#breaking.thorns

[haunting-roses]

man all i want to do is just watch spn and not focus on the rest of the world around me but it feels like im never allowed to do that. theres always something thats being expected of me and its exhausting. why am i being expected to fix everything all of the time

[haunting-roses]

sometimes i find myself feeling upset over watching dean explain away things john did to sam (like in bad boys, insisting it wasn’t john’s fault for him ending up where he did) before realizing ive done the Exact same thing many times before. it just became natural after a point, to take the blame away from whoever is hurting you, to insist that surely you had to have been in the wrong because why else would you have ended up in that situation

if there’s anything ill applaud the spn writing for, it is that. because it really does make it feel more… real. i feel it really brings more life to the characters, to what theyre put through

[haunting-roses]

isnt it so fucked how i find more comfort in a fictional character than i do a real person rn. the only thing keeping me from completely cracking at the seams is thinking abt dean and watching videos abt him. how sick and twisted is that

[haunting-roses]

im so tired. everything constantly feels so heavy and. i feel im running on empty all the time. i wish more than anything that i didnt feel this way. i wish i could just snap my fingers and make everything magically better.

but at the same time all i want is to just disappear. and maybe he wants that too. maybe i really should.

[haunting-roses]

anytime i think ive finally managed to do it, to kill the feelings, i talk with them and its like im back at square one, with my heart aching to be theirs.

its so ridiculous, how much i crave their attention, how happy i get to see their name in my notifications. but i dont, and never will, know if they even like me the same. i dont have the courage to find out, to risk ruining a friendship over such… silly things.

they deserve far better than me anyways.