LIQUID WARMTH || Ruhn Danaan
AUTHORS NOTE: Okay you guys, this one can technically be read as a stand-alone I think but it's meant to be a part two of "LIQUID CHAOS" so I hope it makes sense to everyone :) Also I wrote literally 1000 words for this and somehow deleted it so I apologize if this is shit, I tried to remember what I had but I don't think I got all of it, I feel like it's actually awful
LENGTH: 3954
The first thing Ruhn registered when he opened his eyes was the fact that his head was pounding. It took everything in him just to open his eyes, and even then he had to close them right away. His curtains were open, and the god damn sun was too bright.
Of all the days to be sunny and nice out, it had to be today.
He could hear birds chirping outside, the melody only adding to the headache pulsing at his temples. Though the sun was shining, a cool breeze blew through his cracked bedroom window; that was the only nice part.
A soft groan escaped him as he shifted in bed, slowly reaching up to hold his head. How much had he drank last night?
It had been a long time since he had been this hungover, in fact, he was fairly certain it had been years. He wondered if this was how Bryce felt every weekend when she had been a student.
More than anything, he was irritated with Flynn and Dec for letting him drink as much as he had. Especially because he worked the following morning, and he would spend all of today recovering from his escapades the night before.
What had happened the night before?
He remembered being late for the dance they had promised to meet (Y/N) at. He had been hurrying Flynn along for a good half hour before he finally found the tie he'd been looking for. He had wanted one to compliment his eyes or some shit. They had taken a cab to the venue, and he remembered the entirety the car ride being worried about what (Y/N) had been subjected to in their absence.
It took him a moment to recall the next portion of the events.
When they had stepped inside, they had found her dancing with a male he hadn't seen before, his hands roaming over her while she was clearly uncomfortable with the whole interaction. He remembered it had taken everything in him not to interrupt and pummel the male into the perfectly varnished floor.
Flynn and Dec had held him in place until the song ended, and (Y/N) scrambled away from the male toward them as quickly as she could in a pair of shoes he knew she didn't like. Her face had been twisted into a deep scowl, one that made him a little nervous. He knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of that look, and it wasn't good.
She had told them the male was handsy, so Dec and Flynn had taken care of it while he stood with her at the edge of the crowd, just making small talk while she glared daggers at first the male, then her shoes.
Ruhn pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to remember the rest. It was all hazy, thanks to the alcohol. He was willing to bet it had been whiskey. Whiskey was the only drink that really affected him like this.
Another series of events came to him.
While Dec and Flynn were out . . . dealing with the male, he and (Y/N) had stood side by side, the warmth of her arm against his own, as they talked about her dances and how many he would go to . . . he couldn't remember the exact details of the conversation. Then she had mentioned finding a partner.
Ruhn knew instantly then, that was why he had been drinking.
For nearly 35 years now, he had been in love with one of his best friends.
He wasn't sure when it had begun, in fact he wasn't even sure when he realized it. All he knew was that one day he was looking at her, wanting to shut her up with a bag of chocolates he knew she liked and the next he wanted to shut her up by kissing her. Ruhn hadn't seen it coming.
It was like the ocean creeping up on the shore; slow and unnoticeable, but undeniable.
He was in love with her, and the idea of her being with someone else made him sick to his stomach because he knew her. He knew this wasn't what she wanted because he knew she wasn't ready. She had even said she just wanted her parents to leave her alone. Ruhn understood that more than he wanted to.
The fact that she hadn't said she wanted to find someone, she said that she wanted to be left alone. In her exact words, maybe having someone wouldn't be so bad. Like she was trying to convince herself.
Sitting on the couch that night, that was all he could think about. He drank until he was well past tipsy, and the walls began blurring in and out of focus as he went even beyond that until the rest of the night came in brief flashes of consciousness. He could barely make sense of any of them.
Ruhn sat up slowly, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes in an attempt to block out the light. When he finally dropped his hands, he started.
The chair in the corner of his room was occupied.
Dec looked as if he hadn't gotten any sleep at all; dark bags bruised the skin beneath his eyes, which were drooping closed as he stared at Ruhn's figure on the bed. "Morning," he muttered drily, raising one eyebrow.
Glancing around the room slowly, Ruhn nodded to him. "Mornin'," he rasped.
God, he even sounded hungover.
Looking beyond disgruntled, Dec asked, "how'd you sleep?"
Ruhn stared at him for a moment, feeling as if he had to choose his words carefully. "Okay, I guess. I don't remember coming up to bed, though."
"You're welcome for that," Dec muttered. Then he cleared his throat. "So you don't remember getting up and starfish flopping your way down the hall into my room?"
A flash of a moment flickered through his mind, a very drunken thought of god damned walls, always moving in the way which made no sense to him.
He blinked twice. "Kinda . . . ?"
Dec rolled his lips inward. "Okay, so you don't remember anything else from last night?"
He was clearly hinting at something that Ruhn couldn't figure out. His brows furrowed as he tried to place it. Did I break a fucking wall? What the hell happened?
It wouldn't have had anything to do with the conversation that he and Dec had been having on the walk back to their house. Ruhn had been trying to explain why he so desperately needed a drink; Dec had told him to figure his shit out and maybe explain to (Y/N) what he felt for her.
He and Flynn had picked up on it around 10 years ago, and had been pestering him to tell her ever since. Flynn's reasoning was that they would likely be the hottest couple in Crescent City, whereas Dec simply told him that they both deserved to be happy. (Flynn then went on to say that he also meant that as well, obviously.)
The way the conversation on the walk had gone was the way it had been going on for years. Dec telling him to grow a pair. Ruhn telling him to eat a dick. Dec telling him not right now.
It was never-ending.
But he humoured them because he loved them.
The thought triggered something in him, another memory of a hazy door opening, giving way to the most beautiful female he had ever seen. He knew that it was Dec's room, recognized the scratches on the doorframe. Her hair was a tangled mess, and she was in a pair of sleep shorts and an old T-shirt she had stolen from Flynn, and she was perfect.
I love you like I don't want you to look for someone else, I want you to look for me.
Ruhn's eyes snapped over, his face twisting with horror as he looked over at Dec.
"There it is," his friend muttered, dragging a hand down the side of his face with exhaustion.
He would get on his knees and beg, plead with him to explain that he was crazy. But his stomach sank because he knew it wasn't. Ruhn choked back the bile rising in his throat. "I can't — I don't — what did she say?"
Dec leaned forward and sent his elbow on his knee and his chin in the palm of that hand. "Well, she gave you two choices." Ruhn sucked in a sharp breath. "She said you could either pretend it never happened, or you two could talk about it."
His lips rolled inward. "But she didn't — she didn't say it back." It was more of a statement than a question.
Hesitantly, Dec said, "no, she didn't."
Ruhn dragged a hand down his face, ignoring the tinge of hurt that flickered through his chest. "Fuck," he muttered, allowing his eyes to fall shut.
Mortified. He was mortified.
He had blabbed one of his most close-kept secrets in a drunken haze because she said she might start looking for a partner. He was utterly ridiculous. The sinking feeling that he had just ruined one of his most cherished relationships washed over him, knotting his stomach until he was bolting out of bed for his connected bathroom.
"Here we go," he heard Dec sigh in between retching.
From the corner of his eye he could see his friend lean against the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest. Ruhn wasn't sure how long he was heaving into the toilet, but when the nausea passed and he collapsed backwards so his back was against the wall opposite of the toilet, he sighed. "I'm an idiot."
"Yup," Dec said, popping the p.
"I'm never drinking again."
"Probably a good idea."
But they both knew that would last maybe a week. It was hard to avoid alcohol with their lifestyle.
Ruhn rubbed his face and groaned. "What the fuck is wrong with me?"
"You're an idiot incapable of expressing his feelings because you've got daddy issues."
"Fuck off, Dec."
He rose to his feed and strode back into his room. The first thing he did was yank the curtains closed; he'd had enough of sunshiney bullshit. Then he sat on the foot of his bed and stared blankly at the wall.
Dec took a seat in his armchair.
"What the fuck do I do," he grimaced after a long period of silence.
"Talk to her."
"I can't do that."
"Well, you seemed pretty good at it last night."
Ruhn grumbled lowly, irritated, but changed the subject. "Where is she?"
Humming as he adjusted his position on the chair, Dec said, "last I heard, Flynn took her out shopping. She was a little overwhelmed."
Guilt flooded through him. She was overwhelmed because he was an idiot. "Why didn't you stop me?"
Dec arched a brow. "I tried. We talked about it for three hours on the couch while your drunk-ass moped and grumbled about wanting to be with her until you passed out and I hauled you into bed. I thought you'd be out 'til morning, so I also went to bed. Me and (Y/N) woke up to you fuckin' face planting into the bedroom door at 4AM. I was half asleep when you opened your mouth."
That was fair. He knew it wasn't Dec's fault that he had confessed. It wasn't anyone's fault but his, and pinning the blame wouldn't get him anywhere. "I'm sorry," he muttered.
Dec's expression softened. "Just talk to her," he said gently. "She didn't say it back, but she didn't shut you down, either."
He did have a point . . . not that he even remembered the conversation happening. Maybe she hadn't been horrified.
"What if she doesn't want to talk to me?"
"Ruhn; she literally said you could forget it or talk about it. Trust me, she wants to talk to you."
Even though a part of him was hopeful, he couldn't ignore the pit in his stomach. There was a good possibility he had ruined everything because he had been feeling sorry for himself.
If he lost (Y/N) over this . . .
Well, he wasn't sure he would be able to forgive himself. He wasn't sure Dec and Flynn would forgive him, either.
As he thought about what to do, Dec left the room. He had heard the car door closing outside, and knew that Flynn and (Y/N) had come back. It felt cowardly, but he stayed in his room for quite a while.
He wasn't quite ready to face her yet.
Ruhn set his elbows on his knees and let his face fall into his hands.
This was not how he pictured doing this.
In his head, he always thought he would be alone with her, out for lunch or cooking in their kitchen or in the middle of a party. He didn't care where. It would be just the two of them somewhere, and he would be watching her do something she loved and not be able to contain it anymore.
He would say something really heartfelt, and it would probably be one of the most honest things he would ever say in his long life. She wouldn't cry over it. Not (Y/N). No, she would call him an idiot, then kiss him, and it would be the best part of his life.
And he would spend the rest of that life with her.
But he had fucked that up. One drunken decision had fucked it up completely, and there was a good possibility she would never want to speak to him again.
But she wants to talk to you, that tiny voice in his head reminded him. And she never says something she doesn't mean.
There was that.
But what did she want to talk about?
Ruhn wasn't sure how long he sat there, going over things again and again until his head was spinning.
Eventually he decided fuck it and went downstairs. He wasn't going to be a little bitch about this. It would be better once it was over and done with.
Even if he wasn't ready to lose her, even if he never would be, he would respect that choice if she made it.
But when he got downstairs, he didn't find her sitting on the couch watching Dec and Flynn play on their Xbox like he thought he would. In fact, he didn't find her anywhere.
"Where is she?"
Flynn glanced back quickly at him, then cursed as Dec killed his character in one move. "She didn't come back with me."
Ruhn blinked once. "What?"
He shrugged. "She didn't want to, said she was waiting for you to decide what you wanted and couldn't stay in the house while you did."
His heartbeat picked up slightly, a foreign nervousness settling in his chest. "Why would you leave her alone?"
Dec paused the game and met his gaze. "Because she's fully capable of taking care of herself."
It was irrational. He was being completely irrational. But he worried that because she was so distracted, she wouldn't be as vigilant. Something could happen to her.
"Where did you leave her?"
Flynn glanced over at Dec before answering. "Near the old square. Said she wanted coffee."
Ruhn rolled his lips inward. He knew exactly where she would go for coffee.
Without saying another word to them, Ruhn ducked into the kitchen and downed a couple painkillers for his headache, snatched his keys off the coffee table and a jacket off the back of the house — he was pretty sure it was Flynn's — then left the house. He was in his car seconds later, driving purely on autopilot.
What would he say to her?
He would let her talk first, he knew that much. She deserved the chance to talk before he added more to her plate. And he knew he would respect whatever decision she made, even if it broke him.
It felt like both hours and minutes later that he was parking on the side of the street outside her go-to coffee shop. As he put the car in park and glance out the windshield, he saw her sitting at one of the outdoor tables and it struck him how pretty she looked.
Staring down at the disposable coffee cup on the table as she warmed her hands on it, her hair shifting in the gentle breeze. She was dressed the way she usually was; a long skirt that reached her ankles paired with a nice blouse, a long tan pea coat pulled over top to shield her from the wind.
Beautiful.
But more importantly, safe.
Ruhn would deny the fact that his hands trembled as he got out of the car. After locking it and pocketing his keys, he stepped up onto the sidewalk and slowly made his way toward her, only stopping when his figure blocked the sun from her.
At that she looked up with soft, empty eyes and just like every time he had seen her for the past thirty some-odd years, he was a goner. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his own jacket and offered her a smile that felt morel like a grimace. "Hey," he breathed.
(Y/N) smiled faintly at him. "Hey," she murmured back. After a moment of silence, she gestured for him to take a seat across from her and he did. "I honestly thought you'd decided to pretend you never said anything," she said softly, allowing her gaze to fall back down to her cup.
Ruhn took in a shaky breath, anxiety building in his chest. But he forced himself to speak. "I don't think I could do that," he admitted quietly.
She glanced up quickly before looking back down. "I don't think I could either."
His heart lurched at that. What did that mean?
After exhaling a long breath, (Y/N) shifted so she was sitting up straighter, staring right at him. Ruhn found it difficult to hold her gaze, but he forced himself to. "Did you mean what you said last night?" She asked quietly. "When you said you wanted me to look to you as a partner?"
He didn't need to think about it. "Yes."
"You weren't just saying it as a stupid drunk thing?"
"No."
She inhaled sharply. "Okay, so um . . . I need you to be honest; what do you feel for me exactly?"
Fucking fuckity fuck.
His mouth felt dry. "I--" Ruhn drew in a shaky breath and forced himself to speak. "I love you, (Y/N)," he told her honestly, and a weight he hadn't realized was there lifted from his shoulders. "I love you, and I have for a really long time. I haven't -- I didn't say anything, I didn't want to, because having you in my life is important to me, I don't care how you in it and I'd rather keep you as a friend than lose you as a lover."
The words came out rushed, but by the time he was done he still felt out of breath.
(Y/N) was silent for a long moment, those god damn eyes staring over at him with hesitation so intense he just wanted to pull her into him and keep her there. "Okay," she whispered, biting down on her bottom lip as she disappeared into her mind in thought. It was silent for a couple minutes as she contemplated what he had said.
It was the longest two minutes of his life.
"I think--" she said finally, still avoiding his gaze. "I'm sorry, this is all just . . . a lot."
Ruhn winced. "I know, and I'm sorry you found out the way you did."
She shook her head. "I'm sorry you had to give up your secret."
All he could do was shrug. "It was bound to come out some time. I've kept it long enough. To be honest with you, I think Dec and Flynn were ready to tell you pretty soon if I didn't."
(Y/N) snickered quietly and took a sip of her coffee, pondering. "How long?"
He knew exactly what she meant. How long have you felt this way? "Thirty years," he whispered, looking down at the table.
When he finally looked back up, he found her staring at him, her eyes full of an emotion he couldn't place. "Ruhn," she said softly, and then moved one of her hands to the middle of the table while the other kept its grip on her cup.
Without giving it much thought, he set both his hands on the table and took hers in his grasp. Though he was a little cold, the warmth that spread thorough his body was better than anything a hot drink could bring him.
"I didn't want you to hate me," he whispered, staring down at their hands. He would stay here forever if he could.
(Y/N) let go of her coffee and set her hand on top of theirs. "It would take a lot to make me hate you," she told him, and he could hear the honesty in her voice.
He hoped that was true.
"Um," she said quietly, looking down at her coffee cup again. "The reason I wanted to talk about this is, uh, I 've been feeling . . . something for you for a little while now, I don't know what because I never really let myself consider anything coming of it, but I'm thinking--" she inhaled sharply "--I think I would be okay with seeing what that is."
Ruhn blinked. This wasn't real. It had to be a dream. He was dreaming.
There was no way he was hearing her correctly.
Discretely he pinched himself. It was real. His heartbeat quickened as he stared at her, a small smile blooming on his face. "You want to give it a shot. With me."
(Y/N)'s cheeks flushed pink, darkening the already wind-chilled colour present. "Yes," she said quietly, still avoiding his gaze.
It took everything in him not to yank her out of her chair and spin her around out of sheer joy. She was willing to try with him. Ruhn didn't care that she had no idea what she felt for him, and part of his was saddened to know she hadn't thought he would ever consider her this way because how could he not? All he knew was that he had a chance.
One chance, and he had no intention of squandering it. He would take things slowly, maybe start off with taking her to dinner and maybe a movie. He would do it right.
Fighting away the widest grin he'd ever smiled, Ruhn nodded repeatedly. "Okay, okay. Um, I guess I should probably ask you out for dinner then."
A smile twitched at her lips. "Only if you want to."
He couldn't help but snort. "Is that even a question after last night?"
(Y/N) seemed to be fighting a smile as well. "It kinda is, I'm not sure if you remember what you said last night but you told me you wanted me to look for you, not that you wanted me."
Little shit.
Ruhn rolled his eyes. "I've wanted you for thirty years, (Y/N)."
Her cheeks darkened further, and he promised himself that he would make it happen again because he now knew he loved making her blush. More than anything else in the world, he loved that he was capable of it.
He pressed his lips together, biting back a grin. "So we're going to give it a shot, then?"
(Y/N)'s eyes sparkled as she looked at him. "Yeah, we might as well."