i feel like this is gonna sound "fake trans" of me, but i will admit a part of the reason i identify as nonbinary (as an afab person) is because i know ill never be dainty or cute or pretty enough to be a "real woman".
i feel this huge disconnect with anyone or anything feminine, because it seems like something not meant for me. if i wear makeup and girly clothes it feels like a costume at best, or at worst some sort of pollution and perversion of womanhood, and enjoying cutesy feminine media/interests feels foolish and gauche.
the truth is i do really love feminine things, and i wish they felt "right" when i did them. i dont know if its only because im nonbinary, or from being autistic and feeling "othered" all my life, or just from growing up mid/plus sized and unattractive? i just wish i could enjoy my makeup and cute clothes without feeling like a sinister imitation of something beautiful.
