keeping the blond makes his part of the trip to the salon easier and he admits that it’s growing on him. part of him is convinced that he wants to stay blonde for a while. who would’ve thought he’d change his mind within months? that black might not be his favorite hair color anymore. the princess would probably lose her mind if she found out and he chuckles to himself as the bleach sits on his roots, a touch up still needed to keep the blond fresh, as he considers calling her up later to tell her of it.
he can imagine the lecture now of whether he’s treating his hair right, if he’s over-washing it or using the wrong product to wash it. so much to go into hair care and skin care that he questions when idols have the time, especially when he thinks of the pretty nail art some of his friends have. beauty is pain, yes, but you don’t hear enough about how time-consuming it can be too.
with the trip to the salon not taking long for him, he’s more focused on the part of the day he’s been thinking about since late into the night before, unable to sleep and lounging around on the couch instead as he tries to remember his lines. phone clutched in his hand during the rides back and forth, while he sat in the chair to wait for the bleach to develop, and now as he waits for his turn in the recording booth, he struggles with the idea that he has so many lines in swimming fool. he feels like the fool and though he has done the best he can to improve his singing, it still doesn’t feel like enough.
what he’d give to be able to hold jinwook or woohyun’s hand through this, or to tease sehun, joke around with taeyong and seungcheol, rely on the members, but the truth is, he is the only one who can get himself through this so he does so the best way he knows how; with all the confidence he can muster, he reminds himself of who he is, of the song he wanted to release for their predebut teasers, and that he has come this far for a reason.
he can allow himself to be a swimming fool but not a singing one.
unit black has performed some of his favorite songs to perform over the years, even before he graduated sunhwa. how many times had he performed growl? the group’s work is at a level he hopes convex reaches and they’re getting there, aren’t they? songs covered, whether it’s vocally or through dance, or even both. their recognition rises and he hopes that there will be music festivals soon where other groups cover convex songs instead. even better if it’s a mix of different groups considering the size of their group.
but that’s another thing to consider, isn’t it? they’ll be performing at yet another music show concert without a certain member in their lineup, without it being officially announced or addressed. headlines will cover that as much, if not more, than how well they perform and that fact brings back that bitter taste in his mouth. forcing himself to swallow it down, force it away, he thinks of the stage itself, of how fun it’ll be, of how he has most of the lines of a unit black member he likes. yeontae might not be the main vocalist or a center compared to some of the others but he’s stable, versatile, and that’s what hoseok admires about him. then again, what’s not to admire or like about everyone in unit black?
does someone think that way of convex too? he hopes so. his wishes grow the more they do, even if their numbers diminish. he has to believe that, that they’re growing, that they will continue to flourish. what did they all train so hard for if not? that resolve has to carry them through. no, they have to carry it through and while he might put a little too much force into some of the dance steps, he grins whenever one of the members sings, at how they fall into unison even when it’s not their own song. they make it theirs for the time being and that’s another feat to be proud of.
when they receive the lyrics and lines for their b-side tracks, though their units tend to mean more individual lines, hoseok feels nervous this time around and he suspects it has to do with the changes, including the ones to his own schedule.
on a month they’ve lost a member, he will go through the preparations to film a drama. he’s got a few weeks til then and he’s thankful for it, that he’ll be around the first few weeks but it doesn’t make it any easier. for the rest of the day, between practices and meals, he looks over the lines, can’t quite make the connection, and none of them stick in his mind.
there’s a disconnect he can’t shake the feeling of and maybe it’s that he looks at the songs now and wonder how long the company knew, if they knew by the time the songs were chosen, written, lines distributed. he wonders what lines would’ve been zhengting’s.
is that a weird thought? or is that normal? did he do the same when the others had left?
how many times would they go through this? the comments of the fans and netizens worry him more now, weigh on his mind, occupy space instead of the lines sinking in. how many times?
how many times will they lose someone?
it casts doubt where it shouldn’t be allowed to develop and he shakes his head when he’s alone practicing that night. when it comes to singing, maybe he should talk to someone in the vocal unit. but he can’t move, can’t sing right then. he feels stuck in place, frozen, and it takes him a while til he feels as if he can do something— he just wishes that the something he felt like doing wasn’t to leave the studio and head home.
