Good Friday and Facing the Strange
I have so many questions. Ever since I began seeking a better understanding of spirituality, I've had many things change around and within me. Things start to click and connect and I finally feel like I'm no longer just searching blindly for answers. The Hobit once called me out saying, "alright Tom Petty, I get it. You need to know." But I still feel like with more answers come more questions. I don't want to be ungrateful, I just want to understand what's happening.
Birth Giver asked me to help her cook the nopalitos y camaron. She didn't have me separate the eggs like I thought she would, but she had me peak the egg whites and mix in the yolks. As I was doing it, I looked into the silver bowl that used to serve as an extra popcorn bowl at Grandma Minnie's house, I whipped the eggs and thought I heard her voice in my head.
I was super calm, just a little nervous I'd fuck up, but peaceful. Cooking always felt like potions or spells to me. If I concentrated hard enough, there would be magic like I hear about. So I figured thinking about Good Friday, preparing something my grandma used to do on her own, called her to me. I think she regrets not passing that part of her legacy on earlier in life and when our mom's do it, she comes back. It makes me think about eternity, giving back and making sure you leave something to be remembered by. I heard my mom say that Grandma Minnie would be proud. I helped her fold the egg into the nopalitos and camaron that had been cooking and listened to my mom's theories on how my grandma could've pulled this all off by herself year after year on Good Friday.
When it was over, my heart started to race, those anxiety attacks I've been having might not just be my subconscious bringing up dumb shit anymore because I can hardly seem pinpoint what has brought it up. My arm started to shake and my head pushed in a little on itself. My ears have finally stopped tingling.
Was Grandma Minnie actually here? This has just made my hunger to get out on my own to try practice more spirituality and marry it to my family traditions.
It makes me long for someone to share this with. A small house, a man, and a daughter who will know from a young age that if she feels pulled toward a certain direction, her journey will be nurtured. She'll grow up to practice these traditions and add onto them.
I feel so sad right now....but hopeful that even though I am not the person who I need to be, I will be soon. Once I have worked towards strengthening my weaknesses and healing myself, I will get everything I want. I just have to let go. Why is it so scary?
