Toilet learning: Phase 2
So after starting with toilet awareness from birth, and finally getting over our toilet learning hangups, we took the leap to toilet learning phase two: cotton training pants. Here is what that looks like.
1. Prepared environment
Our prepared environment for toilet learning has been set up for a long time, so this isn't something new. I just realized I didn't go over it in detail in my first toilet learning post, so I will do that here.
Our toilet learning area consists of a small toilet with a basket of books and clean undies sitting next to it. We started with a thrifted Baby Bjorn potty (a smaller one-piece toilet, pictured in our first toilet learning post) which was much shorter and easier for her to sit with her feet still on the floor. At some point we switched to the hoppop Donut Potty pictured below (found at TJ Maxx for cheap), which is taller and easier for her to get on and off by herself.
We don't solely keep potty-related books by the toilet, but a few of our favorites include Potty by Leslie Patricelli, My First Body Board Book, and Once Upon A Potty by Alona Frankel (though we do adjust the language a bit as we read - see #7 below for more details about how and why we use accurate toileting language).
Also in the bathroom is the diaper pail (a lined trash can) that used to hold wet diapers and now holds wet undies. We have a toilet reducer for the big toilet as well as a small stool so that she can climb up to the toilet herself, when she is big enough. She still needs help at this point, and honestly chooses her little toilet most, but we like to give her the option. In addition, we have a stool for her to reach the sink to wash her hands when she is finished.
After much deliberation, we did add an extra toilet learning station to the mix. Originally, I wanted to keep toilet learning in the bathroom 100% of the time. I really wanted to keep that association strong. However, I also wanted to make using the toilet as appealing as possible for her, and leaving the room to go to the bathroom was often too great of a transition for her.
So we put up a station in the entryway - which adjoins the kitchen and living room, and is just a few short steps from her play room. This really helps with transitions to the toilet, though we will phase it out soon (I hope). We have already been working at taking her to the bathroom more and more instead of the entryway toilet.
2. No more diapers (during waking hours)
So we did it. We ditched diapers. After some encouragement, we told Charlotte she was now going to wear cotton training pants (though to her they are called underwear or undies). We explained to her that when she needed to pee we would help her to use the toilet. That's it! Not so hard, right?
We use Gerber cotton training pants - size 18 months. They are natural cotton, they are inexpensive, and they don't have any waterproof liner. This part is important. The point here is for her to feel the wetness and the mess that occurs when she wets herself. It is no problem for us (adults) to help her to change her undies and pants. The waterproof liner would only hinder the process as it would keep her from experiencing the wetness on the outside. The undies are moderately absorbent, but again, that really isn't the point.
We do use two diapers per day - one during nap time and one at night. Sometimes she will stay dry during naps but she still pees quite a bit during the night. Phase three will involve getting rid of those two diapers.
3. Scheduled trips to the toilet
As was discussed in my previous post, it is developmentally appropriate for Charlotte (and any child between 1- and 2-years-old) to be able to learn to use the toilet with some assistance and gradually consolidate urination. She is gaining awareness of her body and the control she has over it. Learning when to use the toilet (on her own) will come later and gradually as she learns to read the signs of her body.
So, that means that at this point, we (adults) are initiating trips to the toilet 99% of the time. We take her when she finishes breakfast, before snack, before lunch, after lunch (which is before nap), a little while after nap, and throughout the afternoon and evening as we observe cues. Generally she can hold it anywhere between an hour to two or three, but usually closer to an hour and a half. I always try to take her before I think she is due, to hopefully avoid potential misses. But it's really a guessing game and feeble attempts at observing cues.
4. Make using the toilet inviting and pleasant
The scheduled trips to the toilet started out with me giving her some short notice: "Charlotte, it's time to use the toilet now." That worked for a while, but increasingly she began to resist. It felt like a chore to her and wasn't welcoming. So I have developed a few ways to make trips to the toilet more inviting.
1. Offer a choice
"Would you like to read this book or this book while you sit on the toilet?"
"Would you like to sit on the little toilet or the big toilet?"
"Would you like dad or mom to take you to the toilet?"
2. Let her know what will happen next
"We are going to use the toilet, and then we will get in the car to go see your aunts."
"After you sit on the toilet, we will go outside to play."
"After you sit on the toilet, we will go make some lunch."
3. Give her something to do
"Let's read this book while you sit on the toilet."
"Let's look at pictures while you sit on the toilet."
A few words on asking. It NEVER works to ask Charlotte, "do you need to use the toilet?" She ALWAYS says "no." Children of this age are developing their sense-of-will psychologically. They are learning that they have the power of choice. This is why so many children of this age say "no" to everything. This is a very positive and healthy stage (see Erik Erikson's psychosocial stages of development).
We try to give Charlotte choices, but if we are going to take her to the toilet (or do something else) regardless of her response, we NEVER word it as a question. (A non-toilet related example: "I'm getting hungry. I think it's time for dinner. Let's go make something to eat. Would you like to start with an apple or a pear?" instead of "Are you hungry? Do you want dinner? Do you want something to eat?")
Children of this age do need choices, but not open-ended choices. Open-ended questions put on too much pressure and invite opposition ("no"). Children do need two things to choose from, both of which are safe and appropriate for them to choose. Never offer something as a choice that you aren't willing to give.
All this being said, most of the time, I silently and gently pick Charlotte up to take her to the bathroom, and then give her some choices like I mentioned above.
A fourth and final strategy:
4. Give advanced warning
"In five minutes, I am going to take you to use the toilet."
"After you are finished with your dinner, we are going to use the toilet."
"Before we leave the store, we are going to use the toilet."
This is a strategy that is severely underutilized in our home. Providing advanced warning (multiple times - so at 15, 10, 5, and 1 minute) before doing something, is just a respectful way of communicating what is going to happen. It allows the child to accept the process before it happens. It truly prepares their minds to be more cooperative. This is one that I have a very hard time remembering to implement. I do think these thoughts, but I forget to verbalize them. But I do know that they make transitions SO MUCH smoother.
Note: These are transition strategies that we use, but it's certainly not a comprehensive list. I'm sure the internet and books have tons of great strategies for creating smooth transitions with toddlers - do search and find what works for you. But be certain that these strategies don't include bribes, threats, force, rewards, or punishments.
5. No bribes, threats or forcing
All of the strategies I mentioned above, posed differently, can be bribes or threats. However, there is an important difference in wording that makes all the difference. The goal is to make the toilet inviting, but not to bribe or threaten.
I don't say, "If you sit on the toilet, then you can read a book/go see your aunts" (bribe). I don't say, "If you don't sit on the toilet, we won't go outside or go see your aunts" (threat).
If she doesn't want to sit, I NEVER force her to sit. As much as I can keep from it, I do not spend much time trying to convince her to sit either. It is her choice. I do try to make it inviting, but I work hard not to coerce or force.
Children catch on very quickly to coercion. They don't like it. They want it to be their choice, their accomplishment. And it is. All hers.
6. Natural consequences, no punishments or rewards
So what happens when she pees/poops in her pants?
She gets wet. She usually says "uh oh." And I acknowledge. "You went pee" or "you peed in your pants" (with no shame or look of disapproval). "Pee goes in the toilet. Let's get you to the toilet." Then, I calmly take her to the toilet, remove her wet pants, and allow her to sit, in case she isn't finished. When she is done we put her wet undies and pants in the pail, wipe her up, put on clean undies and pants, and then go and wipe up any pee that dripped onto the floor. All of this is very matter-of-fact. No shame involved. It is the natural consequence.
We DO NOT get her "in trouble" for wetting herself-not even negative voices or looks. We work very hard at staying neutral during this process. It is VERY IMPORTANT not to evoke feelings of shame here. The child is learning. It is a process. There is nothing to be shameful about. In fact, there are very negative consequences of inflicting shame on a child during this process (just research Erik Erikson's second stage of psychosocial development).
So, what happens when she pees/poops in the toilet?
We don't whoop and holler and skip and jump up and down. We don't tell her "good job." We simply say, "You did it. You peed on the toilet!" And we give her the opportunity to look and feel proud of herself. She gets to dump the pee into the toilet and flush it (though many times she is ready to go back to playing so we do that part for her).
The accomplishment of peeing/pooping in the toilet is hers alone. If we were to praise her, we would be putting the attention towards ourselves and creating a need for external praise, which is simply unnecessary and counterproductive. Acknowledgement is enough.
7. Accurate toileting language
We have always used accurate toileting language with Charlotte, just as we use accurate language in other areas of life. We don't talk in baby-talk or create pet names for things. We don't say "potty," "pee pee," "poo poo," "poopie," or whatever else.
We refer to urine as pee, because that's what we call it as adults. We refer to poop as poop, because that's what we call it as adults (I realize that feces or bowel movement is more scientifically correct, but in our culture we never use those words, so we use the one we are accustomed to). We refer to the toilet as the toilet, because that's what we call it as adults. We refer to her vulva and butt, because that is what they are. She doesn't pee out of her vagina, so we don't call it that. Technically she pees out of her urethral orifice (opening of her urethra), but generally she refers to her whole genital area so we call it her vulva (which is the technical term for all the external genital parts of a female). "Butt" is just short for buttocks. Sometimes we will say bottom or buns, just out of habit (Again, I realize anus is probably more scientific, but I never use that word myself, so it doesn't make sense to me to use it with her. Perhaps when she gets older and more specific in referring to her body parts we can introduce more scientific words.).
Read more on how we approach anatomy, here.
8. Special care with toileting on-the-go
When we ditched diapers during the day, that included when we leave the house. We put a waterproof pad in Charlotte's car seat and pack enough undies, pants, and socks to keep us prepared for any misses while we are out. We purchased a Pottette Plus travel toilet with the reusable liner for her to use when we are out of the house. It folds up small and can be stored in the diaper bag (though the reusable liner is still pretty big).
We take her to the toilet before leaving our house, and if she doesn't go then, we take her when we arrive at our destination, or when we leave to come home. Depending on when in those times she goes, we take her again when we arrive home. If we are gone for an extended period of time, we take her every hour and a half or so. Generally she holds it longer when we are out and about than she does at home. I cannot remember the last time we had an accident on-the-go.
9. And finally...
The final piece of this puzzle is to encourage communication from her to use the toilet. We taught her the ASL sign for toilet, and sign when we take her (in addition to speaking verbally with her about it). She picked it up within a few days of us beginning to use it. She knows that the sign means toilet and she knows how to use it.
While I refrain from asking if she needs to go (see above under #4 where I elaborate on why), I DO provide her the opportunity to tell me if she feels the need to go. I will say, "Let me know if you need to use the toilet." or "Tell me (while signing) if you need to use the toilet and I will take you."
She has started signing more and more when she needs to go. Granted, sometimes she does it to "get out" of whatever she doesn't want to be doing at the time - eating dinner, going to bed, for example. However, we ALWAYS take her if she says she needs to go. Even if she didn't need to go, she needs to know that when she asks to use the toilet, that we will take her. Also, it can be her way of saying that she is done (with her meal, for example) and ready to use the toilet, since she knows that is the next step (though we often remind her that she needs to wash her hands first).
She has even started telling us mid-pee. She will go a tiny bit and then stop herself, tell us, and finish on the toilet. We always tell her, "you started to go in your pants but then you stopped. Now you can finish on the toilet."
She feels proud when she goes on the toilet. She stands up and looks in to see. She has even started to say "I did it," to which I respond, "you did, you peed on the toilet," with a smile.
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I'm sure you're wondering how it's going, as in, how she is doing with this transition. And honestly, I really find it important to keep from judging her progress based on the number of misses or the number of 100% dry days or how quickly she is learning.
She is learning. It is all about her, and it is not for you (or me) to judge. I am only here to provide the opportunity for her to learn.
That said, I find that she is doing beautifully. She is certainly learning. She does stay dry most of the time, especially when we are at home (just me and her) and when we are out and about. I do have to remember to stay on top of taking her frequently. She struggles a bit more at Grandma's house and when Dad is home for long periods of time (like the weekends). I think she gets too excited in those situations and has a harder time cooperating because she wants to play. But I am here for her during this learning process, as long as it takes. When she does master it, it will be her accomplishment alone.
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Well, that's it! I hope you have enjoyed peering into our toilet learning journey. Stay tuned for more updates and thanks for reading!