When it comes to decisions...
I've realized lately the reason behind my indecisiveness. Growing up, I was always to be seen and not heard. I never really had a say or choice in my life. I was always told what to do and when to do it. I know I'm not the only one with this kind of upbringing. So now as an adult, I'm having a difficult time making decisions for my best interest. I don't know how. I don't want to disappoint anyone. I don't know how to go with my gut instinct because I've always been told I was wrong or there was a better way or option. It didn't help that in my past relationships when my partner would ask me something simple like what I wanted to eat and I would tell them and then they would disregard it and come up with a "better" choice. If they were going to do that then why the hell would you even ask me what I wanted in the first place? One time I actually asked them and they didn't know what to say. But really? If you're not going to listen or already have a decision then why ask someone what they want if you're going to decide something different or not even take them into consideration? Might as well just tell them "hey let's go do this or eat that." It's way better than making the other person feel like their choice doesn't even matter. Maybe I'm one of the few people who think like this?
Now as an adult I'm still learning how to be independent and have confidence in my own choices without having to get validation from anyone. Without being told what to do. I feel so lost and confused because I don't know what to do. It's quite stupid actually and I'm more frustrated with myself more than anyone for not being able to decide what it is that I WANT! I want to do it all but have to decide. So how do I know what is best for me? How do I know it's the right choice? How do I know I'm making this decision for me and no one else? Why can't I have a selfish bone in my body? It would make this just a smudge easier.
I know I have to stop being so hard on myself and take it slow. Not to rush anything but it's so damn hard to undo years of this crap. So here I am. Typing away in the hopes that writing this down will help me get closer to figuring out what to do. I'm waiting for that moment of clarity, that Ah-Ha moment, for that lightbulb to light up.
If you're reading this and if any part resonates with you... know you're not alone. I'm here too. Struggling every damn day attempting to be present and not be so stuck in my head. Overthinking and making up stupid scenarios in my head because I have this blessing and a curse of seeing all perspectives of a situation or at least I try to. So how do you know? I don't know but I really wish I did. They say you already know the answer... it's inside of you. That answer is really good at hide and seek because I still haven't found that sucker.