#brightsidenotfound

[learningtofindmybrightside]

All I’ve realized lately is that I’m exactly like my dad. My whole life I was so scared I’d grow up to be just like him and now here I am living my worst fears. I don’t want to be angry and yell when I’m upset but lately I can’t seem to keep in under control. I’m just constantly stressed out and reacting instead of responding and I just feel like maybe I should be alone so I don’t end up hurting everyone around me like my dad did.

[learningtofindmybrightside]

I 💚 when I mention to people that I’m trans and then they stop talking to me 😎

[learningtofindmybrightside]

My mental state is pretty fucked up today. My dysphoria has been kicking my ass the past few days, and it makes me think of being with him. I think the hardest part of this break up was that for the first time I had someone who I felt really understood my dysphoria and the mental struggle that came along with it and now I’m back to being alone in my transness again. Other than my dysphoria, one of my really good friends moves to Amsterdam permanently today and while I’m so fucking excited for her I am also going to miss her so very much. I’ve been holding back tears at work most of the day and the only thing that is getting me through is that I get to go home and play d&d with my roommates tonight. It sucks things are so hard the last couple of days because I have been doing so good, and I’ll keep doing good, it’s just today and yesterday have been really tough.

[learningtofindmybrightside]

Sometimes I hate correcting people on my pronouns. My social anxiety is so bad sometimes I just can't do it. I used to do the same shit with my birth name. I'll go weeks without correcting people and then I feel guilty when I finally do.

[learningtofindmybrightside]

Note to self #2

I absolutely need top surgery to be happy. There is no way around it. I can't look in the mirror at my chest without dissociating.

[learningtofindmybrightside]

I'm like three seconds away from a mental breakdown and no matter how hard I try the world won't give me a break.

[learningtofindmybrightside]

I just want to disappear.

Start over somewhere where no one knows of me and I can just be alone.

[learningtofindmybrightside]

It’s my birthday in a few days and honestly it’s the first year in as long as I remember that I’m not excited for it. None of my friends are in town, none of my family asked to take me to dinner, my partner is in a splint and just in a bad mood generally because of it and I was too exhausted with everything going on in my life to plan myself a party or even plan far enough in advance to go out and do something. Everything lately just feels like too much pressure and I just wish someone would have reached out to me to ask if I wanted to do anything. Like I’m probably just going to go to work and then go home to an empty house. Happy birthday to me I guess.