#bundledthoughts

[bundlesofblankies]

you hatin and meanwhile im llookn liek dis......

[bundlesofblankies]

There is not enoguh inva.der zi.m agere... shame shaaaame on theee,.....

[bundlesofblankies]

⚠️ ! TW vent post about growing up. It's best that you don't read this if you're not in the headspace to ! ⚠️

I’m scared of becoming an adult. I’m only 16 years old, but over the years since Elementary ended I have become increasingly more aware of the fact that I am growing up. At least in middle school I could assure myself that I had plenty more years until I was no longer a child, now as I approach 17 in less than a month, I’m realizing that I have senior year and then… that’s it. I know even if legally I’m an adult at 18, I’m still going to young and immature, but I feel that I’ve wasted my childhood and I’ve realized too late, and I know I’m never going to have the same senseless happiness that I had as a kid. Things feel as if they’ve started getting more serious lately, the stress of school was always looming over me but now it’s all coming to the grand finale where I’m supposed to get into a college, and I just hate the thought of that. I think of myself, I spell out my name in my head, and I think, “She’s a child. She was never supposed to grow this old. This is wrong.” I don’t want to be an adult. I don’t like responsibility. I want to be able to find joy in the dumbest things, but now I can’t anymore. I want to be able to not care so much, I never cared much about anything when I was in middle school but now I constantly have this weight under my eyes and it’s harder for me to find joy in things. I live precariously through my memories of childhood, I can only really remember 11-12 and up because I think that’s when I gained a real friend group, they’ve fractured now but it was nice while it lasted. When I come to and stop thinking so much about the past, I resent the present and the future. When I think of my future as an adult, I get the same feeling I do when I think about my inevitable death. It’s like a 100x worse version of the feeling you get when you schedule an appointment for 4 months in the future, but then almost 4 months go by and now the appointment is only 1 or 2 days away. Except at least that’s still avoidable, you can’t cancel growing up or just not do it. I hate that I kept going “but that’s in 6 years… but that’s in 4 years… but that’s in 2 years…” and now I’m going to legally become an adult in 1 year and I’ll have new and bigger expectations, and even then the loss of whimsey that I was expecting has come early. Obviously it wasn’t gonna happen with the flick of a switch, it’s not like the second you turn 18 you become super serious or anything, but to my understanding the newfound treatment would be what would dampen your spirits, because now people would be treating you as an adult. I think stressing so much over getting older has been what took away my childish joy ahead of time. I know there’s still college, but none of the fun things that I expected to happen in high school actually happened so I’m not very hopeful that college will advert my expectations, but you tell me. High school was supposed to be the time of doing something stupid that you’re not supposed to with your friends and partying, and so far I’ve only got the smallest, most disappointing taste of what I expected high school to be like. But I suppose that’s my own fault for trusting the 2000’s-2010’s media I grew up on to accurately portray what high school is supposed to be like. The closest I ever got to that was what I had in my friend group in middle school, we would do dumb things during late-night sleepovers, gossiping about who was dating who and taking everything so seriously that it ultimately wrapped around to being unserious and naive in nature. I want to be 12 years old so I can feel secure and unbothered and I don’t need to worry about the big scary world outside my window just yet. I want to be a kid so I can cry into the arms of someone that I can trust and I won’t worry over whether or not it’s stupid to be crying over that thing because when you’re 12, you’re arrogant and emotional and care more about going “this thing is making me cry and I don’t like that” rather than “this thing is making me cry and I don’t know if I should be crying over it at this age.” I just want to be innocent again.

[bundlesofblankies]

this is from oct 19 i forgor 😴😴 seepy

[bundlesofblankies]

Kitties are so cute becuz they love you all the time when you snugglez with dem...

[bundlesofblankies]

Fluttershy is my spirit animal