#brenspost

[tinychickens]

So here’s an explanation for executive dysfunction for neurotypicals

I need to do my homework

But I feel dirty cause I was walking around outside barefoot this morning

I can’t do homework because I sit in bed to do homework and I don’t want my bed to get dirty

I don’t want to take a shower now because I like to take a shower at the end of the day to wind down

And then you’re just stuck in that loop for hours and there’s nothing you can do, you try so hard to think of solutions but you’re so set on it that you can’t change the problem

Do homework in a different place? Can’t, I like to do homework in bed and plus I can’t focus on anything else cause I feel dirty

Take a shower now? Can’t, but I really don’t want to because then I can’t take one tonight and it really helps me wind down at the end of the day

Do something else? Can’t, it’s time to do homework and yes I have other things to do but homework is the most important thing I need to do right now

And so you just gotta suffer and think and think and think and either do nothing and get nothing done, don’t do homework because you feel dirty and don’t want to shower now, or

Figure out which is the least annoying/disruptive option to your routine and preferences and do that to try to get back on track

In this case I chose to take a shower now so that I could get on with my day cause I knew it would be bothering me all day if I felt dirty, and I can try to do some other things tonight to find down

But it took me an hour to figure out why I was struggling to go do my homework and what I could do to fix it

[arlosadventures]

So I realized I haven’t actually mentioned this yet

I’m washing Arlo. There are two main reasons- he’s too social, and I don’t *really* need him as a service dog anymore. I’ve had Arlo for over a year now, and no matter what I do, I think he’s just too social to be a successful service dog. Some dogs are totally fine being focused on their work, and limiting socialization to off duty times, but Arlo is not that kind of dog. He absolutely loves all people and all other animals, and it makes him so sad when he can’t go say hi when he’s out working. It breaks my heart, and I can’t do that to him. He also doesn’t even fully pay attention to me when we’re out because of it, because he just loves to watch the world. A service dog that’s supposed to be preforming alert tasks can’t exactly work if he’s just staring at other people and dogs constantly :P

The second reason is actually a pretty happy reason: I think I’ve made pretty good progress in the last year and a half, and I’m to a point where I’m not sure I need a service dog. This may change in the future, but for now that’s where I’m at. My arthritis is extremely well controlled with medication- my joints are still weak and stiff, but I’m rarely in pain. My mental health is still not great, but it’s a lot better than it has been. I haven’t been working Arlo for the past month, and I’ve been fine at various appointments, running errands, etc. I miss having him with me, because his presence provides a lot of comfort to me, but that’s not what a service dog is supposed to do. I’m still planning on training him in a few more tasks to do at home, because I have 99% of my breakdowns and things at home. I still want him to do DPT and grounding things, and I’m not sure what else. But I really don’t need those tasks while out in public.

I’m sad in a way, but I’m also relieved. It’s taken a lot of stress off of me, especially about feeling like a failure of a trainer because I just haven’t been able to get Arlo to focus on me while out working, so that he can actually preform his tasks. It’s an adjustment, but a good one. 

[tinychickens]

this is what capitalism does to a family

[tinychickens]

ive sent so many emails and made so many phone calls this week!! i hate being an adult!! make it stop!! i want to play with legos and drink chocolate milk

[tinychickens]

for as much as i joke about my adhd i sure do hate myself when i actually show symptoms and have any problems because of it

love that internalized shame and ableism :)

[tinychickens]

I talked to my therapist today about getting a letter to send to the top sugery people and she’s doing that in the next few weeks!! It’s all coming together folks!! Once she sends that in I can get a consultation scheduled like a month out

[tinychickens]

I wasn’t able to make it to my lgbt group very much this summer and there are only a handful of people at work who use my pronouns, so over the summer I almost got used to people using she/her pronouns for me. I’m too scared to correct people at work and it still feels wrong, but I got used to it. Now that school is starting again and I’m the co president of two clubs and volunteering with another thing and everyone else involved is actually respectful and uses my pronouns, and I’ve been getting emails planning for things and people have been using my pronouns and it’s almost been weird to get used to again? It’s not that it feels wrong I’m just not used to it anymore

[tinychickens]

im gay!!! im so fucking gay!!!!!!!!!!!!