Every living thing has a creation story. The story provides explanation of an existence. The first breath of life. The birthdate. When it all began. We all have one. Some of us even have more than one creation story and that’s okay.
At this very moment, I have three. The first story was recorded as my first day on earth, my birthday. A couple days shy of Christmas, I was born a healthy, strong-willed Capricorn. My capricorn tendencies have been spot on ever since.
The second story was the moment I realized I had fallen in love with a geeky-looking Navajo boy who I had met in my tenth grade drama class. He was an inch or two taller than me which was a plus because I was the tallest girl in my school (and probably the tallest girl on my reservation). He was a little chubby, had a mouth full of aluminum or whatever braces are made of, parted his hair right down the middle and sported rounded rectangular glasses. Compared to the “popular” guys at school you’d probably second guess him and count him out. He was sarcastic in nature and, initially, seemed condescending. But once you survived a couple of his sarcastic attacks and fired back with a quick whit, his walls came down; and that condescending smirk turned into a genuine smile. He was the sweetest boy I had ever met.
Just like high school kids do, we hung out between classes and sometimes during lunch. He’d wait for me after school and we’d have teasing sessions equipped with sarcastic comebacks and burns. In drama class we’d make fun our schizophrenic teacher (okay so she wasn’t really schizophrenic, but she acted like it), and we’d have poking wars. Our unexpected friendship started moving faster than either of us had anticipated and a mutual attraction was becoming more and more apparent in our gestures and words.
The summer before junior year, I waited patiently for him to take the plunge and ask me out. He never did. After toying with my emotions the entire summer and part of the fall semester, I decided to woman up and ask him out myself. I’d never done anything so bold and daring. I put on my brave face and confessed my feelings for him. I asked if he wanted to be my boyfriend. His answer was along the lines of ‘sorry, but I see you more like a friend’. My heart felt like it was thrown off the highest peak, free falling, feeling the rush of the build up only to be met with the hard, harsh reality of the ground. I must have been more durable and resilient back then because I was able to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off and walk directly into the friend zone. I accepted it gracefully, and although I was still hurt about it, I made the decision that it was his loss and I’d be the greatest friend he’d ever have.
Junior year had come and gone, and his voice had become the soundtrack to my summer. We’d kept in contact through phone and hung out sporadically. Those old feelings began to resurface and our friendship was becoming more than what we both knew what to do with. I figured this time he would surely ask me to be his girlfriend because there were times he would prelude to it but never executed. In pure capricorn fashion, I took the lead and asked him for a second time to be my boyfriend. The thought of rejection was non-existent because this time everything felt right. I was sure of myself and of my feeling for him. I sent him a message that read I think it’s about time you become mine (corny I know, but I was a seventeen year old kid so no judgement!) He replied with I think it’s time too, and the rest was history.
For almost seven years, that boy was my best friend. He was my protector, my comedian, my cheerleader, my chef, my comforter, my nurse, my navigator, my partner in crime, my motivator, my warm body, my first love, my musician, my memories, my teammate, my goodnight and goodmorning kisses, my bear hugs, my handyman, my teacher, my student, my companion, my life partner, my future, my future husband, my future baby daddy, my boo boo, my heart, my everything. He was my everything.
I felt like I was in my sincerest form when he was within reach. Despite our ups and downs, I craved him every second of every day. There were many times when I love you didn’t seem appropriate to say anymore because the feelings I felt for him went beyond those three words. I didn’t know how to control those feelings or how to express those feelings to him. The only fitting phrase that came close came from a Pixar movie - I infinity and beyond you. So when I felt overwhelmed by my love for him I’d simply say I infinity and beyond you.
Now the third story began the day before his twenty-fourth birthday. The four and a half months leading up to this day will be remembered by me always as the worst days of our relationship because at some point I realized I had lost him and the connection that had held us so closely together. I could feel him slipping away and I did not know how to stop it. Subconsciously, I began to prepare myself for the inevitable.
That evening, I laid in bed slowly waking from a nap. I awoke to the sound of his voice in the living room. I continued to lay there contently just listening to his voice. The more awake I became, the more I could hear the flirtation in his voice. The tone he used was familiar. I remembered that tone when we would quietly talk on the phone late at night into the early morning and we’d only get three hours of sleep before we’d have to be at school and we’d be together.
I concentrated on his tone and the words he chose for the next ten minutes. My body began to shake, my throat began to tighten, my stomach began to flip and my heart began to break as I tried to prepare myself for the inevitable. A slip of a whispered I miss you and I could feel my world cracking. The final blow manifested in the words I love you and I miss you. Now you tell me…okay, I love you. Those fifteen words said with the voice I once found so soothing and comforting broke my heart.
It was at this moment, I was born again. There was no longer ‘he and I’, there was just me, myself and I. Now after an emotional roller coaster eight months later, I am still broken-hearted and very much single, but I made the decision to embrace this experience, learn from this lesson and take advantage of this opportunity to become the woman I’ve always known myself to be. After being in a seven year relationship, I lost focus of who I am as a young woman and I forgot about the desire to be independent and validated in myself, not validated by a boy.
This new journey is about healing my heart, validating myself, exploring the unknown, living in the now, appreciating the past, faith in my future, counting my blessings and becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be. My heart is still broken, but I hear it takes time, faith and forgiveness. Patience has always been a specialty of mine so time and faith are covered. It’s the forgiveness part I’ve been working on. Hopefully I’ll reach that point, but for now I want to live, laugh, learn and yes, love again.
This is my most recent creation story and my hope is that my story helps someone going through the same pain and heartache as myself to keep the faith and trust your struggle. I know it won’t be easy, but I believe it’ll be worth it.
