An excerpt from Jinx & Ditto...
“I can’t believe we slept right through dinner!” Jinx says, adding some lox to a bagel and handing it to Ditto. “Here, have some. Finally you get to taste the awesomeness of smoked salmon the way God intended!”
He laughed, but took a bite. “Dang, dat’s good!” he exclaimed, trying to make her laugh.
The rest of breakfast passed quickly, with Jinx enjoying a cup of tea and Ditto having a red PowerAid along with their real bagels. “See, I told you that there’s no competition for fresh bagels!”
“You’re right, Jinx -- as usual.” He agreed, and of course that made her smile. Ditto bussed the table while Jinx went off to get dressed.
She emerged a few minutes later in one of her comfortable messy outfits: a pair of faded grey jeans and her favorite KISS T-shirt which had a couple of strategic rips and cuts in it. “I hope it’s OK if I keep things super casual today. I’m still a little winded from all the stuff we’ve been doing, but the massage helped a lot!” she remarked.
“Of course that’s OK, Jinx. You’d look good in everything. And if you want another massage later tonight… your wish is my command!” Ditto took her hand in his, and kissed it dramatically. She laughed with him, but felt a stirring within her body as well. She loved the feelings that he awakened in her.
The ride into town was quick, but the quiet country roads were filled with gorgeous scenery. “I wonder if I’ll get to see your neighbor’s sheep while I’m here.” She said.
“Maybe I can call and ask them later. Oh, hey… I never noticed this shop before, I think it must be new!” He pointed to a tiny shop on the corner of Main Street. “It looks like a New Age store or something. And my favorite thrift shop is just a few doors down, too.”
Seeing the mystical decorations in the window, along with books and candles, Jinx nodded. “Yep, I think you’re right. Wanna check it out? I’d love a new deck of Tarot cards. I can even give you a reading later if you are interested.”
Just as they were about to get out of the car, they heard the rumble of bass coming from a vehicle that was about to park next to them. “Oh, no,” he muttered under his breath. “That’s Blake and his friends. They’re jerks.”
“Really?” Jinx shook her head. “They just look like a bunch of annoying frat boys to me,” she replied, watching the three guys emerge from their gas-guzzling Hummer.
“Kind of. They’re just obnoxious jackasses who never grew up after college, basically they party all day and live off their rich parents. They’re harmless, but still can be really rude.”
“Well, come on,” Jinx said. “Let’s just ignore them.”
But it was hard to ignore them. As they leaned on their obnoxious car, smoking, they didn’t seem to be moving. “Looks like Jessie’s over in the bank cashing her check. What a skank!” one of them said.
“Was it one of her many child support checks? Or the welfare check she gets for fucking the town losers and popping out their inbred babies?” The guys laughed again.
“Yeah, and did you see her boyfriend? What a scum bag!”
“Boyfriend? You mean that slut’s only sleeping with one of them?”
All the guys cackled and high-fived each other, thinking they were so funny. It seemed like they were just talking and insulting everyone who passed by. Ditto thought they were in the clear, and silently passed the rude young men. He thought they would be spared, when he heard one of them speak up.
“Well boys, I guess the circus is in town!” one of them said.
“Yeah,” Blake responded, eyeing Ditto. “I don’t know what the hell this one is supposed to be.” He pointed at Jinx. “This one either. Is she the circus fat lady, or maybe she’s a clown? Kinda hard to tell with that hair.”
“Probably both,” joked the third guy. “What a couple of freaks!”
“You know, Blake…” Ditto glared at the guys. “I don’t really care if you pick on me, but you shouldn’t say those things in front of my friend. She’s a lady, and a guest in our town.”
“OOOOOOOOH!” Blake’s friends moaned in response, taunting him.
Blake glowered, pulling himself up to his full 6-feet-two stature. “Look here, you little weirdo. My dad runs this town, and I’ll do what I want. You gonna make me apologize?”
Ditto was a pretty big guy, but Blake was bigger and lots meaner -- plus, he had friends. But Ditto was still angry, and looked up angrily into Blake’s amused face. Jinx could see Ditto’s fists begin to curl up, ready to attack. He was a peaceful guy, so she knew that Blake’s comments must have really made him mad.
She grabbed his arm. “Come on, sweetheart. Don’t let those pricks upset you.” She looked right at them and practically spat the words in their face.
“Hahaha, looks like his girl has him whipped pretty good! I’d be scared too if my girlfriend’s ass was that big. One wrong turn and she’d sit on him as punishment!” One of the guys commented, and they all laughed as the two friends walked away from them.
“I’m sorry about that, Jinx. I wish I had just decked him.” Ditto seemed distraught.
Jinx shrugged. “Eh, I’ve been called worse things -- by better people, too,” she said with a small smile. Then, she added, “Plus, everyone knows I would only sit on you as a reward. Right?” It didn’t feel great to be insulted, but she cared more about spending time with her friends and enjoying life. It bothered her that Ditto was so upset, but he smiled at her joke and squeezed her hand affectionately. “Besides…” she said slowly. “I am getting the feeling that karma will get those assholes someday.”
The New Age store had better energy. It was calm and peaceful, with gentle Celtic music playing in the background. Jinx loved the fresh scent of the incense, and immediately asked the elderly woman at the counter for some to purchase. Ditto went looking through the mountains of books, and soon the two had forgotten all about the events that had happened before. They pored over the many tarot decks, candles and incense. Jinx found a great book on the Kabbalah, and they rang up all of the purchases.
“Have a wonderful day. Please, tell your friends about us!” called the shopkeeper.
“Thanks, we will!” Ditto nodded. Just as they were about to leave, Ditto then saw something through the window. “Um… Jinx… we’re about to have a problem. A big one!”
She looked at him quizzically, then at the window. Soon she knew. It was Sonny Joe and his gang, and they were headed right this way. “They probably wouldn’t come into a store like this,” she said.
But instead, what they did was worse. They sat down right at the bench in front of the store.
“Oh, those horrible boys!” the shopkeeper exclaimed. “They’re as bad as those other kids in the Hummer. Always picking on me and my family, calling us devil worshippers. I don’t know which group did it, but someone spray painted hateful things on our store windows when we opened last month.” She frowned. “If I had a back door, you’d be welcome to it. But unfortunately that’s it.” She pointed to the way they came.
“We’re trapped!” Ditto cried. “They’ll see us and get us for sure!”
Fortunately, Jinx had a plan. “Not necessarily.” She took off her glasses and the scarf she had been wearing, then wrapped her hair up in the scarf. “Can you see any purple?” she asked Ditto.
“No,” he responded. “What the hell?”
“Go stand by the window. Have your camera ready for action, but don’t take ANY pictures until I’m back inside. Got it?”
He nodded, still confused.
Jinx zipped up her coat, and hunched down, walking like an old lady. He couldn’t believe how different she looked. When she left the shop, he held his breath, terrified that Sonny and his friends would recognize her.
“... So I guess the bank teller is giving Jessie a hard time with her check this month,” one of the guys said. “Her ID expired. Figures!”
“Excuse me, my boy,” Jinx spoke in a warbly old-person voice, screwing up one side of her mouth to contort her face. “Do you know who owns this vehicle, here?” She pointed to the Hummer.
Sonny Joe shrugged. “Aw, yeah, Ma’am. That’s Blake Ashton’s car. Him and his rich fancy friends park illegally all the time.”
Jinx sighed. “Such a shame,” she said. “And they aren’t very nice boys. Why, just this morning I heard them say dreadful things about a young woman who’s at the bank now. I believe her name was Jessie?”
Sonny Joe looked up. “Wait… Jessie? That’s my girlfriend!”
Another one of his gang spoke. “And my ex-wife! Well… almost ex-wife, anyway.”
The third guy got angry. “She’s my cousin! But, umm, don’t believe anything else people have said about us!”
And the fourth guy was upset as well. “She’s well… just a friend, I swear that’s all we are to each other. Even if the baby does kinda look like me!”
“Oh, dear,” Jinx wrung her hands nervously. “They called her some terrible names! Very offensive… so vulgar! Some of it was even…. Sexual in nature!!” Jinx shook her head. “And I thought they said some things about the men she was with too. Horrible things, insulting their manhood, calling them scum bags and other terrible names. I think I even heard one of them say that ‘the leader’ was a Democrat! But don’t quote me on that.”
“WHAT?!?” Sonny Joe was visibly infuriated now. “I’m so sorry, Ma’am, that you had to hear such vulgarities. Thank you for telling us.”
Jinx limped away as the men turned toward each other, ignoring her. She then sneaked back into the shop to join Ditto and the shopkeeper.
“Oh, Jinx, they looked really angry. Did you call them rednecks again?”
Jinx smiled, taking her hair down from the scarf and unzipping her coat. “Nah,” she said. “Even worse than that, I’m afraid. Get your camera ready!”
Ditto watched incredulously as the troop of rednecks outside began to kick the Hummer. One of them grabbed a bat and began smashing windows. He snapped some great pictures of the chaos, but things got even better when a couple of the guys dropped their pants and began to urinate into the open windows.
Blake and his friends came back just as Sonny Joe’s gang began pulling up their pants. And soon, the fists were flying!
Jinx dialed a number on her phone. “Hello, police station? I’d like to report a riot on the corner of Main Street! There’s a ton of guys down here, breaking things and beating each other! I think I even saw one guy expose himself. They might have some serious weapons -- it may even be gang related! Please, come quick and arrest these men!”
She then hung up and joined Ditto in taking pictures. By now, the fists were flying, and some of the guys had gotten beat up pretty badly. Then, just as she’d described (but didn’t realize was true), Blake withdrew a gun from his jacket and began waving it around.
Jinx gasped. “It’s okay, Jinx,” Ditto said, hugging her. “I once overheard Blake tell his friends it’s only a replica, no bullets and can’t fire. He just uses it to scare people.”
Within moments, a fleet of police cars rushed to the corner, sirens blazing and angry cops all business, ready to capture the rioters. Some of them, especially Blake and Sonny Joe, began to resist, and were tazed by the police, rolling onto a street filled covered in sprays of blood, broken Hummer glass, and a few missed squirts of fresh piss.
The men were all taken away, and soon the streets were clear. “Wow!” Ditto couldn’t believe it. “I bet those guys are going to really going to get it now.”
“And, we have all the proof we need to get them in some serious trouble, too!” Jinx said, emailing her pics to the police. “They won’t mess with you for a long time. Or, you either, Ma’am.” Jinx nodded to the shopkeeper. “Thanks for letting us hide out here!”
“It looks like my protection spell worked, after all,” the woman said. “Thanks, Jinx and Ditto. Blessed be!”
“Blessed Be,” Ditto said back, with a knowing wink. He turned to Jinx. “Let’s go to the thrift shop now -- and then maybe a little lunch?”
“How about a big lunch after?” Jinx responded. “After all, we are going to Da Soul Kitchen. And you have to keep my ass nice and huge so that you have plenty to grab onto later!” She wiggled it naughtily.
“It’s a deal. You earned it!” Ditto giggled, squeezing it playfully and then putting his arm around her. “Let’s go see what’s at the thrift shop first!”
