‘ you act like you don’t care if you live or die, sometimes. but i care. ’
these years spent on the road have been trying . it ’ s as though each year has been a decade . she can hardly believe that only three years have passed since she abandoned her dreams of a normal life , that it hasn ’ t been DECADES of darkness and violence and loneliness . there is a weight on her soul , and it isn ’ t getting lighter .
she is barely through the door , blood still tacky where it has dried in thick smears over her hands , at her temple , when lydia speaks . the words bring the line of her shoulders up TIGHT , make her clench her teeth against the sharp pang that rises in the back of her throat , the heat that itches behind her eyes . “ is that supposed to be enough ? ” she bites out , voice choked with the tears she hates to show . they ’ ve skirted this fight before , prodded at the edges of ash ’ s self destruction . she wants to pull the words back the moment they are out , but something UGLY inside her purrs at the hurt in lydia ’ s eyes . “ god , lydia . i ’ ve known you for what ? a couple of months ? ”
the tears are welling now , clinging stubbornly to the edges of her lashes , and her chest is tight with DESPERATION . she feels hysteria bubbling up in the form of laughter , lets it froth at her lips like blood . “ you don ’ t get it . you just don ’ t fucking get it . ” she ’ s rambling now . it ’ s as if , with those few simple words , lydia had managed to YANK out ash ’ s foundations and send her carefully constructed composure clattering to the floor . “ i fucked up ! i fucked up , and now this . . . this BULLSHIT is my life ! no home , no money . fighting fucking ghosts ! like SERIOUSLY ! what the fuck ? ” there are tear tracks down her cheeks now , glistening against the dirt and blood on her face . “ i know it , like . . . we ’ re helping people . i ’ m helping people . REDEEMING myself . but sometimes i just want it to be over , you know ? ”
