I’m writing you a very important letter today. I do hope that you’ll take the time to read it and seriously consider the enclosed concerns.
Please, for the love of all things, stop letting Christmas start almost two months early. This has gotten completely out of hand. How am I supposed to experience Christmas cheer when pumpkins are in the process of decaying on my front step?
I’ll have you know that it’s become impossible to listen to my favorite radio station, as it’s been turned into 24 hours of unrelenting Christmas joy. I can only hear So This is Christmas and bad renditions of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas so many times before I start to feel like I’m going to bleed out of my ears.
In addition, it has literally turned into The Nightmare Before Christmas outside. People have managed to have both Halloween AND Christmas decorations up at the same time, except for the few people who have put giant inflatable Turkeys on their lawns in protest. I’m beginning to feel very confused.
I’m a very loyal fan. I really appreciate the message of peace and love and joy that you attempt to spread across the world and even though some people (really awful people) like you use you as a symbol for their white privilege and the capitalist hell we live in (and you are kind of a metaphor for the patriarchy) I think you’re all around an alright guy (or woman, or however you would like to be acknowledged. No assumptions from me).
I used to set out cookies and milk and celery (for the reindeer, because I assumed they would like it) when I was little. I bake cute things every year just to celebrate! Really, I’m not asking for much. Just take an extra month off, like you used to. I mean, I hope you aren’t overworking anyone this early in the year - or I’ll have to call in SPEW. That would be a serious issue.
I understand these concerns may seem trivial, but I really miss being able to enjoy Christmas. It’s quite difficult when I feel like I’m going to puke Christmas baubles by November 15th.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope it finds you well and jolly,
P.S. - I would really like it if my Christmas cake turned out beautifully this year. I would also be so inclined if you could move the snow and -5 weather to Christmas day instead of the days that I have to get up early for my classes. I know, I’m asking a lot. But I swear I’ve been really good (and hard working and super cute) this year, so I kind of deserve this. Especially after the $300 I spent on my shitty ex last Christmas. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that one.
Oh, I also would like for people to stop being dick-heads and for everyone to mostly get along and treat each other kindly and peacefully this year. I know, I’m asking for the impossible but, I’ll work really hard on my end to help that happen.
