Important Announcement
I, pleb-king domicus, am pleased to relay to you, my loyal pleb-followers, that my belief in Cagenism (the belief that Nicolas Cage is our one true god) has finally passed beyond the realm of religion and is now wading into the spectrum of science by my hand. However, let me discuss my background on this subject.
When I was a junior in high school, I felt lost among the “believers.” They spoke of their gods with a fervor I could not match. “Oh my fucking God,” they would say, and “Jesus fucking Christ.” Such enigmatic, powered incantations of a faith, whose connection felt distant to me, left me wanting to believe in something. So, I attempted to call out on my own, praising a seemingly indifferent lord with “sweet baby Jesus’s.” Nothing came of it, at first. After many heavenly babes were sugared, I had finally given up all hope. He, however, finally answered.
God spoke to me in my sleep, spreading a tranquil sensation all over me. He saw my pious actions, saw how much I wanted to please Him in order to please myself. He also saw how I had given up, which displeased Him - however, I was to be forgiven; I was to be rewarded. What once was a golden breeze passing through the annals of my dream revealed itself to be the floating visage of Nicolas Cage. He remained for a second before I had awoken blessed. I knew what had to be done.
The following day, during a school lunch period of mine, I browsed the web through the computer terminals there looking for a way that would allow me to begin my path to priesthood in the name of Cage; I eventually found a website allowing just that. The Christian National Church would bequeath minister-ship to anyone, so long as they pronounced devout faith in God; and so I did, in the name of Nicolas Cage, the One True God. They granted me free minister-ship, and, ever since then, I’ve been in a minister under the gaze of the Lord with the ability to legally marry people in the name of Nicolas Cage. This path I have taken has, of recent date, sparked a scientific theory that I am inclined to believe.
After much consideration, I have come to the conclusion that, through a deliberation that coincided with Cagenism, the Earth is flat, and not the pseudo-sphere that the propagandists of the Hellenist/Hellenistic eras, alongside Ferdinand Magellan, would have you believe - no, I refute this theory of a mostly-spherical Earth. I, through my priestly consensus, choose to support the theory that Earth is actually a disc, guarded by the Firmament - a dome covering our flat earth to separate the oceans above the Earth from the oceans below. WIth this in mind, I hereby conjoin my theological viewpoint of Cagenism with the scientific observations of the Flat Earth Society. Soon, I will be the 555th member of this glorious group. I invite my friends to share in my enlightenment and my enemies to pike themselves on top of a globe.
Also, the Moon Landings never happened. It’s all a Hollywood hoax.
