it’s been a while since i’ve posted abt my Bad Thoughts and Feelings so here goes
i feel so lonely and isolated
i feel super abandoned and it’s not fair???
i used to have these nightmares (ones that made me cry and whimper in my sleep) about how emily would say or do things that upset me and when i got super upset that she was ignoring my feelings and whatnot, she’d vanish -- she’d abandon me
and.... in a lot ways, these nightmares have come to fruition
i feel like she’s left me behind, that she doesn’t rly care about me anymore -- she says she does, but i don’t quite believe her
all the planning she does with her life now revolves around him
tbh i’m kinda terrified of saying his name even though it’s so ridiculous of me to feel that way, i guess?
i guess i’m kinda resentful and i resent him in a lot of ways and i resent that he made me feel like... idk. made, makes me feel all this doubt about myself. i feel as though i was too clingy, too needy
i feel like -- he never cared.
and all these feelings and thoughts and everything haunts me so much and so badly. i cry every day lmfao.
i still think about them too much and i still miss them and i miss what we had in a way. i’m sorta moving on and i’m struggling a lot.
i’m so lost in my head and my thoughts and....... i do what i can to pull myself out, but it’s very difficult to do it by myself and i dunno who to turn to to help me bc emily is --
i hate how i fixate and how i spiral. i just really need someone to hold me, haha. i fucking hate them for abandoning me. i fucking hate myself too.