Bubbling Thoughts

[bubblingthoughts]

Little Anxious Thoughts.

I'm currently seeing someone and I say 'seeing' because I wasn't able to really get an answer to exactly what it is that we are doing or are. Me being guarded and afraid, of losing this connection I instantly felt when we kissed, convinced myself that this was okay. In reality, it's not. Let me explain exactly the reason why:

I've been trying so hard to let them in, be open, and be vulnerable that I lost track of where I was before they entered my life. I put myself in a box in a way because I didn't want to be too much and have them leave. Why? Because they said they were figuring things out and I thought great because I was and am doing the same.

One night, I had an emotional breakdown. Keep in mind I was on my period, extremely overwhelmed and stressed from work but also had consumed some alcohol. Worst combination ever. I was in such a high emotional state that I don't remember all the things I said. The next day I felt horrible. I was embarrassed. I wasn't sure how I would face them and my friend who was also with us that night. I for sure thought, well this is it. So much for trying to make this work or see if it goes anywhere. I was so determined to not make the same mistakes I had done in past relationships or situations like this. To my surprise, they stayed. I had never had that happen before. I thought well great. If they're willing to still stick around after that then it's worth pursuing. They've seen me at my best and clearly now have experienced me at my worst and for the first time I felt seen and understood in a way. If they had left or whatever then why would I want to continue this if that is all it takes to have them walk away?

We met up a few days after. I wanted to apologize and I honestly thought this would probably be the last time I would see them. We had a long conversation after dinner and I was prepared to just leave it all there because I wanted to stop this before it went any further. Like what was the point? I thought. If they don't want what I want and they can't communicate whether or not they have any feelings for me or even let me know how they feel. Why should I continue this? So I drove home. On my way, I kept thinking... am I really going to throw this connection away because of that? Did I really feel like that or was it because I was so afraid of being hurt that I was pushing them away? Was I just making myself believe these thoughts in my head as self sabotage? They haven't really done anything but be there, listen, and be kind.

So thought to myself, I'm going to keep pursuing this because my gut was telling me to because of that feeling, that connection, I never experienced before. I knew it wasn't going to be easy because I already had developed so many feelings for them. I didn't want to pressure them into being in a relationship, not that I wanted to be labeled right away or be in one. I honestly just wanted to date and get to know them more and eventually see if we would want more or not out of this or not. I knew they had said they were figuring things out and that they didn't want a relationship but why did their words not match their actions? So when I got home, I texted them that if they were okay with it then I was okay with continuing things how they were because I was tired of running away because I didn't want to be hurt causing me to never give people a chance. I had done that in the past when I started getting feelings for someone and I promised myself the next time I felt like this again I would not let it go. This feeling they gave me was one I had never felt before and it scared me to my core.

Fast forward to now. The communication between us has recently become less. We don't talk as much over texts. Our conversations are not like they used to be and here I go again with my anxious thoughts trying to figure out why? Is it because now they're busier than they were before? No, because even when you're busy you still make time to communicate with someone if you care about them in that way. I know because I'm busy as hell but still find time to text the people I care about back. I still find the time to text them good morning and how's your day so far? Why? Because I care and want to know how they are doing. I definitely feel like I'm not receiving as much as I'm giving and honestly I don't know if I'm giving enough or in a way they feel like I am. To me, I'm being open and trying my darnedest to let them in and be vulnerable. You see, I've never been good at expressing my feeling because I've been so afraid of showing my true self because when I have I've been rejected and that hurts. Stupid I know but that's where my mind goes. If they're going to reject me then they aren't the right person right? You would think I would think like that and I do... sometimes but I can't help to bring it back and put blame on myself. Like I should cater to their feelings but what about mine? Who cares about me and how I feel and what I want and what I need?

The answer should be me. So here I am with our conversation from today and thinking about the one we had on Sunday. 'I'm not ignoring you I was just busy all day playing 3 rounds." I said okay because I understand but now my mind goes back to that day when I joined them and they clearly had reception and were texting people back, so why is it that you didn't text me back until after 7 hours later? am I less important to you because it's sure making me feel like that! Like I'm not a good enough friend for them to care enough to text me back that they're out playing and busy? Would this be the same if their other friends both male and female and a friend (whom they had past relationships with that are now platonic) were to text them would they text them back right away or at a decent time or also wait until they were done playing to reply? Instead, I said "no worries. I figured you were out there and that's why I waited to text you again later because I didn't want to bother you."

So here I am, thinking and blaming their behavior on my anxious thoughts, thinking I'm the problem. That I'm overthinking it. Now I see that it’s not just me but it’s them too and the lack of communication. I don’t know them well enough to how they communicate or when they need space or when something is too much. Today, I get a text ' I've realized I've been bad at replying. I apologize, I get busy and forget.' There I go again and at this point, I really do understand because I do it all the time. Then hours go by and no text. Okay, they must be busy they clearly said they were. I text them later just to see how their day was going and nothing. Now here I am thinking are they okay? are they going through something like they have before where they didn't want to talk to anyone for days. I get it. I get like that too but what if it wasn't me texting? what if it was another person? would they still not answer? My gut is telling me no, they would most likely reply to them because that is how it feels.

I don't know what else I need to see, to see that I'm not important to them. That they're pushing me away and I'm still here trying because I keep thinking it's just me and my anxious thoughts. No, it's not all my anxious thoughts. I'm learning to tell them apart. This is not it. I deserve more. I am worth more. I deserve the respect of simple common. Just a little communication goes a long way but I'm clearly not worth that or important enough to receive that. They're showing me that clear as day for a while and I'm still holding on to the moments we have had where it felt so nice and we felt so connected just talking and spending time together. Now I'm thinking was it just me feeling that? Who knows what they thought? Maybe they were thinking of someone else? Wishing it was them but instead they have me? Also, why is it that they can't be affectionate or express interest in me unless they've had a few to drink? I understand they're shy. I am too and have used alcohol to loosen up and not be so shy but I also make an effort to push myself to be more affectionate and show interest when I'm sober.

Loneliness can do that to you. I know, I've been there but this time for me it wasn't that. I wasn't lonely when I reconnected with them. I was happy being on my own and enjoying my life and working on myself. They came into my life again after years one day and turned it upside down. Maybe it's the universe's way of testing me? Telling me to walk away. To know my worth that I guess I forgot I had and in the process just lost touch with myself. I'm done feeling confused. Everyone told me not to continue seeing them. Okay, not everyone but a few people did. I defended them and said no, they're different. They're going through stuff too and we're both figuring our shit out together. Supporting each other in a way.

My friend just told me that that night I had that emotional breakdown, that they told them that I was being extra for crying & being emotional. When they told me that it hurt. It hurt me deeply because that is the exact reason I don't let people in and let them see me so vulnerable because I would be too much or acting extra in this case. When in reality, I just have a lot of hurt/anger inside that I'm working through. I'm learning how to be okay with feeling my feelings without repressing them so long that I break down like I do or in that way. I want and need someone who understands that and is okay with just being there supporting me and just say “hey it’s gonna be okay”. I can do the rest on my own. I don’t need my hand held or things done for me. I'm not being a lot and I'm just being human and it's okay. I honestly thought that is what they were doing that night for me. Until my friend told me they said that. God did that hurt and made me look at everything differently. I'm pretty darn strong and independent and the reason why is that it's things like these words that have made me like this.

I'm hurt, I'm sad and upset. I'm more upset with myself, more than anything. I for not seeing this sooner. For allowing myself to forget my worth and what I have to offer. I'm a loving, supportive, loyal, and good person. Sure I have flaws but who doesn't? I acknowledge them and work hard not to fix them but to improve. I try hard everyday to communicate the best I can in a mature, respectful and understanding manner. I want to be the best version of myself and I hope to find someone who sees that as I do.

They once told me they didn't want to lead me on and try and have it not work and end up hurting me. That's exactly what happened. I should have listened to them. I didn't though. Instead, I poured myself into it as much as I could because I promised myself I would not run away like I have in the past. Otherwise how do we learn from our past mistakes. Those words they spoke did not match any of their actions. I want to believe they wanted it too. That they felt the same connection I did. That they saw how compatible. we were. That they were just too afraid or had things they need to let go of that kept them from moving forward.

"The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman's love with no intention of loving her." - Bob Marley. This is how it feels. This is how I feel at this moment. Heartbroken. I'll be okay. I have more work/healing ahead of me to stop attracting emotionally unavailable men. I want to believe that they are not a coward. That they didn't intentionally do this. That in a way they also tried.

I'm sad this didn't work out but I'll learn to be okay with it because I put myself out there. I didn't run away. I felt something beautiful and I gave it my best shot. I hope they find peace in their heart. That they don't continue to carry all that heaviness. I hope that next time they encounter something that could be something great, that can be something beautiful, that they are healed enough to hold on tight and never let go.

[bubblingthoughts]

The feeling of despair.

I'm trying so hard to just trust the process. Trust that it'll all work out. Today I let it get to me. I don't know why I do this to myself but I went down that rabbithole of emotional despair. I hate that I feel so much and so deep. I can't stop the tears from rolling down my face and the sadness spread through out my being. Is this what love feels like? why does it hit you like a ton of bricks? Why does it take your breath away? Why does it make you lose all control?

If this is love. I'd much rather not feel any of it at all. Let me move on with my life and continue to be blissfully ignorant to this feeling of love. Help me not care. Let me not invest myself so deeply that it rips my heart apart when it ends. Let me just be. I can tolerate the sadness but damn this love. It gives you the highest of the high and brings you to the lowest of the low. The only good thing about being down there is knowing that eventually you'll make it back to the in between.

The only thing is waiting for that moment when you're free. Free from all the hurt. Free from all the thoughts. Free from all the uncontrollable emotions. Just free to breathe again.

But for now, there is not much I can do but continue to tread the waves of emotional despair.

[bubblingthoughts]

Love. Shadows. Enlightenment.

What it's like to move on while still loving someone with all your heart. It's like going through a wind whirl of emotions and finally coming to a stop where all there is left is just this peaceful feeling. It's like when you think of them you don't feel that ache deep inside. Instead, you feel this deep love and appreciation for that person. Appreciating every memory you created together because each moment taught you something and helped you grow to where you are now.

So today I woke up very early and did something way out of character for me. I actually got up and out of bed once I woke up... I mean not right away, it took me a few minutes but I did it. I didn't realize it then but right now as I'm reflecting on that moment, I've realized it's the new version of me. It's what I've worked so hard for. To be that person who wakes up early and goes about their day and is just living their life for the sake of living and not going through the motions like I was before. I'm filled with so much clarity it's kind of unreal. I'm living what I didn't realize I was always manifesting. Today, was the first day that I actually felt like I didn't waste my day away by not doing anything.

It's hard though. When you're in that mindset you're already so low that realizing you're just wasting your days being stuck in that funk really adds to the depression. That's where I was, in this limbo of depression and a functioning autopilot where it was just enough to get me through the week and gave me just enough energy to socialize before I retreated to being stuck in my head.

Today after I got ready. I went and got myself coffee and took a walk at one of my favorite beaches. The whole time I was thinking of them. This time it was different. The love for them is still there but I'm not dwelling on the pain. I've let that pain go and only kept what made me happy and that was love. When I think of them, I don't feel sad anymore. Where that sadness and pain used to live there's a peaceful feeling. It's like when you have a headache and then finally the Advil kicks in and you feel so great. You still remember it but you don't feel it. That's where the beauty lies. That's what it's like to love someone while you're moving on. That's what I felt today while I walked on the beach admiring its beauty. It was low tide. It's my favorite because you can see a glimpse of what the ocean hides deep inside and it's so beautiful.

Right before I started writing I wasn't sure what I was going to write about, so I shuffled my music and the song 'Word's I Couldn't Say' by Leighton Meester. All of a sudden I knew this is what I need to write. I don't know why but it felt right. If I were to have listened to this song a few months ago, I probably would have started to cry because it would remind me of them and the pain I felt. Today, it hit me differently. I actually felt the words at a deeper level. I felt it with the feeling of love I'm carrying inside for them with acceptance of letting things be what they are and not living it what it could have been or could be. I felt every word because it's exactly what I am feeling right now. So "what do I do now that you're gone?/ no backup plan/no second chance/ no one else to blame"

You move on because you realized where you also went wrong and realize you could have found a way to say what you really felt but you were so afraid of being vulnerable that you choked and now you're dealing with the outcome. So we learn not to repeat that lesson because it was a painful lesson to be learned. Why? because sometimes the lesson is more painful than the rejection you could have felt instead. With a rejection that is it, there is no more, but with a lesson, you don't always get that closure. It's like when the author leaves an open-ended ending to a story and it drives you crazy not knowing how it would have ended. So I leave it at 'if it's meant to be it'll be". If a connection that deep, that once scared me away, were to present itself a second time in my life I won't let it go. Our love never really grew, we didn't leave it in a bad way, we just let it fizzle and ran away from what we really felt because we hadn't before. Real love is a funny thing. I always asked for it and then when I think had it I didn't realize it and ran from it. All I can say is that the next time I feel that again I'm running straight toward it and not letting go.

[bubblingthoughts]

Daydreaming- This is how I love

If you were to ask me why I loved you? I’d reply with the following:

I love you for who you are as a person. You have a contagious personality and a sense of humor. It's magnetic. You have a way of instantly drawing people to you. I know part of you loves it but another part of you doesn't. It's that part of you that doesn't love you. The one that thinks you're not good enough and you feel like you deserve less. Like how can something this great be for me? How can someone this kind and caring want to be with me? I know it's true because I know you. Because I have thought those thoughts myself, once before.

So yes, let me continue to tell you why I love you. I love that you have the ability to irritate the hell out of someone and get under their skin but it goes away as quickly as it comes that you don't have a moment to stay upset and end up smiling. We can't help but forgive you because you're so darn charming. Even when you're grumpy. I find it to be the cutest thing in the world. I love how excited you get when you talk about the things you're passionate about. I always know I can count on you.

I wish you could see yourself how I see you. All of you! Then maybe you would understand why I love you so much. The things you may hate about yourself are probably the things I admire and adore the most about you.

I love you so much but I also love myself. I love you so much that I know what you need right now is space. I know because I've needed my space too. I wish you could believe in the confidence you project but don't see yourself capable of having. I wish I could do something to help you get through this but I know I can't.

You have to learn to see yourself how I and others see you. For all of you. All the greatness that is you.

This is why I love you because although you may not think it's true or that you're worthy of my love. You are, my love! Because I admire your strength and I know right now you may not think it'll be okay but it will and I hope you see it soon.

In the meantime, I have to do what is best for me. My love for you is not one you get over soon. It's the one you carry with you while you grow and heal.

[bubblingthoughts]

When it comes to decisions...

I've realized lately the reason behind my indecisiveness. Growing up, I was always to be seen and not heard. I never really had a say or choice in my life. I was always told what to do and when to do it. I know I'm not the only one with this kind of upbringing. So now as an adult, I'm having a difficult time making decisions for my best interest. I don't know how. I don't want to disappoint anyone. I don't know how to go with my gut instinct because I've always been told I was wrong or there was a better way or option. It didn't help that in my past relationships when my partner would ask me something simple like what I wanted to eat and I would tell them and then they would disregard it and come up with a "better" choice. If they were going to do that then why the hell would you even ask me what I wanted in the first place? One time I actually asked them and they didn't know what to say. But really? If you're not going to listen or already have a decision then why ask someone what they want if you're going to decide something different or not even take them into consideration? Might as well just tell them "hey let's go do this or eat that." It's way better than making the other person feel like their choice doesn't even matter. Maybe I'm one of the few people who think like this?

Now as an adult I'm still learning how to be independent and have confidence in my own choices without having to get validation from anyone. Without being told what to do. I feel so lost and confused because I don't know what to do. It's quite stupid actually and I'm more frustrated with myself more than anyone for not being able to decide what it is that I WANT! I want to do it all but have to decide. So how do I know what is best for me? How do I know it's the right choice? How do I know I'm making this decision for me and no one else? Why can't I have a selfish bone in my body? It would make this just a smudge easier.

I know I have to stop being so hard on myself and take it slow. Not to rush anything but it's so damn hard to undo years of this crap. So here I am. Typing away in the hopes that writing this down will help me get closer to figuring out what to do. I'm waiting for that moment of clarity, that Ah-Ha moment, for that lightbulb to light up.

If you're reading this and if any part resonates with you... know you're not alone. I'm here too. Struggling every damn day attempting to be present and not be so stuck in my head. Overthinking and making up stupid scenarios in my head because I have this blessing and a curse of seeing all perspectives of a situation or at least I try to. So how do you know? I don't know but I really wish I did. They say you already know the answer... it's inside of you. That answer is really good at hide and seek because I still haven't found that sucker.