Coast
I gotta get back, I can’t let this go
I gotta say, writing this 31,000 feet in the air really brings my writing to new heights. But seriously, you really do end up reflecting on a lot while you’re sitting in a giant piece of metal that’s flying through the sky.
It’s easy to get caught up in the madness and insanity of our daily lives. We glorify busy and look down upon, or even straight up ignore, rest and leisure. But life is meant to be an adventure. And adventure doesn’t mean it’s always going to be easy. But we can be damn sure it’ll be worth it. Though the main purpose of my trip to California was to attend a conference to be formed as a better leader and disciple, it was nice to take a few days beforehand to rest and meet up with some friends and family. But even more than just resting, I went on an adventure.
You see, this adventure is like no other adventure. This is not your rock-climbing, mountain-hiking, road-tripping kind of adventure. I went on a new adventure, one which has terrified me like no other before.
What was that adventure?
I came home.
Even weirder, I came home for the first time. But my home wasn’t brick walls. It wasn’t a white picket fence. It wasn’t a nice one family building. It wasn’t something I could use. In fact, quite the opposite was true. My home was the recipient of my desire to serve. My home had a heartbeat. Home had a smile that could melt planets. Home had a laugh that was so contagious the Pentagon put it on a watch list. Home had hands so soft that dermatologists hate them. My home had a voice so sweet you’d have to get checked for diabetes right after hearing it.
I found myself before a person: an embodied soul.
Home was her. Home was a ravishing soul. Home was a person that I've known for over two years now, but a person I slowly (read: quickly, but am still learning to admit it) fell for.
In her I found my home, but she was also a vibrant adventure. She was this wild, untamable reality: an ocean I was, am, and will continue to be afraid to dive into - and yet I will try my best to brave the waters. Yet, she was a warm, safe refuge from the realities of this world: a quiet forest for me to dwell in and to find cool shade in the beauty of the raging summer heat.
For as long as I’ve sought to escape into the wilderness to find some far-off adventure, I’ve also sought the warm embrace of home. In her, I’ve found it all: a perfect combination of someone who provides to me the safety of home, yet calls me to step out into the brave world to pursue greatness.
To greatness she has called me, and to joy she has guided me.
You see, for as long as I could remember, I’ve struggled with learning to love myself - even after being freed from years of depression. I’ve always wanted to pour out this intense, unending love out for others. But more often than not, when I was presented with someone who cared, I would feel like I was not enough, or, too much.
I have been caught in this paradox that has had my mind, heart, body, and soul caught in a war that could only leave a trail of destruction and sin. It was the paradox of feeling like I was not enough, due to previous sins and wounds, or that I was way too much, due to this overwhelming desire to love.
Yet, in the midst of it all, I found myself before God. Praying once again, abandoning myself, rushing to seek Him, and orienting everything I did for His glory. I (hesitantly) reclaimed my identity as His beloved son, working hard to build up a healthier foundation for who I was, understanding it was rooted in Christ and nothing - and no one - else.
Over time, on this little adventure of life, I ended up finding someone walking alongside me. She became a close friend, a best friend, someone I desired to spend all my time with. To my surprise, she felt the same way. To an even greater surprise, she eventually told me how she felt.
That was over a year and a half ago. A year and a half from that very date, what we affectionally call “14 Day”, we found ourselves together for the first time. Long distance is insane. I had closed myself off to it after previous experiences, but she made her way past the walls of my heart. She didn’t come knocking them down, but she sat outside of it, speaking to me from the other side, slowly building the courage to knock on the doors of my heart.
And when she did, I opened freely. After all, love cannot be forced. It cannot be “filtered” into some beautiful and poetic experience. It is, don’t get me wrong, but love is war. It is fighting for each other and learning each other. It is a school where a soul is at stake.
She is home. She is an adventure. She is also, a way better lover than I am.
For years I’ve written letters to my future wife. It was born out of my fifth grade self’s pure desire to love someone. Eventually, I gave up. But she gave me the desire to write again. Now, when I wrote, I never desired anything in return. Yet this soul surprised me with a journal full of letters to me. Beautifully written and authentically vulnerable love letters.
This journal full of letters to me wrecked me. I cried reading it on the plane ride back home, even while being surrounded by my close friends and coworkers. In all of my years hoping for someone to love, I have struggled to understand that I deserve someone to love me as well. In her, I've not only found a heart that mirrors mine, but one the exceeds it. When I see her, I do not see too much, but see this captivating fountain of love, once that I desire to care for and to drink from.
Her love has been so healing, that when we first met at Disneyland, she disarmed me with just a smile. Her love guides me closer to God. It has helped me grow and become a better person. It has freed me from preconceptions or false ideas that I am “too much” or “not enough.” In her, I’ve found a brave soul that is not afraid to love me to the cross.
The photo I took of her praying melted me. It made me understand how much she does not love just in word, but also in action. Love is a verb to her, one she lives out so beautifully and wonderfully. And I’m not the only one who sees it. Her friends do, and now, my friends do too. It was awesome to have my closest friends (basically family) meet her too. And Jay, @fireflyclasstransport, you’ll get to meet her soon too. :)
Seeing her interact with my friends, who love her too, was amazing. They’d tease me about her as we started to sneak off for some private time together. It’s a blessing to hear how much they like her and want her to move to be closer. In this way, my world becomes smaller and homey. My friends becoming friends with each other, and my beloved at the center of it all.
This is a long, convoluted way (my JPII is showing) of saying that I am head over heels for a girl. She has wrecked me, loved me, and called me out in so many ways. She is the Astrid to my Hiccup. The Amy to my Jake. To Kairi to my Sora.
From sneaking off to watch Spider-Man, to random pizza dinners, to slow strolls through a castle, to singing our favorite worship songs at church, I am home and I have found my favorite adventure. And I cannot wait for the other ones to come after all this.
I love you, my Lena, @brideshead. I am totally yours.