#buffalo ranch

[let-us-taco-bout-it]

[veganfoodblog]

Cauliflower Buffalo Ranch Tacos with Celery Slaw

[tartarrsaucee]

Buffalo ranch, episode three: Investigation

Hollandaise stood behind the counter at his 9-5 boba shop, who thought anyone would work at one other than part time. As he glanced up, he sees his brother, looking agitated as some weirdo rabbit wearing a magician costume pestered him, before whining and turning to leave… weird huh? Soon his brother and some random guy entered, ordered, chatted a bit, and left. However, Hollandaise still couldn’t get his mind off of that weird rabbit! There was just something… off. Like, he just… emitted a certain energy that gave Hollandaise the creeps, even if just through a window… he wanted to know more, no, he NEEDED to know more! What if this mad man does something to his brother!? So, Hollandaise picks up his phone, and calls the only person he knows that can actually stalk people…is that even a good talent to have?

“Hey meringue, uh it’s me Hollandaise” Hollandaise said into his phone, before immediately getting cut off. “No s***, Holly I have EYES, I read your contact name.” (Yes, she puts either a “y” or “ie” for a nickname for everyone) “Okay, so this weird dude wearing like- a magician costume like- just heckled my brother. Uh, and I think he has rather negative intent-“ Meringue cut off Hollandaise with a snicker “ ‘rather negative’ wow how proper Monsieur Hollandaise-“ Hollandaise visibly grew annoyed. “Meringue can you not- not to be that one annoying dude at the back of your band class that doesn’t wear deodorant, but this is serious.” Meringue phased out her snickers, because she couldn’t take this seriously. “K, so Holly what is it you wanted to talk about?” Meringue asked, still slightly giggling.” “So like I said, Ranch got like- not sure, but white rabbit like- made him pissed while acting really cartoony.” “Yeah I might have seen one but like, not ringing any bells, you think I know everyone around here? Like I get a huge chunk of the city has a gambling problem but I don’t like- know any of them by name.” Hollandaise groaned in agitation. “Okay, well, I think we should like, check out this person… like, they don’t seem sane, and he clearly wants my brother for SOMETHING!” Meringue audibly looked at her phone in pure confusion. “I’ll be over soon, I have the rest of today off, but did you even check the security footage to see what he said?” Hollandaise breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks so much for coming over… and uh….. yeah our cameras don’t audio record.” Meringues end of the line became messy as she exited her house, hopping on her motorcycle. “I’ll see you in a few…..”

Meringue hopped off her motorcycle, walking into the boba store. “Alright twink, get on my motorcycle.” Hollandaise rolled his eyes and walked outside, hopping on her light pink ride. “You know I hate doing this.” Meringue chuckled. “Because you look straight? Or because you feel emasculated maybe? Or maybe you’re just a wimp.” Hollandaise nervously giggled slightly. “Um, the third one.” Meringues bike roared to life, and she took off. “WAIT MERINGUE WE HAVENT EVEN DISCUSSED WHAT WE’RE DOING WHY ARE WE LEAVING ALREADYYY” “I KNOW WHAT IM DOING HOLLANDAISE I HAVE A PLAN!” The wind whipped Hollandaises face “OKAY THEN WHATS YOUR PLAN?!” Hollandaise demanded. “I think there’s a theater, I’ve heard the person who owns it fits your description, so let’s watch one of his shows and see what he’s about, maybe see if we should investigate further.”

They arrived to what appeared to be a ticket booth, the building looked like one of those old fashioned movie theaters. A rather bored looking clerk ran the booth, looking at Meringue and Hollandaise with a dirty glare as they walked up. The clerk didn’t bother to even wait before she ran her mouth. “Yellow bear, you need to be 18 to enter.” She said, her voice rasping before she took a puff of her vape. Meringue took out 2 ID’s. “Ma’am, he’s of age.” Meringue said, handing the woman the ids. The clerk didn’t bother looking at them and just gave them the tickets. “Congrats, you’re our 10,000th ever customer, so you get two free tickets, these two, now scram so other less fortunate people can pay 100$ to see people fake die.” Meringue almost laughed as the clerk rambled on for no reason. As Hollandaise entered the theater, he leaned over to meringue. “Meringue, I’m 16, how the hell did you make a fake id for me and WHY!?” Hollandaise asked, whisper yelling as they trotted away from the entrance and to a concession stand. Meringue chuckled “I’ve always wanted you to go drinking with me at my work, so I made that fake id so you could, it’s actually my old i.d, but I did a bunch of stuff to make it look like you, I even used an older photo and a close expiration date so it’d be more convincing.” Hollandaise just blinked in surprise. “Sorry you thought I’d WANT TO GET DRUNK WHEN I HAVE SCHOOL!? AND A STRICT DAD!?” Meringue rolled her eyes and smirked. “Well like, I’d cut you off, i know when I would drink at your age, like, I’d be really annoying when drunk, so yeah. But I’m definitely getting you a margarita tonight.” Hollandaise raised his hands in a placating gesture. “Woah there, I’d rather not drink.” Meringue laughed before walking up to the concession counter. “Whatever you say pipsqueak”

Hollandaise and Meringue walked to their seats, armed with Popcorn and slushies. They sat down in the rather circus-like theater, like, it looked like a tent, oddly, there were brown and red stains all over the walls, almost like dried blood. As they waited for the show to begin, they took in the audience, most of the people there looked messed up, like almost like they were addicted to coming here.  Some of the people murmured as the lights started dimming. ‘I just love the actors here, they use different ones everytime, and everything’s so realistic.’ Meringue and Hollandaise found that odd. The lights turned on, the lights were old fashioned, a bright yellow-ish white illuminated the stage. Hollandaise got a good look at the stage, the same red stains littering the walls were etched into the stage. He watched as the white rabbit exited the backstage and entered the stage. He walked out with a pep, his eyes spreading out as he walked out. “Well? HELLO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! It’s your favorite host, Mayonnaise Hellmann! I see some familiar faces in the crowd, and some new ones! Well, who’s ready for today’s SHOW! Today we’ll have…a BLAST!” The crowd erupted in weird cheers, hoots and hollers filled the air as he smiled innocently. Meringue and Hollandaise looked at each other awkwardly, their food remaining untouched because of their unease.”Buttttttt-“ The rabbit said. “I think this show needs some balance, so, our first act will have a TIGHTROPE!” The lights divided, only one light remained on Mayo as the rest shifted to a closed curtain. Meringue felt Hollandaise suddenly grip her arm as the curtains opened, she went over and held his hand and squeezed it, she knew he had a habit of being a coward. The stage? Well, it had a man, green hair like a pepper, not wearing anything other than gloves, he was on a platform, ahead of him a small rope. Under him was a pit full of saws, the blades whirred menacingly as he trembled over them. Underneath the saws was a funnel, the funnel leading into an empty wine bottle. “Our first act features this daring man! Will he bravely traverse the rope, OR GET TURNED TO WINE!!!??” Mayo started bouncing around, waving his arms, clenching his fists and twirling his cane and he hopped around the stage before hopping off. From their far wall seat, they could see mayo calming himself down, before he smiles at the man, waves, and innocently pulls out a pistol, all while mouthing “I can make this a lot worse, just try!! The audience will love it!” The man gulped, his body shaking as he took the first step. Hollandaise had a death grip on meringues arm as he saw the man’s tears glistening in the stage lights, his body wobbling as his face scrunched up in anguish. Hollandaise suddenly felt a pair of headphones envelope his ears and meringues shaky hand covered his eyes. “Don’t look Hollandaise, j-just don’t look.” Hollandaise hadn’t even heard meringues slightly scared before, so when she was being so protecting of him, it just scared him more. He headphones didn’t help, he heard everything.

The scream

The crack

The sputter 

The squirts

The crushing

The gurgling.

….and the cheers…

Meringues hand was shaking enough to see out of it..

The saws were covered in blood, his remains still on the blades. The wine bottle was filled to the brim, likely overflowing.. He was still reaching for help, his eyes suddenly locking onto hollandaises before his head splits.

The Rabbit entered the stage, making a purposely fake sad face. “Well darn, looks like he didnt make it, had some faith in him too, but oh well.” Meringue started talking quietly. “Did you see?” Hollandaise shuddered as the curtain closed, likely them preparing the next horror. “Y-yeah… that-tha-th-that couldnt have been fake… we need to leave.” They got up, thanking their luck nobody was in their row, they left their snacks, not even caring. “Heyyyuhh, where are you two going? Arent you having fun? Tha-RILLLING r-right?” Mayo said, animating his every move, looking at them in confusion. The lights shifted to their vulnerable bodies, meringue subtly covering the crowds view of Hollandaise. “Sorry we couldnt stay for the whole show, but my motorcycle needs maintenance and my appointments in 20 minutes, we’ll be back..” The rabbits look cartoonishly darkened, he started smirking. “Awww, are you SURE you cant stay.” Meringue was clearly getting annoyed. “Uh, yeah no, this appointment cost me my paycheck.” Before mayo could say anything, they walked out.

They practically ran out of that lobby, running for the restroom. “OKAY MERINGUE WHAT DO WE DO?!” Hollandaise yelled. Hollandaises whole body shook, his hands rapidly shivering, as he made a fist. The fabric of his fingerless gloves comforting him slightly. “We should like, just leave, its not worth it…..” Meringue gripped his shoulders, and spoke to him softly. “That was scary as hell, and i know your overly wimpy ass is mortified, but trust me, we’ll be safe if we investigate.” Hollandaise looked at her with a face that could only read “Are you serious”, like that level of confusion. “Meringue, w-we just watched a man die, a-and you want to go BACKSTAGE?!” Meringue suddenly chuckled. “Well i never even SUGGESTED we go backstage, but like, good idea. “WH-WHAT NO I CANT GO BACK THERE?!” Meringue glanced at the bathroom door before turning back to him “listen, if you want to get that guy arrested, we need evidence, i have a camera in my purse, use it to take photos, ill be outs-” “WH-WHAT YOU ARENT GOING IN THERE WITH ME?!” Meringue looked smugly. “You think IM going in there!? No thank you, I’m going to that appointment.” Meringue grasped his shoulder. “I think it’d be better if you did it, after all you… um… well I just don’t want to and it HAS to be one of us, nobody in that audience seems to believe it’s real.” Hollandaise felt his blood starting to boil, but kept his cool. “Fine… but if I even text you, immediately pick me up.”

He stepped into the restricted area, seeing as the crowd cleared out. He ducked behind a dusty red curtain as he saw a corpse being dragged, their eyes unmoving yet locked onto his. He could hear mayo excitedly boasting to himself about how good of a show he just had.. how sick! How could someone so silly be so evil!?!!

Hollandaise stepped out, grabbing the camera meringue gave him and snapping photos of the blood. He saw a loose eyeball, which made him audibly gag. “WHOS THERE!? THE SHOWS OVERRRR!!! I HAVE MY HAT JACKET OFF I LOOK NAKED WITHOUT IT ONNNNN” Hollandaise gasped and hid again, his body trembling at the idea of what would happen to him. The curtain caressed his body as he sank into it, his breathing sped up as he saw a weird green and orange light start to appear, however, no footsteps could be heard, maybe over the sound of his own rapid heart beat. Hollandaise closed his eyes flashed his camera and took a photo as the curtain swung open, trying to disorient whoever opened it. Still with his eyes closed,He made a break for it, only for his arm to get caught. Before he could plead for mercy, he felt a sudden icy coldness over his mouth. He finally opened his eyes to see a sight he thought was impossible. A ghost, green hair, orange body… this man was the man he saw die earlier, he wasn’t gone.  Hollandaises screams were left muffled as he tried prying the ghastly hand off his mouth, but to no avail. “Shhh, if you scream again he’ll hear you..” the ghost lowered his hand, leaving a trembling Hollandaise. “B-but you’re dead I-i can’t- h-how!?” The ghost smirked. “Well ghosts usually stay on earth if they have unfinished business. And I guess I saw you and was like ‘he’s going to die from something if I don’t intervene.’ And now since you unintentionally made me a ghost, I’m your responsibility-“ “WH-WHAT!? What do you mean!?” Hollandaise was shushed by the ghost again “SH! Quiet, he’s going to hear you, I bet he already did so I’ll make this quick. Basically I’m like, tied to you? Like I can pop in and out of reality whenever I want but only near you, once we get like 100 feet apart I disappear for a bit. So basically you’re stuck with me.” Hollandaise tried stammering a response but it was hard to form words at.. that scenario. “O-okay then… this isn’t real, I’ve just been-“ “HEYYYYY BACKSTAGE IS FOR EMPLOYEES ONLYYYYYY” a whiney cartoonish voice blared from ahead of them. “What’s your name kid!?” Hollandaise scrambled to his feet, almost dropping the camera. “H-Hollandaise! Y-yours!?” The ghost motioned for the door, I’ll tell you in a few, he’s coming, I’ll obstruct his view of you, you need to go!” Hollandaise wasted no time, running for the place he entered. 

The door was jammed.

Hollandaise rattled on the handle, before texting meringue to help him. Luckily ghosts plan worked, and Mayo couldn’t see Hollandaise, however he saw habanero. “WOAHHHH A REAL LIFE GHOSTTTT, and I just had you killed!” Mayo looked at The ghost with an almost childlike awe, his mouth agape in shock. “Wait, you’ll just torture me for killing you, won’t you? It’s not even my fault you didn’t complete the challenge, you’ll ruin my show… and nobody ruins my show… it’s all I have and all I want. Mayo grabs the wine bottle, and chucks it at the ghost, the ghost flinched slightly as it passed through him, his spectral appearance staying silent, only gazing with disapproval.

SHATTER

Hollandaise looked down, his camera had completely broken from the force of the throw…. He looked at his hands.. blood. His hands were covered in blood, the crimson liquid stuck to his fingers, attaching them together with thick strands of plasma. His palms were completely covered. He just froze in fear…

Meringue got the door open and grabbed him, eliciting a shocked shriek before he suddenly appeared on his bike. “OH YM GOD HOLLY!!! ARE YOU- WHAT THE F*** HAPPENED HOLLANDAISE….”

[tartarrsaucee]

”I think about you….All the time”

Sometimes I think about ranch and hot sauces dynamic… like….. It’s obvious ranch is like the more “in control” person, like he has hot sauce wrapped around his finger… but like it’s apparent ranch is INCREDIBLY infatuated with him!!

link to episodes! :

Post by @tartarrsaucee · 6 images

💬 0  🔁 0  ❤️ 2 · Buffalo ranch! My story of two gay people: a corrupt-ish ceo, and a cowboy! · Buffalo ranch is a story with two gay men sta

[tartarrsaucee]

Habaneros design

He dead, dead as heck/ref

[tartarrsaucee]

Meringue the lemming

Anyway so this diva is hot sauces assistant

Um

Lesbian

Uhhh

What else umm

She looks like may from Pokemon accidentally oops-

[paulpingminho]

[chefjohn50]

KFC Buffalo Ranch | It's Only Food w/ Chef John Politte