I don't know how to be me anymore
Pairing : platonic!Buckyxgn!reader
Summary : Bucky's always felt different. When he finally starts being ready to figure out what it means, he turns to you to try and find out where to go from here.
Warnings : Nb!Buckyxnb!reader, tiny bit of angst, comfort, fluff, dragcreature!reader, Buck trying to figure out who he is
Word count : 2,494
A/N : Hi guys, I finally decided to post my second fic! I tried to write something as wholesome as possible. Hopefully some of you will find some comfort reading this.
English is not my first language. Don't hesitate to tell me if something is incorrect.
Bucky opened the door abruptly. His hair was a mess, as if he had been running his hands through them for a while. You could see he was nervous.
He had been cryptic in his text asking you to come over. You weren't sure what it was about but seeing his trembling hands, you knew it had to be important. You looked at him with a smile, trying to ease his nerves.
'Can I come in?'
He then registered the fact that you had been standing in his doorway waiting for him to move his body out of the way. He look at you sheepishly.
'Sorry. Please do come in. I'll get you some water. Are you hungry? I should have made us something to eat. I can heat up some leftov-'
'A glass of water is perfect. And I just ate before coming, thank you though'. You stopped his rambling, a reassuring look on your face.
He went to the kitchen to fill up two glasses with water.
'So, what did you want to talk to me about?'
He looked at you surprised. 'How do you know I wanted to talk to you about something?'
You smiled. 'Well I guess I know you that well. Or maybe I'm clairvoyant. Also, you might have sent me a text saying are you free, I need to talk to you about something.
'Oh, right' He chuckled a bit, his hand finding its way behing his neck, a slight blush colouring his cheeks.
You could see how hard this was for him, his hands fiddling with the hem of his shirt, he eyes looking everywhere and nowhere all at once.
'Hey, whatever it is, it's me you're talking to. I understand you're nervous but I’m here to listen. I'm not here to judge or give you unsollicited advice. I'm your friend, and I here, always. You can count on me.'
A small smile found its way on his face. He figured he might as well dive into it, no point in delaying it.
He had known he needed someone to talk to about this. Not just someone, you. And he felt ready. No matter how hard it was to actually say the words out loud, he wanted to.
He sat down on the sofa gesturing for you to do the same. He took a big breath, and started talking.
'Do you remember when you dressed me up and did my makeup for your show?'
A few weeks back, during one of your shows as a dragcreature, the public had to come wearing at least one item a drag queen/king/person/creature. Bucky had wanted to go all out. He always loved coming to your shows and was hell bent on being the fiercest in the audience.
You nodded. He had been praised by all your fellow drag performers, having shown up looking like a dark priestess, slaying makeup, hair, outfit and demeanor.
'I felt something as you were doing my makeup. I felt powerful and amazing when I looked at myelf in the mirror'
'I know. I saw how you face lit up. And I noticed how you kept staring at your makeup in the rear view mirror.'
Bucky blushed looking down.
'Don't be embarassed, I do it too.'
Bucky took a breath, you could see he had started to relax a bit. What he said next showed you he felt safe enough to open up.
'Back in the army, with the howling commandos, we went out for a drink one night.
We were exhausted, both physically and emotionally and it felt good to take a break. To not be soldiers but a group of people, having a drink, not thinking about the war raging around us.
Steve was having a hard time relaxing. He didn't know how to put the shield down, not even for one night. So the guys and I, we decided to go do a little private show for him.
We went to the dancers' tent and tried their USO costumes on. The amosphere was light, we were having fun being silly together.'
He took a pause. Looked down, his hands trembling harder.
'When I put on the costume, I felt that thing. The same thing I felt when you dressed me up. I felt b... I felt beautiful. It felt right.
And I had the biggest smile on my face. I twirled, I danced, I laughed. I felt like there was nothing that could take that feeling away.
Steve noticed. Of course he did. He knew me better than anyone. He didn't say anything though. Well, not with words anyway.'
A small, nostalgic smile crept up on his face.
'He stole one of the USO uniforms, the one I had on that night and gifted it to me. He said it was to remember that night by, but we both knew there was actually a way deeper meaning to it.'
Bucky looked at you, for the first time since he started talking.
'Did you know they kept it? It was in the museum along with the howling commandos' stuff from the war.'
You knew his question was rhetorical so you just nodded, urging him to keep going.
'While I was recovering in Wakanda, Steve visited me often. Well, he said he came for me but we all knew it was the goats really.' he joked.
The atmosphere felt lighter. Like the more he talked about this, the less scary it became.
You knew the weight of what he was telling you and it moved you to know you were the one he felt safe to talk about that with.
He kept going.
'After Okoye helped get rid of he trigger words, he came to celebrate. We spent the night drinking, laughing, remeniscing about our childhood.
He told me of his life since he'd been in this time. What he had learned, how he tried to build a life for himself here without really ever succeding. How he missed our world.
He felt that Captain America was all he was anymore. Steve Rogers had died that night on the plane and he never managed to get past that. He never really tried to give himself a new life here.
He was stuck in this time. I'm so happy that he got his chance to go back. To live the life he was always supposed to live.'
You could see how much he missed his best friend. He had talked to you about that before. The first time the two of you had talked was actually after Steve had gone. You were both overtook with emotion, sad to see a friend go and happy that he finally had a chance at happiness.
'We both knew I wouldn't want to but he did ask me if I wanted to go back with him. But I knew I didn't belong there anymore.
I don’t belong anywhere anymore... But I could and I want to.
'The night before he left, he came to me with a gift. It was that very same costume from all those decades ago. He had stolen it from the museum a few years back.
He told me that night when we dressed up was one of his fondest memories. One he held close to his heart. Because he understood that I had found a part of myself that night.'
A tear made its way down his cheek. His voice starting to get uneven.
'We never really talked about what I felt, what it meant, what I wanted. I think we didn't know how to. But he did tell me something that stuck with me.'
'He said that now, it was my responsibility to bring back the Bucky I was. Or to discover the Bucky I am. Maybe a bit of both.
This time suited me better than it ever did him. And here, I could actually have a chance to figure out who I wanted to be. Who I had been all this time without knowing, without having the luxury to be.
'I'm so grateful for that night. And I'm so grateful I got to meet the Steve you knew, even for a little bit.'
You looked at each other and smiled. Steve was the reason you two had met. Even gone, he had found a way to make both your lives less lonely.
More confidently now, he kept going.
'I made him a promise that night. To learn to never let anybody define or decide who I am. To learn that only I had the power to do that.'
A tear escaped you.
'That's beautiful Bucky. And really brave too.
I'm glad you had those moments. Even if they were few and far between.'
Bucky smiled. He took a moment to think back. He was grateful to have been able to experience those tiny little moments where he felt whole. But he wanted more.
He looked at you expectedly.
'I asked you here because I need your help. I'm trying to figure out who I am. How to be the person I want to be now. How to be a person now. I know what I want to learn but I don't know where to start or what to ask.
Or who to talk to, exept you. I trust you, I have since the moment I met you. And you have taught me so much already. I'm asking you to teach me more. To support me and guide me through this journey.’
You smiled and took his hands in yours.
'You are so brave. And you should be so so proud of yourself. I know I am.
This is a potentially difficult and terrifying journey but oh how beautiful a journey it is. It won't always be easy, but no matter what you find out about yourself, it is worth it. Believe me.
We've talked about what the gender spectrum is and how it can express itself. How it's vast and both very simple and quite overwhelming. And how you don't have to know where you find yourself in it.
And the way you're feeling today, how you would define yourself today doesn't have to be the same as the way you feel tomorrow.
That's part of the beauty of gender.'
'Was it hard for you? Did you always know?'
'It was hard. Very hard at times. But it was also so easy. I didn't know, not for the longest time.
It came slowly at first. When I would read about transgender people, non-binary or otherwise, sharing their story, I would understand. I would relate even.
After a while, I allowed myself to realise that if I felt like I understood, like I knew where they came from then maybe it was where I belonged.
The more I thought about freeing myself from the binary, the lighter I felt. The closer to myself I felt.
I was lucky enough to have very supportive friends who were by my side as I naviguated all the questions and changes that came.
They never rushed me or asked me to know exactly who I was or to have any sort of answer. They understood that I was trying to figure out my identity. That I felt as lost as much as I felt found.
I can't tell you it will go well with everyone because unfortunately it won't. But I hope you know you can find that kind of support with me. I think you can find it with Sam too, if you want.’
He nodded. He might not be ready to talk about that with Sam yet, but he did know he could.
'The world has evolved, but there are still some people who don't want to accept it or who don't want to see it. And they can be so violent in their need for us not to exist.
And then there are people who will love you and accept without ever really understanding. Not because they don't want to. They just can't seem to, i guess?
My family is that way. When I came out to them, they asked questions. Tried to understand what it meant, how it felt like. And no matter how much they tried, they never really did understand.
You looked down.
'They are the only people who still use my deadname you know.
Some of them because they are having a hard time wrapping their heads around the idea that I'm not the person they saw me as. Some of them refusing to accept that I'm not actually the person they saw me as.'
'I'm sorry y/n. I know how much it hurts you.'
'Yes, it does hurt. When they use my deadname, when they don't use the right pronouns. When they invalidate me feeling bad when they do that.
But they still love me. Me being me has never changed the way they love me.
Of course I wish they would respect who I am. And I know my situation would not be acceptable for some people. And I get that I really do.
Having your parents still love you after you come out shouldn't be something to be grateful about. But for now, I guess having their love has to be enough for me.'
You took time to reflect. Thinking about how your family is handling your transition hurts, and it's hard to navigate not wanting to lose them while asking for them to respect who you are.
You tried to find the right words.
'My family is the one I made. The one I'm making, the one I'm choosing everyday. Composed of both relatives and the amazing people whom I love and want to share my life with.
And you are one of them you know. One of the people who sees me for who I am and loves me unconditionally.
And I love you and I see you.'
You were both crying. Not sad tears, maybe not happy tears either. But the tears you get from beeing seen. Truly seen. The tears you get from feeling the love someone has for you. The tears that make you feel like maybe you can learn to love yourself that way too.
He smiled.
'I love you and I see you.'
'I'll by your side, Buck. Through this journey and any other, always. I'll support you, I'll be there when you need a hug, a book, a sickening makeup, a person to cry with, a person to laugh with. When you need my wonderful vegan banana bread.'
He laughed. You loved hearing him laugh.
'I mean it. I'm here, for it all. I love you.'
He came closer and took you in his arms. Held you so tight. You stayed like that for a while, neither one of you ready to let go. He was crying. You could feel a wet spot growing on your shoulder. You didn't mind. He put his head in the crook of your neck and whispered
'I love you.'
Thank you for reading and remember you are loved ❤️
You can always come to me if you need someone to talk to. We have to be there for each other 🥰