Monkey Love: a screenplay
(Fade from black to three monkeys wearing waistcoats and tiny bowler hats sitting in a smoke-filled cigar bar.)
Lewis: Oh those damnable humans have really done it now.
Simmons: What happened this time?
Lewis: They have invented something that is just truly ghastly.
Simmons: Ghastly?
Lewis: Yes. And I dare not even mention what it is.
(Pause.)
Cromwell: Well out with it, man!
Simmons: Best not keep us in suspense. We'll find out soon regardless.
Lewis: I can't.
Simmons: You must!
Lewis: It is too horrible to tell.
Simmons: It can't be that bad.
Cromwell: Yes. What evil could those humans possible have created?
Lewis: (Sighs.) Well...you must promise to keep this between us three.
Simmons: Certainly.
Cromwell: On my mother's grave, sir.
Lewis: Very well.
(Pause.)
Lewis: The humans...they've invented homosexuality.
Cromwell: My god.
Lewis: Yes.
Simmons: How did you find this out?
Lewis: Well...look around you.
(Camera pans around bar to reveal dozens of men in mesh shirts and assless chaps dancing sexually.)
Lewis: The bar has been sold, you see.
Cromwell: I was wondering what that was.
Lewis: They're...homosexuals.
Simmons: Blasphemy and damnation. We must rid the world of this sequined scourge.
Cromwell: But how?
Lewis: I have a plan, actually.
Simmons: I'm listening.
Lewis: What if we create a mechanized killing machine.
Cromwell: I'm with you so far.
Lewis: And it destroy them all and burn all of their houses down. Also we can have it destroy all of the world's scarf shops.
Simmons: This sounds quite ambitious.
Cromwell: That is the essence of its charm, my good man.
Simmons: I just don't know if it's doable.
Lewis: Well do you have a better suggestion?
Simmons: Actually yes. What if we create a virus that kills all of the gays.
Lewis: How would that work?
Simmons: We'll engineer it to only be transmitted through gay sex.
Cromwell: BRILLIANT!
Lewis: I'm all for it.
Simmons: Then let's work out the details...at my laboratory....
(Zoom out to reveal that the entire scene was being played on a television screen in a living room. Mike Huckabee is sitting next to the TV.)
Mike: And that is why I am running for president.
Narrator: Vote Mike Huckabee for president in 2012. Because if he doesn't win, then the monkeys will turn on straight people next.
(Fade to white.)
because guns don't kill people, monkeys with AIDS do