#bunkmungo

[bunkmungo]

Well, I haven't been on tumblr in the last 4-5 months because I've been busy working my ass off for what happened this morning at 5:47 a.m.

I met my daughter(s)... This is Aleksiina Rae, my beautiful little survivor. Her twin sister Elana sadly only made it to 24 months before I found out she was no longer with us. Losing her was extremely agonizing, but I am also absolutely thrilled that Aleksiina is as healthy as she is. 

It's just kind of amazing looking back at my life the last time I was on here. A lot has changed since then... all for the better (: 

[bunkmungo]

rill niggy talk

[bunkmungo]

JUST SO SHIT IS CLEAR

If your opinion on me is based on anything other than the direct impact I have had on your life, you can kindly fuck off. If your motives for talking to me consist of anything other than forming a genuine connection, you can kindly fuck off. If you are a part of my life only so that you may stand in the shadow of someone that I am associated with in hopes of being a part of theirs, you can kindly fuck off. If you are not willing to forgive the past mistakes I have made when they have absolutely nothing to do with you, you can kindly fuck off. If you are willing to sell me out as anything less than I am for the sheer purpose of entertaining your friends and family with gossip, you can kindly fuck off. If you are willing to let me share my problems with you for the purpose of you understanding my issues better so you can take them on yourself and then cry about how hard your life is for an audience, then you can kindly fuck off. If your loyalty lies with those whose charismatic bullshitting skills outshine the testimonies of those who want to tell nothing but the truth, then you can kindly fuck off. If you're cool and you're not like... petty, dramatic and full of shit... hey, you should stick around! There should be more people like you. Git in ma lyyyyf, yo.

[bunkmungo]

if there were ever a time i needed to be sure of something

that time is now.

and yet still, i am left waiting wondering questioning observing with anticipation built up to the point where i feel pain

physical pain, no i'm laughing anxiety is pain depression is pain sinking is pain it's the dull kind that you never see coming and always hate yourself for not stopping when you could have

the only things keeping me moving forward family love the will to survive and the fact that everything i had here has been pulled out from under me

yet still i take the time to wonder if anything i ran around trying to accomplish ever meant anything is it worth it is there enough when does it start making sense and why do i feel the incessant need to fall so helplessly in love with the things that i will never be able to grasp

[bunkmungo]

hello this is me

[bunkmungo]

i'm starting to wonder how much i can make you laugh for taking my suicidal banter as a joke

maybe next time someone cries for help don't make them feel bad about it it sucks because I know life is worth it however there was this thing called crystal meth that I was using a lot of not too long ago and now I'm not sure why I keep laughing at this joke I am not going to do anything other than sit here I have dreams about every way I could kill myself sometimes I'll be skating and throw myself off my board into the street to see if I can make it an accident but I don't want to make it my board's fault I need to find a new way of flirting with death that people won't pick up on or blame my skateboard for yet still I feel like there are people out there who still think they want me around yet when it comes down to it none of them have what is needed to help  none of them have the time of day none of them have a reason to smile when I walk into the room none of them have a floor or a couch I could crash on well, some of them do but the ones who are offering to help me with my struggles being homeless are generally the ones I don't like to accept help from because Hubris is a flaw that exists among even the least prideful in our society so I guess what I'm saying is  I cannot accept all the help that is offered and still be confident I won't kill myself Should it end up happening I don't want to waste anyone's time In posting this on tumblr, it's like the same reason people pray you need to shoot the words out into the universe nobody really reads the text posts on my tumblr not that I'm looking for an audience I'm just looking to get this out these feelings thoughts tendencies how I fantasize about laying down after taking 3 or 4 bottles of sleeping pills how I get off of my skateboard climb high  high high  high and wonder if it's high enough up that should I care to test the waters, I won't wake up in the hospital and yet you all of you in my life with your suicide attempts  that you wear on your sleeve and make sure someone is there to take you to the ER I sat and watch you sleepily smile up at everyone because you got everyone you loved to stand around you then me to come all high on crystal got raped the night before cut off my beautiful hair because I felt unworthy of it Whore You all looked at me like one  it was just great so I went home with no thoughts in my mind except, hey, can I really OD on crystal meth? well yeah, but how much will it take? smoke smoke smoke snort nosebleed well fuck, I should lay down I think this feeling is a heart attack but why is it lasting like...8 hours? When does my heart stop racing and when does the darkness close in oh it didn't work so like 8 hours of that for nothing and I wasted all my meth laying in bed too high cool and now I'm like... clean but nobody believes that shit go to rehab or you're dead to us they say and I'm like... well fuck ok. I guess I'm dead to you. I guess. If I log back in tomorrow, that's a small victory for me I don't really care to be alive by the end of today