So, I talked to James Dean Look Alike last night. I took (surprisingly) Douchebag Dan's advice to talk to him about something non-superficial and I asked him his honest opinion on how intimidating I was. The long and short of it was that I'm initially intimidating to people but he knows me well enough now to not find me intimidating anymore.
I asked him if I should change and try and be less quiet and sarcastic (which, tbh, I'm not that quiet, just around his particular group of friends). He said no, that I should just keep being myself and the conversation pretty much ended.
So, I guess we're on cool terms. I wish I was able to ask him if he still found me attractive or if I chased him away with my vagina but now's probably not the best time. That being said, he's possibly gonna go to Archon (sci-fi con) with me in October so maybe by then we'll be able to start over.
So, me and BG were supposed to have Roomie Day today. Actually, I should rewind and talk about last night, where he had his small going away thing, which just wound up being him doing a bunch of drugs and me awkwardly sitting there.
Skipping over some of the more juicy bits, he more or less spent a decent portion of the evening telling me how he wanted to fix things between us and be friends and how he wanted to keep trying to make things right and so on and so forth.
The plan was that he was going to call me/message me around 2 today and we were gonna have roomie day and talk and see a movie or whatever.
I literally flat out told him "You're not going to call me. I don't want to get my hopes up for something that's not going to happen." and he told me that he wanted to prove me wrong and that he really wanted to spend time with me yada yada.
On my way out the door, he stopped me, and told me basically that he really is sorry, and that he doesn't mean to do the shitty things he does to me, and that he's trying his best to make them right and that he's "sorry if it's not enough", but that he was going to keep trying. Which, really kinda touched me and resonated with me.
Needless to say, as I said, 6 o'clock rolls around and I get a big fat nothing from British Guy, so I message him "Told you" and he basically messages back that he has no idea what I'm talking about and that he was really high and doesn't remember anything.
Which, since you were just taking fucking addy like, no.
And so I go on to remind him about everything, and tell him that I'm bummed because I was actually for a microsecond thinking that he was being sincere, and he was like "Well, yeah, we're gonna hang on Saturday".
And I"m like "[British Guy] today is Saturday."
Somehow, he forgot.
Whatever. SO the current plan is for me to wake him up tomorrow at 11, which probably won't happen but okay, and we're gonna talk then.
But, I'm really contemplating whether or not all of this is worth it. Like, is it really worth the stress and the drama? Should I really attempt to keep being friends with him? Is it going to get any better?
There's no doubt in my mind that I love him to pieces. Even though he's a twat, I really do legitimately care about him. And as such, I really would love it if we could remain friends.
Buuuuut, at the same time, he really did intentionally fuck me. Like, badly. For no reason. And while I'm not super angry about it, it did hurt, and it was really disgusting and shameless and did cause me a lot of anxiety and distress.
Right now, mentally and emotionally I'm not in a good place. I'm not secure. I'm stressed and I really need to do what's best for me. And I'm not sure if continuing our friendship is what's best. But, at the same time, maybe it is. I dunno. When we're relaxing and having fun together, I do really enjoy it. When he's being a twat is when I have the problem.
I'm trying to decide who I want/need in my life, and who doesn't/shouldn't be there anymore. Bums me, but yeah.
Annnyway, I guess I'll see how tomorrow goes. I'll attempt to wake him at 11 like he asked me to, which I doubt will happen. With any luck I'll actually get to see him before he leaves for the UK, and tell him how I feel and what I'm thinking (and how shitty it was for him to have CAG basically try and guilt trip me into forgiving him).
I want to forgive him, I do. I just don't know if I should trust him/myself.
Uhhhh AKA that Awkward Moment in which BG compares me to his girlfriend
So I had an interview today for a job that I actually got, and by the time I got home I was too tired to change so I just kinda stayed looking dressed up.
Anyway, he gets home, makes a comment about me looking nice, which I brush off and then he's like "Oh, you didn't have to get all dressed up for me." And then I make a crack about how I was 'totes waiting for him and totally got all dressed up for him' and he laughed it off.
And later we were on the couch and he was like 'Whoa, yeah you really do look nice today why do you look so nice' and I'm like "I had an interview. I mean, no, I totally did it for you. Yep. Except no that'd be fucking terrible."
And he was like "Well, I wouldn't be surprised. I wouldn't mind."
*slow blink*
And then he went on "Well, I expect [Crazy Asian Girlfriend] to do it so why wouldn't I think you would?"
And there was just this... horribly awkward moment of silence.
And I just was like "Uh... because we're not currently fucking?"
SO British Guy came home a bit ago, and it was all fine and dandy and he was all cuddly and shit because he missed me and I'm the coolest roommie whatev.
Anyway, literally I spent three fucking days cleaning this goddamn apartment and the first thing he does is dump his shit on the ground.
And then his girlfriend comes over and the first thing she does is just drop her fucking shit on the ground.
Like
STAAAAAAAAAHP
I JUST FUCKING CLEANED THIS FUCK FUCKING APARTMENT YOU FUCKING TWATS
So, British Guy's old roommate (the one he once told me I should sleep with and got pissed at me for not) just like... walked in.
Like, I'm lying on the couch reading and shit and I just hear the door open and I'm thinking it's BG and that he's back a few days early.
And turns out it's his old roommate, who doesn't live here anymore, who just happens to have a key still, just randomly popping in.
So, it's super fucking awkward. He like, walks in, stand around for like 20 seconds, steals some booze, walks into the kitchen to nom some food, and then is like "Okay, so I might come back at some point to drink and pass out."
YOU. DON'T. LIVE. HERE. ANYMORE.
But, since it's not my place, I was just like "... uh... okay?"
Why do you even deal with British Guy if he's such a dick?
Because he’s entertaining, tbh. At first it was because we were having sex. And then when that stopped it was because he was a hot mess and I just couldn’t look away. And now it’s because I’m actually living with him and as such he’s pretty much floating me financially since he’s cooking for me and not charging me for any bills.
