he remembers the days he preferred being behind the camera, taking photos of others, compared to being in front of it. performing, sure, that’s different in and of itself to him but posing in front of a camera? modeling for a specific purpose and not dancing or even singing now to some effect? the two are almost completely separate to him. as much as he ought to marry the two ideas together, especially as an idol, he thinks the title of the drama itself also follows his line of thinking. entertainers through music, through performance, but modeling is its own special kind of performance.
this is a truth he slowly becomes more comfortable with each time they do a photoshoot for an album cover, promotions, interviews, a number of things. the workshops he’s taken don’t seem like enough and he considers returning to them, to more lessons and practice (as if he doesn’t stay at the company long enough on most days).
would that suffice? would he feel more comfortable? he considers it again when he watches his co-stars take their turns, together and apart. kangjoon just has that model look to him and sejeong makes almost anything seem natural with her personality.
he wonders when he lost that trait himself. just around what time did he allow his light to dim til he reached this point?
his character is cheerful and optimistic, secretly stubborn in hoseok’s opinion, and the closeness to his mother makes him sulk unintentionally on his own. the character’s background is so different from his, acting in a complete role is overwhelming when he compares it to the cameo he did not too long ago.
but he wants this, to act, to learn, to be someone else and understand how it feels to be in their shoes and it’s a connection with a character, with the fans, on a different level than he’s used to with performance. so, for now, he continues to smile, resolve burning a bit brighter than when he psyched himself out before the shoot began.
keeping the blond makes his part of the trip to the salon easier and he admits that it’s growing on him. part of him is convinced that he wants to stay blonde for a while. who would’ve thought he’d change his mind within months? that black might not be his favorite hair color anymore. the princess would probably lose her mind if she found out and he chuckles to himself as the bleach sits on his roots, a touch up still needed to keep the blond fresh, as he considers calling her up later to tell her of it.
he can imagine the lecture now of whether he’s treating his hair right, if he’s over-washing it or using the wrong product to wash it. so much to go into hair care and skin care that he questions when idols have the time, especially when he thinks of the pretty nail art some of his friends have. beauty is pain, yes, but you don’t hear enough about how time-consuming it can be too.
with the trip to the salon not taking long for him, he’s more focused on the part of the day he’s been thinking about since late into the night before, unable to sleep and lounging around on the couch instead as he tries to remember his lines. phone clutched in his hand during the rides back and forth, while he sat in the chair to wait for the bleach to develop, and now as he waits for his turn in the recording booth, he struggles with the idea that he has so many lines in swimming fool. he feels like the fool and though he has done the best he can to improve his singing, it still doesn’t feel like enough.
what he’d give to be able to hold jinwook or woohyun’s hand through this, or to tease sehun, joke around with taeyong and seungcheol, rely on the members, but the truth is, he is the only one who can get himself through this so he does so the best way he knows how; with all the confidence he can muster, he reminds himself of who he is, of the song he wanted to release for their predebut teasers, and that he has come this far for a reason.
he can allow himself to be a swimming fool but not a singing one.
meeting the rest of the cast for a script reading and getting his measurements taken are the first few steps he takes. it’s different from his first experience acting. the cameo had been a fleeting experience. an entire day but this will take months and that thought settles on his mind during the wardrobe fittings. his accessories include glasses that he’s far too entertained by, a fact he shares by playing off the show name, grinning to himself when he manages to make at least one of the stylist’s assistants laugh.
at first, he thought the frames were fake and he swears they are, picking them up with curiosity, asking if he could use his own or if they’d take the lens off for the glare of the camera or if they were anti-glare. he talks endlessly throughout the entire session that it’s a wonder they don’t tire of him or tell him to be quiet. ‘hold still,’ he definitely hears a few times, chuckling with a bow of his head and repetitive apologies, asking what kind of snacks or drinks they like so he can bring some to show his appreciation and sincerity.
he even boasts of making the absolute best milk tea drinks and talks of the shop he used to work at, asking them to visit til one jokingly asks if he’s sponsored. with a cheeky grin, he tells them that the shop couldn’t afford him even with a discount because of the group he’s in. isn’t convex amazing, he regales of their talents and skills, asks if they’ve worked with hyun on heirs or sehun and taeyong with their photoshoots. if they know wooh— ah, royal hyung from his acting experiences too and insists they keep an eye out for the other members. the fitting goes by quickly the more he speaks and he’s in higher spirits than when he came in, this is really happening.
《 ★ @rktaeyxng 》 in a dorm full of twelve, with only two bathrooms, it’s surprising how they manage to fit everything in, including times for each of them to bathe. some days, yixing chooses to stop by a jjimjilbang or freshen up at the company. today, he thinks it’s a miracle that the bathrooms seem empty and clear for the taking. when he gets out, it’s a different story and more of the convex members seem to have come home. notably, he notices that taeyong’s come home from his newest photoshoot.
in a(n) annoyingly playful mood, yixing purposely walks over towards taeyong’s room, covering his head with his towel just before he reaches the doorway and moving his hands around sporadically, willingly blinded by the towel as he calls out, “someone help, i’ve lost my face. is there anyone from the face shop here?” pulling it off, he peeks over the edge of the towel. “aa, that’s a lame joke, right? but my face is in some help. can one of the many good looking members of convex help me out?”
there’s one actor in particular that yixing decides he wants to take inspiration from— one actor in particular whose scenes yixing finally connects to in some way, even if it’s not what’s intended, even if those feelings are ones yixing hasn’t wanted to feel in quite some time.
sentences like “i thought there was something between us” and “words are vain, aren’t they” cut the deepest but they deserve to be said. they should be said and it shouldn’t have taken so many years. that’s something the character has in common with him, feelings that lasted over nine years, feelings that seemed to be disregarded with misunderstandings and differences. feelings that can’t seem to surpass anything but time.
yes... yixing relates too much.
a fake doesn’t last too long.
he seems to have fared well all this time. it’s ironic. the character he chose, the scene he chose, it’s both saddening but painful, eyes could water but there’s still a fearsome anger dwelling in the pit of his stomach, both with himself and the situation.
in front of the casting director, he loses his senses— sense of time, sense of self, and he’s standing there almost bewildered at first when the scene ends but he’s still wrapped up in it, in the formality of the last sentence, in how he’s supposed to call his counterpart. instead of a student in front of a teacher he knew since childhood, yixing sees the household he was raised in, how it was never truly his, and he bows in apology when cut is formally added.
instead of making them fall for his acting skills, he fell into the role, into the scene, into a black pit that he can’t seem to escape time and time again. one he’s dragged others into while he was trying to flee to no avail. today, he’ll try to stay standing (except when he’s asked to wait or leave, probably not a good idea to stand then).
he doesn’t fully recall how they came to this conclusion, who brought up the idea, why it came about, or even what they were thinking other than “that’s it!” when the stylist asks him why he chose a costume that will ultimately cover his face, he has no answer and nothing much to offer other than a cheeky grin and a genuine, very, very, necessary inquiry: “do you think we could make it look like i’m breathing fire when i say pepper breath?” having actual pepper breath, like breath that smells of peppers, doesn’t seem like something he wants.
what he loves most about a company like sphere, a company that is sphere, is that his opinion is taken into account, that he’s listened to. even if he’s not always heard, he feels like he is, like what he says matters and it’s what he’s wanted since he was a child. to be heard, to be seen, to be acknowledged, to be wanted, to be loved. the accusation that he’s heard from time to time that he wants to be an idol for the attention isn’t insulting to him, not when he knows the hard work that goes into it from all sides. from himself, from the staff members that help and support convex, to the fans themselves. how can any of it be insulting?
any attention the costume gets, the few laughs and chuckles he sees from passersbys or photographers, it’s worth it too. slowly, he learns that attention is okay, that getting attention because he’s not doing so well in his personal life is okay, and he realizes that might be one of the reasons woohyun paired up with him for such a goofy costume. because convex’s prince thought he needed it, because they all need a night like this, but please... someone tell him why he got such a weird look the first time he said pepper breath.
《 ★ @seungcheolrk 》 when he enters the dorm, earphones still on, he moves through all the usual motions with ease. taking off his shoes, putting on slippers, training bag left at the side so he can take it into his room after getting a glass of water from the kitchen. it’s the moments after he comes back that he’s the most predictable. today has one small big exception. volume higher than safe for his eardrums, he’s still bopping his head along to the song by fondant fancy as he walks to the fridge.
the first sip is so refreshing he ends up downing the glass almost as quickly as he poured it and in perfect timing for the chorus. eyes closed while he moves his head to the beat, he doesn’t notice the other convex member only a few feet away from him, coincidentally home and near the kitchen just as he starts to dance. starting to sing along, he’s loud because he’s unaware of his own level, dancing around and facing the opposite way so he doesn’t realize until the chorus has already ended and he’s singing along to the next verse, turning back to pour another glass. their eyes meet and yixing could drop the glass in his hand if it wasn’t still technically on the counter. “uh... water?”
《 ★ @rkxroyal 》 the assignment for the month should have him locked in one of the dance practice rooms instead of strumming away at a guitar in one of the practice rooms designed more like a recording studio. there’s melodies, lyrics, rhythms, and beats he can’t keep out of his head. fingers than are more restless than his arms and legs, the ache to write or play overwhelming the ache to dance at the moment. putting the guitar to the side, he stretches his neck, groaning under his breath at how tense his muscles seemed. he might’ve been in the practice room longer than he thought.
on his way out of the room for a break, or an escape, call it what you’d like, he runs into woohyun. grinning widely, he claps a hand on the other’s shoulder. “hyung! were you practicing late? are you heading home right now or taking a breather?” whatever woohyun’s answer is, yixing feels the need to see his hyung smile the way he did, or as close as possible, when they were out of town for the summer concert. there’s nothing like going back home but you can try to ease the homesickness, right?
