I know I'm getting dangerously close to Twitter Discourse Territory ™ but I really don't get why people care so much about straight allies being at pride. Yes I think it's bad if there's straight people there and they harrass queer people but I don't think including friendly straight folks into our community events is a bad thing. I love talking to straight allies at pride just as much as I love talking to queer people there. They often have very heartwarming stories about being there to support a friend or family member.
This is especially considering that in my country there's been a petition to help protect non-married couples legally (which would benefit both queer ppl who can't legally marry and simply non-married straight couples), and most of the signatures came from allies. Believe it or not we are a minority because there's fewer queer people (out of the closet) than there are straight people. We need allies to thrive.
the last time i visited home me and my brother went to have dinner with our grandmother and she kept asking him if he wants seconds over and over. and it was weird to me. i thought she was messing with him and told her to stop teasing him. but she seemed really confused at my statement. so i just left it alone
when we were alone my brother told me she's just forgetting things now, and that mom said it's better if we just go along with it and we dont confuse her further.
and i realized she's just giving early signs of dementia and i just have to live with that now. and there's nothing to be done. and i remembered all the times she asked if i can come over and i was busy working. and how now her hands dont move sometimes even when she's trying to move them. and how the meds are too expensive for her now. and no one told me that watching a bad relative wither away is still heartbreaking
it's so strange how everything changes once you leave.
my old therapist told me to expect this after i leave. that it happens sometimes. and yet when i go back home and i see glimpses into the dynamic between my mother and my brother i feel bittersweet. why is she better only now, after i left? how come me begging for years to be understood didn't convince her but somehow me leaving did? and even now, we're only on good terms as long as i dont speak of myself too much around her. it's all conditional still, but she's learned to contain it.
and sometimes i wonder if her love for my brother is also conditional and i just cant tell from the surface. or if she geniuenly loves him more just because he's not queer. or if she loves him out of fear of losing him like she lost me.
and i wonder if in time he became bitter towards me. and if he is now more loyal to my mother than he was to me. if he goes back to her and tells her everything we talked about the same way we used to tell her about what we talked about when we went over to dad's house for the weekend. i wonder if he remembers the bad days or if his mind is still protecting him from the memories
i told him once that the only thing that will ever keep me away from him is his word. if he asks me to cut ties with him i will without question. but every night i fear someday it might be true. every night i fear i made him feel as alone as we both felt when our father left. if he feels betrayed by me for leaving him behind. if he feels angry that even though i left i still come back to ask for money, because I didn't have the patience to save up first. but no amount of saving up would have helped me honestly
i dont care anymore what other people think of me. i dont mind being the villian in people's stories. its a role that needs to be filled. i just dont want to be the cause of my little brother's nightmares
I never left my hometown nor did I ever want to leave but it's the size of 3-4 regular hometowns so in a way when I moved 2 hours away I left everything I knew behind. Like. There's different architecture here. The roads are different. I never bump into old classmates or my family here.
