#c;1119

[rklandon]

░▐ ★_FALLING 、

there’s one actor in particular that yixing decides he wants to take inspiration from— one actor in particular whose scenes yixing finally connects to in some way, even if it’s not what’s intended, even if those feelings are ones yixing hasn’t wanted to feel in quite some time. 

sentences like “i thought there was something between us” and “words are vain, aren’t they” cut the deepest but they deserve to be said. they should be said and it shouldn’t have taken so many years. that’s something the character has in common with him, feelings that lasted over nine years, feelings that seemed to be disregarded with misunderstandings and differences. feelings that can’t seem to surpass anything but time. 

yes... yixing relates too much. 

a fake doesn’t last too long. 

he seems to have fared well all this time. it’s ironic. the character he chose, the scene he chose, it’s both saddening but painful, eyes could water but there’s still a fearsome anger dwelling in the pit of his stomach, both with himself and the situation. 

in front of the casting director, he loses his senses— sense of time, sense of self, and he’s standing there almost bewildered at first when the scene ends but he’s still wrapped up in it, in the formality of the last sentence, in how he’s supposed to call his counterpart. instead of a student in front of a teacher he knew since childhood, yixing sees the household he was raised in, how it was never truly his, and he bows in apology when cut is formally added. 

instead of making them fall for his acting skills, he fell into the role, into the scene, into a black pit that he can’t seem to escape time and time again. one he’s dragged others into while he was trying to flee to no avail. today, he’ll try to stay standing (except when he’s asked to wait or leave, probably not a good idea to stand then).

[rklandon]

░▐ ★_THE RIVER CALLS 、

why is everything a kiss scene? that was yixing’s main thought as he scrolled through youtube on his phone. naver, eveything gave him kiss scenes when he looked up kdramas and that could be the main problem itself. maybe he shouldn’t look up audition scenes this way but it’s what he had. 

it’s what he thought was easiest to access and he didn’t know if he should ask the others; he didn’t know if it was awkward that it seemed he and hyun were auditioning against each other. should it be? should his competitive nature come out more? would hyun’s competitive nature come out more? acting seemed to be along the lines of what the vocal unit leader wanted than himself. 

acting was... something he dabbled in when he was at sunhwa, something he thought of as fun, but not as natural to him as dancing. what he neglects to see is how much acting went into his everyday life, how much he would pretend this and that was okay, that nothing bothered him, even the teasing words of fellow students whether it was in china or korea. that’s right... it’s nothing in the end, right? it’s not as if their words determine his future, whether or not he graduates, whether or not he becomes an idol. here he is now, despite everything else. but why does that feel empty? 

why does he feel empty? 

right now as he tries to connect to scene after scene, searching for something usable, he doesn’t feel quite right. in fact, he thinks he’s closer to feeling nothing at all and that scares him more. in the end, he lets their manager know he’ll be taking a walk, all precautions to not be noticed or recognized taken as per usual, and he tucks the scarf around his face a bit too, glad that he at least feels the cold. 

[rklandon]

░▐ ★_SPOTLIGHT 、

《 ★ @haseulrk 》  learning of convex’s collab stages with eclipse, yixing swore his heart stopped for a few seconds. what if someone, somewhere within the samsung 5 hierarchy knew how much it affects him? or why. he can’t think of anyone being that cruel when he made what he thought was the right decision. seeing what not making that decision has done to their group, yixing doesn’t think he could go back but fate continues to tie their groups together and he thinks it’s luck that made it so he wasn’t one of the pairings for the springtime-like medley and that jennie wasn’t either. to be honest, he’s surprised most that he has a dance duet instead and with one of the main vocalist. any of the three would’ve meant he wouldn’t be paired with jennie and when he thinks of how the songs would play out, he knows why who was chosen where but it doesn’t change this: he expects eclipse members to hate him if they knew. 

the rehearsal makes him nervous, speaking directly to haseul for the first time makes him nervous, and he gives her a deep bow the first time their paths meet so straight-on. “haseul-sunbae, it’s nice to meet you and work with you like this. an honor,” he tells her with a smile but he realizes after that he’s technically the sunbae and it doesn’t seem right when he knows how long she’s trained, how she was one of the best from season one and it shows in her singing. “i’m sorry we haven’t had the chance to speak properly before. oh, you can call me yixing or lay, whatever’s easiest!”