Your family could help you find meaning in life | Bridge Point
"The older I get the more that I see;
My parents aren't heroes, they're just like me."
— Sasha Alex Sloan, "Older"
Man’s search for a life of meaning might be connected to how they were nurtured by their families. Their upbringing might hold answers for their current problems and the uncertainties of the future.
The Goods
The introductory chapter of the book Religion and the Meaning of Life: An Existential Approach by Clifford Williams talks about some concepts of an existentialist philosophy. One of these concepts reveal that an existentialist's search for a meaningful life must be anchored on two things: first, engaging in worthwhile activities; and second, having good inner states. The first one emphasizes the importance of how we find our daily activities to be worthy of doing. The latter, on the other hand, highlights the importance of feelings, emotions, and desires that have a positive impact on the person and to the world around him. Williams suggests that these two things are critical in one's search for a meaningful life through the lens of an existentialist.
In one of my active projects, one of my key reflections talks about my growing admiration for my parents. They are not the perfect parents—that is a truth I choose to believe. Some of their beliefs don't agree with mine, but they have values that are worthy of emulating. At most, my reflection gave three values: their unconditional love for family which allowed them to make sacrifices and put others first before themselves; their value for education which brings reason to my curious pursuit; and their hardworking and ambitious attitude which ultimately formed the foundation of my current desires in life. I was blessed (or lucky, as others would prefer to say) to have such parents, while others weren't.
The opening quote of this article are song lyrics, and if you have seen it circulating around Instagram, it was from a reel where a girl was singing these lyrics with such emotion that it was felt by the people who watched the reel, as evident from the comments section. I've seen this reel before, and it made me emotional, but now that it returned to my feed, I am finally able to connect those emotions into the things I'm currently learning.
Transport
Both the reel and my reflection coincided with how existentialists try to find meaning in a world of meaninglessness. Existentialist philosophers believe that we are the architects of our own lives, and that our pursuit for meaning is likely stemming from the virtues that we deeply relate to. It may have originated from our experiences in life, both good and bad, which allows us to craft our personal identity.
Like I said, my parents aren't perfect, at least in my point of view. But the existentialists' sense of individual control to one’s life is connected with the notion that my parents’ approach to life is their own perception of what a meaningful life must be. Their perception paved the way that my brother and I were raised—imperfect, yet meaningful.
They engage in worthwhile activities, even though most of them are difficult and sometimes take too much of their time and energy.
They continue to work for the family, even though my brother and I have already graduated college, and there's this Filipino value that we're supposed to be giving back already. Most people would say it's not their responsibility because "children are not investments," but I would feel better if they stop working already and enjoy the rest of their lives.
Feeling better is an example of a good inner state. But there’s more to it than just feeling better. They're getting old and they've already spent a large percentage of their lives helping us figure out our own. I think it's about time they take care of themselves, because we're already old enough to take care of ourselves. However, our financial situation requires them to still work in order for us to survive each day.
They find these activities worthwhile because they value their family so much that they're willing to sacrifice their own happiness for others to find their own. I feel guilty while writing this, and for me, guilt could be a good emotion to feel every now and then, because it makes me realize what I should be prioritizing and valuing more.
Some, if not all, of their values create good inner states that positively impact their children's lives and the lives of other people they're engaging with on a daily basis.
This is evident with their happy outlook in life. They're generally more cheerful because they think that their values of hard work and determination are essential for a meaningful life. Their daily undertakings are grounded by their ability to love their children unconditionally. Most of their life, they've swallowed their pride and asked favors from different people in order for us to finish our college education. These good inner states became the basis of their daily lives, which resonates in the way they are living now.
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Both my mother and my father continue to engage in worthwhile activities, resulting in good inner states. Because of these, my brother and I were brought up with values that could potentially be used for building our own foundation of a meaningful life.
It also holds true that we do not have the same parents. Some were raised in abusive households. The absence of good inner states and worthwhile activities preceded a family besieged with trauma and abuse. These were unfortunate situations where the parents did not pursue a life of meaning. They were raised in circumstances that prevent them from seeing the good in life. Because of this, it is difficult for their children to pursue and even just ponder a meaningful life.
Regardless whether we have good or bad families, some existentialists believe that our experiences help us decide which path to take in our future. The choice of a meaningful life or a meaningless life lies within our hands. We ultimately have the freedom to decide.
We can use these bad experiences and fuel our desire to let the world experience what we experienced. Or, we can use these experiences to fuel our own desire to make the world experience the opposite. Whichever path we are to take is hinged on the set of values we establish within ourselves. It is imperative to think that we as individuals have absolute control of the paths we take next.
As someone who's starting to delve into the philosophy of existentialism, I'm choosing the latter. I've come to experience pain and suffering from the tendencies of my parents to be perfectionistic and overly reliant on achievements. I've already said this in a previous article. I was molded to uphold excellence at all times because they deem it necessary for a good life. By being the best, I can outrun poverty and live a better life than what my parents personally experienced. I don't think it's wrong, it just doesn't align with my own belief system. The saying which goes “The intentions are good, but the actions are not” can be seen reflected by this.
While trying to finish this article, I was called by my father to assist in what he’s doing outside. He was re-building a pole where my mother's plants are hanging. The old bamboo one was already a bit flimsy and it requires replacing. My father doesn't love gardening, but my mother does. It's yet another illustration of how good inner states (in this case, love for his wife) could lead to worthwhile activities that add meaning to one’s life.
We and our parents are human beings. In an existentialist's perception, one must find meaning for life through activities, feelings, and desires that positively affects others. Our families and the values they’ve instilled within us as we grew older might have contributed to our personal identity. This goes the same for the values that we do not want to emulate. This concept of a personal identity as a result of our upbringing could then allow us to find purpose in a meaningless world.
Now then, it is only fitting that I end this article by quoting one of the most influential existentialists of our time, Fyodor Dostoevsky, and it goes like this:
"The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for." (The Brothers Karamazov)
Allow me to ask you three questions. How is your upbringing reflected in your personal identity? How does this relate to your search for meaning? And lastly, what first step are you taking towards your own idea of a meaningful life while using the values that you have acquired from your family?
Stop looking outward because as strange as it may sound, you may already hold the answers to these questions.
