TRANSMISSION FROM @bunnybolt :
❛ i can't move forward. i keep reliving this moment over and over again, and i'm stuck. ❜
MORE RANDOM ANGST , ACCEPTING .
he knows what he means by that.
what else would he mean ? there is a long string of things that have happened to them both since they began their studies, but moments they've experienced only got worse and worse and worse until they were sure it was the end / katsuki remembers the vivid blue sky from the day izuku speaks of, the clouds creeping over the horizon from todoroki's direction, the iron dripping from his face and nose and sneaking onto tongue as he counts and measures movement. it was a mantra he muttered ... [ right side, finger, feint. ] ... until he knew his purpose.
and then he remembers that, just as one walks willingly toward that which brings them life, he charged in willingly to something that would bring his -
there are days he cannot move forward from it either. there are days he looks at his classmates, at his friends, at izuku, and remembers that he was willing to give this life up for the chance at victory, the scarring on his chest a vehement reminder that he actually did. there are days where he seems disconnected from reality, gaze distant, until someone pulls him back. it's all he sees some nights ; despite all he's been through, he never understood the way something could haunt a person until he dreams of the moment before everything ended, where he glances to his all might card and laments that he never got it signed when he had the chance - now stained, tarnished, crumpled.
he used to dream of other things too - air robbed from his lungs, hand on his neck, the flash of jagged red tendrils approaching izuku - but nothing so vivid. nothing so consuming.
katsuki cannot blame izuku if the image is burned into his mind ; it wraps its cruel icy hands around his own neck, after all, the fact that he's only alive because a hero had given his life to do so. but he persists. the ache presses against shoulder and throat and mind but he still does his best to walk forward because he must.
yet the urge to turn on his heel and forgo his progress so he may guide izuku through the darkness lingers, in the way he mulls over the words, brows furrowing, eyes narrowing. he may move forward, yes, but shigaraki's words run cold through his veins ... [ you're closer to izuku midoriya than anyone else. ] ... and it is no surprise that izuku is frozen in the past. in that moment, even. ❛ it ain't enough that i'm alive and breathing in front of you ? ❜
he strides forward and seizes izuku by the wrist. he then takes the green-haired boy's index and middle fingers to press against his throat, just past his windpipe, right on top of his carotid artery with red glaring into green. the pulse is steady. steady and slow, relaxed, despite irritation on his face. ❛ shigaraki thought he took this from me, but he didn't. hah ! he could fucking never. i'm just as much alive as i was before we walked into that war. ❜ but that would not be enough to ease izuku's mind, would it ? [ he can do nothing of memories, after all. he can scarcely do anything about his own. ] the best he can do is ...
❛ your mind can play all the fucking tricks it wants on you. the moment you start thinking about that shit, you remember that i'm right fucking here, breathing in your same stupid air. ❜
