I've been listening to Joe Rogan lately and thinking about the future. You know what? I don't know what I want to do with my life.
I know that Physiotherapy fucking fascinates me, but at the same time it drives me insane. I know that art and drawing and thinking about things makes me feel peaceful inside, and but I know that doing an arts degree would feel like an exploitation of myself. I'm happy being a mediocre artist and I know that drawing and writing on a deadline would drive me insane. I also know that I need a kick in the ass and that I'm seriously wasting my ability to write. I used to want to write a book. Three actually. And I know that the way I'm going, none of them will see the light of day. So I need a better balance between uni and family and love and my art and rowing. And seeing state tryouts yesterday made me realise just how much rowing means to me. It made me realise just how vulnerable I feel knowing that we're going to lose so much of our stuff in less than a week. I know that to get to a level that I could beat state level rowers will take a lot of work and I'm scared of that kind of committment. But I want it. And I know I want it. And Daniel and Pamela want it for me. Enough so that Dan's training six days a week in offseason in the hopes that I'll come down and he'll have someone he knows to do states with. Which I will be doing. Next year I will be in a better frame of mind, and I'll be in a position to compete at state level. And be a decent physio student with a beautiful writers mind and an incredible boyfriend who will love and support me through everything that's going to test me in the world.