Let it hurt
Bepo woke up somewhere in the afternoon, I swear Shachi and Penguin cried when they hugged their friend and I couldn’t blame them, it was one hell of a scare. My surprise was when the bear came to hug me! It’s not like I did anything special, but he gave me a big old hug that would’ve been cute if he weren’t a big furball of sweat right now. Law was the one that pulled Bepo off of me, I just know I saw the captain smile even as he complained that Bepo was now all over him. I don’t know, there was something about the bear that was just nice to be around, I’ve barely known him for a day all together, but if someone hurt Bepo I’d probably tear their throat out with my teeth. Just saying.
“Hey…” I tugged at Law’s sleeve making him turn to me “I need you to point two things for me, the showers and Ikkaku.”
He raised me an eyebrow “Why Ikkaku?”
“Bathing supplies.” I replied “Look, I know my wounds and stitches are still tender, but a girl’s got needs and one of them is a damn shower.”
“As long as you’re good on your word and are careful with those wounds of yours, ok?” I nodded and he looked around “Ikkaku!” I turned to find the brown-haired girl walk over to us “Do me a favour, will you? Take this annoying little cat to the showers, will you?”
I glared over at him as my tiger ears came out “I’m not little!” I say as I have to look up to look at him “And you’re the annoying one, panda.”
That wiseass smirk, I felt like slapping it off of his face “Little, annoying, cat.” He seemed like he was enunciating every damn letter and I couldn’t resist, I threw a punch at his face but he easily avoided it without batting an eye, like he was expecting it and that only pissed me off more “Go take a shower, you smell like a polar bear.”
I turned around to leave, having no idea where I was even heading, but my ears perked up when I heard him chuckle, but that wasn’t all I heard from him “Stay with her, I’m not a hundred percent sure about those injuries.”
“Is it worry I hear in your voice, captain?” she sounded teasing but I didn’t turn around “Hey! Kitty cat! Do you know where you’re going?” I stopped when she called me out and crossed my arms over my chest but this only made her laugh “C’mon girl.” She tapped my back as she passed with a smile “Let’s get my stuff.”
I smiled to her “Thanks Ikkaku.”
She rubbed my head like I was a kid “Cats are kind of obvious when they eavesdrop, you know?” I let my ears shift back to human as a reflex “Don’t worry, I notice cuz I used to have a cat when I was a kid.”
“I wasn’t eavesdropping.” I’m aware I sounded like a child but I couldn’t really stop myself “Not on purpose anyway.”
She only laughed and rubbed my head again “You’re adorable!”
We passed through her quarters where she picked up a couple of clean towels, some clothes and her bathing things, then she lead us to the showers. We chatted all the way, she told me about her crew and I told her about mine, where we’d been and where they’d been! I could tell that she barely believed me when I told her about Skypiea, but then again, I’m not sure I’d believe it if I hadn’t been there. She told me about this island where they barely had gravity? It sounded like a blast! And like they barely made it too, but Ikkaku laughed as she said it, so I could tell she had a good time.
The Heart Pirates seemed like a good bunch and I found myself wondering how we even ended up in their care, I mean, I remembered seeing Law and Bepo in Sabaody, they’re hard to miss. But how had they ended up in Marineford? According to Jimbei, Buggy – the only ‘big red nosed pirate’ that I know of – caught us and he must’ve dropped us off on their ship? Part of me wanted to fill in the blanks of what had happened after I passed out, but the other half of me was terrified to even let my mind wonder into that…
What will I tell Luffy when he wakes up…?
“Hey.” Ikkaku gently placed a hand on my shoulder “Do you want me to help you with the bandages?”
I was so lost in thought that I hadn’t realized that we had made it to the showers. I smiled at her “Yes please, I have no idea where to even start.” I started to take off my clothes and I could feel her eyes up and down my body – was I that bad?
“Damn girl, have you been through a grinder or something?”
I looked at my bandage wrapped body and could barely make out what was what. Ikkaku started to help me with the bandages and I could finally look at my injuries from the war - there was the burns from Magellan’s poison all over my body but mostly on my arms; there were the bruises from fighting the beasts and let’s be honest here, from fighting just about every bastard that crossed our path; I had cuts that I had no idea where they had come from, I mean, had I fought anyone particularly alright with a blade? I mean, I only knew that it hadn’t been Mihawk because if he had ‘grazed’ me, I’d have lost an arm or something; I also noticed I got shot a couple of times in the arm?! When did that happen?! There were the injection marks from Iva’s help on my side; my arms were riddled with rough cuts from my wind from the other day and of course… I could tell Ikkaku was leaving it for last, the bandage around my torso… She gently unwrapped it off of me and I had to bite down my lip not to cry. From the top of my left breast all the way down to my right hip, was a slash that wasn’t really a cut, but more like a graze? A graze that had melted my skin and dented my form – Akainu’s magma power.
“Are you alright…?” Ikkaku asked me softly trying to meet my eyes.
I nodded “Always thought scars were cool…” I forced a chuckle and she gave me a tight smile “Don’t get me wrong… It’s just…” I felt my voice shake and knew that if I said that it reminded me of Ace and what had happened that I’d start crying, second time today. No thank you “I’m glad it missed my boobs.”
She laughed and I was glad I had managed to get away with it. I turned to the shower and we kept talking, random stuff, nothing too serious as I tried to sort through the mess that was my hair. I was thankful for her company, without Ikkaku there to distract me, I’d be a mess of thoughts by now and that was the last thing I needed. The big wound across my chest burned with every drop of water that hit it and I was too numb to feel the rest… When I was done, I wrapped my hair in the smaller towel and my body in the big one “Shoot!”
I looked over at her “What…?”
“I forgot clean bandages!” she replied “Wait there a minute, we’ll need to wrap you up again, mummy!”
I pulled up the bench she had been sitting on and waited. A few drops of water broke through the silence every now and then, my wound was burning as I clung to the towels, I figured it was normal – the door opened and Ikkaku had come back. She wrapped me up in bandages again as I got dressed, she had given me clean underwear, some trousers I had never seen and another t-shirt “These should fit, they’re mine.”
I smiled “Thanks.” She just waved me off like it didn’t matter.
After that much needed shower, she offered to do my hair, claiming that it wasn’t every day that she had another girl around, I let her, I didn’t have head to even brush it let along do something. She took me back to her quarters, sat me in front of a mirror and brushed my hair as she talked to me, it reminded me so much of when Makino used to do that. I clung to my trousers remembering how Ace had gone to her to teach him to braid so he could dote on me… How everybody thought he was so polite these days but nobody knew about the intense good manners classes he asked of Makino just to thank Shanks for saving our lives…
I swallowed back my tears and if Ikkaku noticed, she didn’t say. She made a braid on both sides of my head, then tied them up on the back of my head “Your hair is so easy to work with!” she’d say, looking at her thick curls, I wasn’t surprised she thought so. I thought it was a pain, had considered cutting it more than once, but I could never bring myself to, I loved my long hair… I thanked her for her help and I made my way back to the corridors, it was chilly again…
I walked through the crew, said my hi’s and everything and made my way back into the infirmary room I had been in. The door clicked behind me and I cried. Thinking about those early days had always put a smile on my face but now… Nothing hurt more, not even that big wound across my chest. The tears were silent as I leaned on the door behind me, I didn’t want to be heard, I didn’t want to be seen, I didn’t want to feel all of that, I wanted to stuff it all in a box and never look at all those feelings again! I looked up, took a deep breath and tried to rub the tears off my cheeks when my eyes fell on my brother’s hat. It was right where Bepo had put it before and I found myself remembering Law’s words “If you shut it out, it’s not a door you’ll be able to easily open up again.” I pulled myself off the door and walked up to my brother’s bed, leaned on the side of it and reached for Luffy’s hat. Luffy’s hat that had been Shanks’ hat… I put it over my head, letting it settle over the braids that Ikkaku had done and just as it did, the tears came back. I held onto the edges of my brother’s hat and I let it hurt, I let it burn over me as the hat seemed to protect me from the world around me. It was ugly and I made myself feel that I would never see Ace smile again, I let myself remember our days in the forest, I let myself remember the war, every moment of it, how we got to the scaffolding, how Mr.3 helped us get the cuffs off of Ace. I let myself remember how relieved I was when the three of us fought shoulder to shoulder again, how proud I was to be fighting beside my brothers and how there didn’t seem to be a force on this Earth that could stand up to us… I let myself remember the despair that struck me when Ace slipped from our grasp… It all hurts! It tore me apart more than all the wounds I had collected this past month…
When will I stop crying, Ace…?
I woke up to grunts and muffled screams. I don’t remember falling asleep, but I got to my feet and quickly turned to Luffy, he was as still as he had been. I took the straw hat off my head and placed it back over his chest, maybe I had dreamt it? But no, the muffled screams came back and I looked over at the vent over my bed – Law?
I got out the door and straight into his office, he was lying on his couch with an open book over his face, clearly struggling in his sleep. I thought if I should even do something when I heard him calling out for held in his sleep. I walked into his office and closed the door behind me, I knelt right by the couch, took the book from his face – when I noticed the tear stains on his face – and tried to gently shake him awake “Law… Law, wake up… Law, it’s just a nightmare…” he didn’t seem to respond but I tried again “Law!”
“LAMI!” he got up so quickly that I didn’t have time to pull back, we bumped heads and I fell on my ass rubbing my head.
“Ouch…”
“Lu—Luna…?” I looked up at him, he had sat up, his face in his hands and his shoulders rose and fell harshly “Wha-What are you doing here?” he was out of breath, like he had ran a marathon and maybe in his nightmare he had…?
“Sorry…” I whispered, leaning my shoulder on the couch “I heard you having a nightmare… This whole shared wall thing works both ways…” he didn’t say anything and I found myself looking over at the clock on the wall and smiled unconsciously “It’s 3 in the morning…”
“I don’t feel like talking.”
I nodded “That’s ok. Do you want me to go make you a warm drink or something…?”
“No.” he still had his face in his hands.
I sighed, maybe I had stepped over the line “Sorry I disturbed you.” I got up and walked over to the door, I was clearly not wanted there.
I’m reaching for the door handle when I hear his voice again “I was dreaming with my sister…” I let my hand hover in the air “About the day I lost her…”
I glanced over my shoulder “Sorry…” he raised his eyes to meet mine and I took that as an invitation to get back, so I did “May I ask something…?” he nodded as I sat on the couch beside him “How long ago did you lose her…?”
He scoffed away the pain as he rubbed his face again “About fourteen years ago…” he then looked back at me like he had read my mind “And yes, it still haunts me. I told you, it doesn’t go away, you just have to learn to carry it…”
“It’s because I mentioned her before, right…?” I spoke sheepishly “Sorry…”
He shook his head “I have been thinking of Lami and Cora-san more lately, it’s not your fault.”
“Good memories…?”
He leaned back on the couch, looking at the ceiling “Those seem to be the ones that hurt the most, right…?”
“Yeah…” I looked over at his tired expression “I’m told the best way is to let it hurt, though…”
He scoffed again “Is that so? What idiot told you that?”
“A grumpy panda.” I smirked over at him but I was too tired to hold it for too long and he was too tired to pretend to be annoyed at me “It seems to work though…” he raised me an eyebrow “I thought of the day we met him and how much things changed since then…” I chuckled at the memory “Ace hated our guts when we met him.” This seemed to tickle him too “I’m serious… Avoided us like the plague…”
“Can’t blame the guy, you’re a pain.”
I smacked him in the arm “You’re an ass.” But I couldn’t help but chuckle myself. There was silence for a moment and I thought I’d say it “You know… You tell me off, but you do it too…” he raised me an eyebrow again “When the conversation gets a bit too close to the heart, you turn it around.”
He tilted his head as his smile faded again “It’s a bad habit, but what can I do…?”
“Let it hurt…”