six months without him. each day slower than the last, almost torturously so, the pain of it all settling deep in the marrow of her bones. it resided there now, multiplying the longer they spent apart. eventually, she’s become numb to it, grown accustomed to the dull, cavernous ache; the shattered pieces of her heart rattling around like loose change in her chest. dealing with the pain of losing him never grows easier, by any means, just more manageable. it helps that she’s an expert at pretending that everything’s amazing, even when it’s not; when that couldn’t be further from the truth. she pretends to focus on work, on her friends, on her relationship with ben. from the outside, she appears perfectly normal –– picture perfect, even, just like her parents taught her. but behind closed doors, she’s a wreck, a completely broken version of herself. she’s bottled so much inside by now that she’s practically choking on it every time she speaks, every laugh fizzling out like a malfunctioning firework. she’s never felt lonelier, even with a warm body sleeping next to her most nights. it wasn’t right –– it would never be right, no matter who it was next to her, if it wasn’t him. miller. his name echoed throughout her mind; waking her from a dead sleep, following her down every empty hallway like a ghost. she’s haunted –– reliving every moment of their last conversation again and again, until she’s raw, until she simply can’t anymore. can’t even channel it onto a canvas –– because what’s the point, if she can’t share it with him ? sure, it gave her purpose, kept her sane, but he’s the only one who ever believed in her, who ever understood her passion. maybe she just couldn’t stomach the thought of finishing something, and having no one to call, no one to share it with. just as she predicted, her world lacked so much color without him in it. and it’s especially gray tonight, with ben plucking a new topic to fight about out of thin air, his new favorite past time as of late. it ends with her laying on the floor, like always, alone, trying to figure out why it felt like everything was crumbling at her feet, why she couldn’t just be happy. she couldn’t calm herself down, couldn’t stop the tears that cascaded down her cheeks –– and all she could think about was miller, how nice it would be to feel his arms around her one more time, to hear him tell her it’s okay. and suddenly, as if she’s on auto-pilot, she’s bursting out into the pouring rain, trekking block upon block to make her way to his apartment. by the time she arrives to knock on his door, she’s soaked to the bone and shivering, like a lost dog that’s finally found its way home. it doesn’t matter, though –– not when she sees him. breath catches in her chest at the sight of him, finally feeling her heart beat after six months of silence, after wondering if she even has a heart at all, anymore. “ um, hi, ” she begins, unsure what she should say, after all this time. doesn’t want to worry him, but her features don’t lie, expression full of pain. “ i’m sorry, i –– i just didn’t know where else to go. ” // @caligiinous.
