Dec 22, 2021
Yesterday I got to celebrate the winter solstice with a bunch of my friends from college and the love and warmth I felt will keep me through the winter 💚
seen from Yemen
seen from Türkiye
seen from Yemen
seen from Canada
seen from Yemen
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Japan
seen from Yemen
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from Kazakhstan
seen from Australia
seen from Germany
seen from Algeria
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from Australia
Yesterday I got to celebrate the winter solstice with a bunch of my friends from college and the love and warmth I felt will keep me through the winter 💚
Tonight I realized that sometimes creating change isn’t making waves. It’s changing a single company or a person. It’s investing an effort into making sure that no one after you has to deal with the same bullshit as you did. Some times making an impact doesn’t make headlines, even if it is changing lives.
My mental state is pretty fucked up today. My dysphoria has been kicking my ass the past few days, and it makes me think of being with him. I think the hardest part of this break up was that for the first time I had someone who I felt really understood my dysphoria and the mental struggle that came along with it and now I’m back to being alone in my transness again. Other than my dysphoria, one of my really good friends moves to Amsterdam permanently today and while I’m so fucking excited for her I am also going to miss her so very much. I’ve been holding back tears at work most of the day and the only thing that is getting me through is that I get to go home and play d&d with my roommates tonight. It sucks things are so hard the last couple of days because I have been doing so good, and I’ll keep doing good, it’s just today and yesterday have been really tough.
My mom called me her son today. It was forced and awkward but I guess it's a start.
Fresh cut got me feeling myself again.
My partner is downstairs listening to audioslave and making me breakfast as I take my time getting ready and taking care of myself for the day. The scared 7 year old me would feel so safe and happy if they were here today.
A year ago today my whole world shattered. He left me broken with no warning. He was the first person I trusted to let myself see a future with, to dream of something I could create for myself and all of my hopes and dreams were crushed and buried. I let myself believe that I could have a real family, that I’d fit into that puzzle. When he left me he took my dog, my newfound family, my best friend, and maybe my first true love. Maybe I shouldn’t have put all my eggs into one basket, but I trusted home because he was my best friend first and I never thought he’d just walk away without a warning, a conversation, or a chance for me to change and work on our relationship. I don’t think anyone will ever hurt me as much as he did, I don’t think it’s possible.
On the flip side, I’m so proud of myself for being here today. I wanted the heartbreak to kill me. I didn’t want to start over, to be alone, I wanted so badly to just die and be done with it all. But I’m here. I have a house to call home, a new boyfriend that cares so deeply about me that it scares me, and I found out who my real family was. This past year has been one of the hardest I’ve ever had but I came out so much stronger than I thought I could be. And I’m so proud that I did it for myself and not for a family that was never mine to begin with.
Feelin myself