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Hare..n..ry 🐇

#hansry #but animals #they do little dancey dance #for my soul #don't judge me #probably not gonna draw things about kcd i just had to get this one out of my brain

there was a dying pigeon next to my car this evening. at least i think it was dying. it was blinking very slowly and didn't move, not even when i sat down right next to it. its feathers were all ruffled up. i don't know what an old pigeon looks like. i don't know anything about birds at all. but i think this one was old. it was huddled on the sidewalk. i sat there for a minute and considered walking away but my feet wouldn't move. i knew it was dying. i looked up the nearest wildlife center and called them but no one picked up. i called the humane society and said there is a pigeon next to my car and i think it's dying. i asked if there was something they could do. the man said i could bring it in and they could euthanize it. so no. i don't blame them. they can't fix every sick pigeon. i said the pigeon would probably prefer the sidewalk to strange hands and a car in its last moments. the man said okay. he stayed on the line with me for a minute. i said thank you for the help. he said thank you and you're welcome. he sounded like he meant it more than he did when he first picked up. i sat next to the pigeon until the blinking stopped and then i waited a bit longer to make sure it was dead. i didn't know what to do. i went upstairs and got my dog and and some gloves and some paper towels and an amazon box. i went back downstairs with my dog and i put the gloves on and watched the pigeon until i felt brave enough and then i picked it up and put it in the box with the paper towels. i pass a dead bird every other day but i knew this one when it was alive. we walked down to sheridan park and i dug a little hole and put the box in it. i covered it up. it definitely wasn't deep enough.

four months ago i fostered four newborn kittens we found behind a wall at work. we couldn't leave them there because they were a fire hazard. the humane society gave me instructions and supplies. i didn't sleep for more than two hours at a time for five days. i went to the emergency vet three times in one night. none of them made it. the last one died during the day. she wasn't eating and i brought her to the vet at the humane society. free care for fosters. i think i knew she was dying. i knew the signs by then. the vet assistant came back out and said sometimes it just happens. fading kitten syndrome, or something. once the first one dies it's much more likely the others will. she asked if i wanted to say goodbye before they euthanized her. i did. she brought her out. i held her. she was so small. i remembered her meow. i was going to name her rosie if she survived. i said i'm sorry and i gave her back. the vet tech took her away. then she came back and rubbed my back while i cried and cried and cried. she said sometimes there are seasons where so many die. the first summer she fostered neonates every kitten in her four litters died. she said there is nothing you could have done. i will never know if this is true. i will never know if i did something wrong. but the first night without kittens i woke up in the dark three times with my hands cradled against my stomach, holding ghosts, thinking it was time for a feeding.

i don't want to see another dead bird tomorrow.