It’s Not Right But It’s OK
Doesn’t have the ending I want, but I’m sick of looking at it. <3 <3 <3 <3 Boyfriend!Calum w/ a side of Cheater!Calum An arm, attached to the body of the man you loved, weighed on your mid-section as you laid in this king size bed. In an effort to make sure he stayed asleep, you withdrew your body from him slowly, gently placing his arm on the bed once your feet were safe on the ground. After 2 years of resenting him for being a heavy sleeper, you find yourself thankful for the quality in this moment. Not wanting to face him again just yet, you quickly remove yourself from the dark room with windows covered by black-out curtains.
When you stumble into the kitchen, you are met with evidence of a night out. Shot glasses, and liquor bottles decorate the counter-top. It’s easy to spot your shot glass. Not only because it’s got a Princess crown on it, but because it’s the only one with bright pink lipstick on it,
“Your signature color,” Calum had commented, kissing the corner of your mouth when you came to join everyone in the kitchen. He pulled you close with his arms around your waist, whispering into your ear, “There’s only one place I like seeing it more than your lips.”
You had giggled in the moment, playfully nudging him away. You had known exactly what his dirty mind was thinking, and it had made you excited to come home after a night of drinking with his friends. As you stood in the kitchen now, on the morning after, you knew that the dirty sex you had wanted to partake in with your boyfriend hadn’t taken place, instead replaced by an argument.
You found yourself in the ladies room, alone until you were joined by another with similar hair and eyes. Due to the amount of alcohol you had consumed, you complimented her top, a black lace number with red underlay.
When you heard her mumble back, “Your boyfriend loved it on the floor of his hotel room, too,” you asked her to repeat herself, you were taken back when she didn’t back down, instead producing video evidence of your very blonde boyfriend making out with her in what looked like a very public place.
While you knew this video didn’t prove the pair had sex, it did prove that another women had touched the blonde hair you had loved so much. This thought pushed forward the memory of when you first came home to that new hair, giggling and running your hands through it, claiming you had a new boyfriend. ADD DETAIL HERE That had sparked sex in the? In that moment, your memory of sex with Calum didn’t matter. Afterall, this woman was flaunting video evidence of his infidelity in your face as if she wasn’t destroying everything you knew. She instead looked satisfied with herself.
“I just wanted you to know,” she looked at your head tilted to the side, no trace of empathy in her eyes.
Not wanting to give her the satisfaction of seeing you rattled, you smiled back, pit in your stomach, and stupidly prayed that Calum had a good answer for this. You lied through your teeth, “Just started dating him a few weeks ago, and his hair has always been dark. Good to know we’re eskimo sisters,” you laughed harnessing every portion of sober you had, while taking so much effort considering the amount of shots that had already been consumed, “Feels so great to sleep with a popstar, am I right?”
Unsatisfied with her loss, she left the bathroom as your world shattered. Looking at yourself in the mirror, you began to shake, “This can’t be happening.” You shook your head from side to side, hoping something in your world would change. You found yourself praying that the last few moments hadn’t happened, instead wishing you could go back to living in ignorant bliss. Knowing what that truly meant, you found yourself putting your best face on, shuffling back to the booth where you had left everyone. Approaching the table, Calum smiles in your direction.
“Took you long enough. Want another drink?” Calum asked, pulling you close to him with one arm around your waist. He attempted to kiss your temple, but missed when you dodged the gesture, hoping to avoid any contact with him for the rest of the night.
“No drink, thank you,” you stood in a spot between him and Michael, not making eye contact. Never one for conflict in front of others, an effort you both made to save face, Calum didn’t pry but looked confused as he joined a conversation with Luke, and Ash about ordering more shots.
With the knot in your stomach, it was difficult to remain upbeat, so it only took moments for Michael to lean over, asking if you were “OK”. “I’m good,” you had answered, smiling back at him, more to convince yourself than him, which you knew was the sad reality of your life in the moment. Despite the truth you now knew, you were internalizing the worst kind of pain, in an attempt to salvage a good night. Due to his action, you found yourself taking solace in the fact that eventually he too would be in pain, hurt by what you knew.
With a pat on your thigh, Michael turned away with a smile. Looking at the others in the conversation, you had prayed for a good explanation, but your optimism was cut short when you remembered the 6 months following Calum’s blonde hair.
“The rough patch,” you whispered out loud, drawing attention from Calum.
As you stood there in shock, remembering how difficult the months with blonde Calum had been, you recognized the looks of worry on your tablemates’ faces. Following their eyes, you had realized their attention wasn’t on you, but instead behind you. WIthout turning, you suspected that the girl with similar hair and eyes was standing behind you with her black lace shirt, and red underlay. The look on not only Calum’s face, but Ash, Luke, and Michael’s face spoke volumes, confirming what you had hoped wasn’t true.
Calum had cheated on you.
“What are you guys all looking at?” impressing yourself with how well you were holding it together.
Luke and Ashton began opposite sentences, trying to come up with a good story, but neither were successful, so you moved your eyes to Calum’s. He looked as though he was going to be sick. His face was bright red, and he had begun to sweat. You turned to confirm what you suspected, seeing the girl with similar hair and eyes laughing with her friends. After making eye contact, you were aware that you could no longer hide. Stuck in your worst nightmare, in a very public place, you turned back to the members of the table, you made eye contact with Calum, “Who is she?” you asked, voice shaking, directing the question towards Calum.
You no longer cared about the girl with similar hair, and eyes, all that mattered in that moment were the next words that he created, “I don’t know. I’m not sure who she is,” you were disappointed to hear the lie continue, wishing you hadn’t seen what you had, because you wanted to be blinded with love enough to trust him.
You turned to Ashton. He had been your first friend in LA, and the one to introduce you to Calum. At that moment, you could tell by the look in his eyes, that he was begging you not to ask him a word about the girl. This piled hurt onto your heart, confirming what you had feared in the bathroom. His friends, people you had considered your friends knew about his infidelity all along. How had none of them convinced your boyfriend to tell you about it after it happened?
Redirecting the question to the entire table, you hoped one of them would speak up. When they didn’t, you spoke up more, louder this time, “Who is she?” If Calum was unwilling to admit what he had done, you were going to force someone else into it.
It seemed as though time stood still, as seconds passed by, Luke finally spoke up, “She’s a friend of Sierra’s. I’ll go say hi,” you look on in confusion, unsure if it’s a lie. When Luke hugs the girl, it’s confirmed that he does know her. It forces you to wonder if this is how Calum had met her? Through someone you thought to also be your friend, Sierra.
When it became obvious that Luke was asking her a question she didn’t like, her face turned angry, and you saw her look in your direction. Breaking eye contact with her, you had looked to Calum, who had moved his eyes from his drink up to the scene with Luke unfolding. The girl began shouting towards your table, and you felt forced to speak up, to end this before things got out of hand. While your friends continued their deceit, you couldn’t continue falling victim to it.
“Calum,” you hissed, “I know you slept with her. She told me in the bathroom,” you said it loud enough for only him to hear, but could feel the eyes of everyone on you. In another attempt to save face, you sighed loudly, and closed your eyes, blinking back tears in an attempt to take hold of your emotions, and continued, “Please go save your friend. I’ll be outside. I’m going to call an Uber, and if you aren’t there by the time it gets here, I’m going home without you.”
The look on his face spoke volumes about this moment. Luke appeared to be arguing with the girl with similar hair and eyes as you walked by to exit the bar. He looked surprised to see you leaving, and with Calum hot on your tail, you were sure it wouldn’t be long before he knew what was going on.
When you made it outside, you called an Uber, desperate to get out of here before the others made it to you. You immediately felt frustrated recognizing the cameras outside. With sunglasses on your face, you slipped past. You weren’t the one they were after, instead hoping for a photo of any member of 5SOS. As you took your spot on a nearby corner, you took inventory on how you were feeling. Drunk. Sad. Warm. Angry. Broken-hearted. Spiteful. Wishing Calum never exited that bar. Wishing Calum never existed. Wishing you didn’t exist.
A tear slipped down your cheek, as you heard the camera shutter click.. He’d typically wait inside for a car to come, but you knew you hadn’t given him much of an option with your ultimatum inside.
He politely handled the cameras, then came to join you on the corner. He stood close, but didn’t say a word instead taking your lead. You typically found yourself afraid of silence, instead opting for small talk with anyone, but always him. You loved to randomly ask him about his favorites, checking to see if they had changed, but in this moment, you knew you wouldn’t be able to speak without crying, so silence was what you chose. And it spoke volumes.
The silence continued through your shared Uber Ride. It had marked the single most awkward interaction for anyone in the car, including the driver. Never one to let the person who had hurt your feelings see you cry, you were fearful of speaking. Your inner voice was mocking you, reminding you of every insecurity you had ever held while dating a pop-star. That voice reminded you of the unflattering pap photos that had been taken two weeks ago, and the fact that the headline suggested you had gained weight. Had that been why he cheated? The voice accused Calum of being a liar, while your heart continued to hope he wasn’t. What types of words had he said to not only her, but other girls in the dark? Had he spoken the truth or was he lying the entire time?
As you stood in the kitchen of his home, you realized you had been on auto-pilot getting here.
“Babe,” he started the sentence with a pet name, moving closer to you. He attempted to make physical contact with you by touching your shoulders. You dodged his touch, instead pushing your back against the counter top, and crossing your arms. You were shaking with emotion, but you were unsure if it was sadness or anger. You didn’t make eye contact with him, needing to avoid it for fear of crying. He sighed and moved back to his original space across the island from you. He placed his hands on the counter, and looked you in the eyes. You could tell he wasn’t sober, and as he spoke, you could tell he was upset with himself, “It all happened so fast. Things weren’t - ya know, they weren’t going well with us. You wanted me to commit, and I- I was having a hard time with it,” you had moved your eyes to meet his, which he took as a sign to continue, “It’s not right, I know, but when I woke up the next morning, I immediately wanted to tell you, but - but the guys they didn’t think it was right, and so I didn’t, but that morning I knew I didn’t want to lose you so I came home, and ya know, I asked you to move in here, and things got so much better for us.”
For a moment you were beginning to forgive him, but upon his final words, you furrowed your eyebrows, confused.
He was right. It had been a turning point for the couple, it had also been a favorite memory of yours. Every conversation during that tour had been you wanting Calum to really commit. You didn’t want to get married, you didn’t even want to get engaged, you just wanted to quit paying two separate amounts for living spaces. It only made sense to you, spending more time at his house than at yours, meant that when you did try to spend the night at your place, it no longer felt like home. It also felt like the next step to you after a year of dating.
But for Calum he hadn’t been ready. You were unsure why, but you had felt firm in your beliefs, never failing to bring it up no matter where you were at. A romantic weekend in New York, the last time you had seen Calum before he returned home had ended in you choosing to break-up, but deciding against it at the last minute, citing stress of distance as a reason for your ever present annoyance with one another. Boarding separate flights, you had kissed goodbye at a security checkpoint, and vowed to really work on the relationship, but until he returned home from tour, neither of you truly made time for the other. Instead both of you had used work as an excuse, free times never lining up.
On the day he was returning home, you had been anxious in a negative way the entire week. On the day of, you could barely focus, sure you were going to go home and get broken up with, but instead you were surprised when you had returned home to a homemade dinner, followed by hot and dirty oral sex in the middle of the dining room table. When you had asked him what the occasion was, he hadn’t answered, “I’m trying to make up for the fact that I cheated on you”, instead opting for something sexier along the lines of, “I just couldn’t wait to taste you.”
The following days after his return were a whirl wind of hot sex, multiple orgasms, and so many words of affirmation that had caused you to feel terrible for ever doubting that Calum really cared for you. A week into his return home on your first date night since he had come home, he had pushed you against a wall, grabbed your thigh, and pushed himself into you so that his semi was lined up with your core. Excited by his bold move, you had moved to kiss him, but instead he stopped you, placing 1 finger to your lips with a “shhh”. You took a deep breath, and waited for him to continue, “Move in with me.” The words had knocked you into a state of bliss, having wanted him to speak them for months. You answered him with a hot, passionate kiss, pushing against him even harder.
To know now that it was clouded in his mind with the guilt he had felt for cheating was doing no wonders for silencing your inner voice that was continuing it’s assault on your self-esteem. Choosing for you the next words, “Did you ask me to move in because you fucked another girl?”
