Oh, there you are, Anxiety
Since I was very young, people terrify me. Not just in the sense that I was shy, but legitimately afraid of people. Whether I knew them or not. I am pretty sure it's because of Mother, since that's how she was and it was a fear she instilled in me.
This eventually evolved into social anxiety disorder. For the longest time it controlled everything I did. Every person I met was another potential panic attack waiting to happen. I would sit alone cut off from the world too afraid of what would happen if I trusted anyone.
Skipping ahead, I have gotten better. I have learned how to manage for the most part. I have a small inner circle of friends who encourage and support me. The problem is I have become overly dependent on them. I can't seem to socialize without them. Other friends who are aware of my anxiety, and are polite about it, are not aware of the control it still has on me. They haven't witnessed what a mess I become once the anxiety kicks in.
Sadly, today I found myself in a situation where I lost control. At a conference with some of my friends, they forgot that the crowd alone was enough to have me on edge, and they went off to lunch without me. Leaving me without a safety net in a sea of strangers who are all too eager to get to know the girl sitting quietly alone. As these strangers continue to chat with me, my friends are no where around. I feel the knot in my stomach, I feel myself begin to sweat even though I'm shivering, I want to scream, but I can't even speak. There is a lump in my throat that I can't seem to swallow. My eyes dart in every direction except at the people's faces. I want to bolt, but I have to wait to pay for my drink. Everything I hear begins to sound like I'm underwater. I'm nodding frantically, trying to seem polite, trying to appear as though nothing is wrong. I can't panic in public. "I have to handle it. I have to handle it." It's echoing through my skull. I'm frantically messaging my friends, hoping someone will come to my rescue, but their phones are off from the conference. I feel trapped. Finally, the moment arrives where I can run, and I realize I have nowhere to hide. The bathroom is the only option. What if someone needs the bathroom? What if my panicking takes too long and someone else needs the bathroom? This feeds the anxiety. Finally...it happens. I can hear the pop in head where I can no longer control the emotions. I begin hyperventilating, running. I have to get out, I need air, I can't let anyone see me. Sadly I run right past my friends as they're coming to find me, but it's too late. The girl they are friends with is gone, in her place is a bundle of nerves that can't be comforted. They have seen me. They see that my socializing is a lie, they see that I'm afraid. They feel guilty. This makes me feel worse. I don't want them to feel guilty. They can't control my mental disorder. They didn't know. How could they know? I don't show the world my problems. I don't expect anyone to make exceptions just for me. It's my anxiety and I chose to come to a place where the risk could happen and I was ill prepared for it. Now I'm hiding in my car, listening to music, writing the post releasing all of the pent up emotions that had been building. Hopefully I am fine now. There's not much I can do when the anxiety decides to take over.
