better left unsaid // cth
chapter two
in which orion has leukemia, and calum doesn’t know.
chapter zero, one
july 13, 2018
los angeles, california
calum
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When we wrap up our final rehearsal for the week, the boys and I are both hyped for tour and drained from the whole thing before it’s even started. We’re all sweaty and eager to go home, yet we can’t manage to actually say goodbye to each other in the parking lot at our rehearsal facility.
It’s funny, seven years of spending practically every minute with these guys and I still find myself wanting to spend more time with them. I guess that’s family.
“What’s on the agenda for you and O tonight, Cal?” Ashton asks and leans against his car. He’s probably the sweatiest out of all of us, but to be honest, we’re all drenched.
I can’t help but smile when I think of her. “She’s been feeling kinda sick lately, so I was just gonna grab some ramen from that place near our apartment and we’ll just take an easy night in.”
“Ah, right before tour? Better not catch whatever she’s got,” Mike quips. “Maybe you should quarantine from each other.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m not quarantining from my girlfriend two weeks before I leave her for four months, especially not when she feels like shit.”
Mike mouths “whipped” to me before Luke intervenes. I pretend to whack Mike over the head and ruffle his hair. I know he’s just kidding, but he’s not wrong, so I wouldn’t actually care if he wasn’t.
“Alright, alright, cut it out you two. I’m calling it—let’s all go home now. See you on Monday morning.” Luke doesn’t wait for any of us to reply before he gets into his car and slams the door behind himself.
The rest of us laugh at his quick departure from the conversation but also take it as the end for us all. Mike and Ash give me a sweaty half hug before we’re all clambering into our own cars, mine the shittiest by far. This tank goes through gas at a rate that may honestly be illegal in California, but it’s my car and I love it. Besides, it runs. I get from point A to point B—what else do I need?
Orion. Ramen. That’s what I need.
The journey back to the heart of LA, including the pit stop at O’s favorite vegan ramen shop, takes me about an hour and a half. Actually, I guess it’s her second favorite. There was one in Madrid that she went to all the time that had a Winnie the Pooh sign, so naturally it became her favorite. That one was also far cheaper than any of the options in LA.
I park my shitty Jeep in the parking garage, next to her less shitty but equally beat up Honda Civic. The girl hits curbs and “bonks” other cars as she parallel parks all the time. Naturally that’s taken a toll on her car.
I swipe my fob to enter the building and nod to the security officer in the lobby.
If it weren’t for Orion going to UCLA, I probably wouldn’t live in such a central location, for safety reasons. When we decided to move in together, I didn’t want her to have to drive over an hour stuck in traffic to go to campus every day. Going from living on campus and being able to run to class 5 minutes before it starts is a big shift from living in an apartment, so I wanted it to be as easy as possible for her.
Thus, we live in a super secure building in Santa Monica with 24/7 onsite officers and fob entry for the parking garage and the building.
I take the elevator up to our floor and feel myself start to get giddy at the excitement of coming home to her. It’s so silly—we live together, have been together for two years, and yet I still get nervous to see her.
When I open the door to the apartment, Duke is waiting for me and I hear the sounds of a show playing on the TV in the living room.
“I come bearing gifts,” I call out and set our food on the entryway table while I kick off my shoes.
I’m met with silence.
“O, where are you?”
More silence.
I start walking through our home, looking for signs of life, but end up finding her curled up in a massive blanket on the couch, sleeping. She’s not wearing any makeup and her hair is dirty, pulled into a messy knot on top of her head. She looks adorable, but she must still feel kind of sick. She had gone to the doctor today since she keeps getting these bugs, constantly having a fever and feeling sick, then feeling better, but then the sickness comes back a few weeks later.
I carefully crawl onto the couch and gently lift her legs to lay across my lap, trying not to wake her up, but just wanting to be closer to her. My efforts are fruitless and she stirs, her eyes cracking open sleepily. When she sees me, she smiles.
“Hi,” she says quietly. “How was rehearsal?”
My shoulders rise and fall in a shrug. “Same old. How’re you feeling? Did the doctor have anything helpful?”
She sighs and shakes her head. “Not really, they took some blood samples and stuff to send off to a lab. They think it’s just a bug, maybe a weakened immune system for whatever reason—they said the blood test could help indicate a bunch of different things.”
I frown. She’s been feeling kinda crappy every few weeks for months now. “I’m sorry they don’t have an answer yet. I brought you ramen.”
And just like that, there’s life in her face and light in her eyes while she beams at me. “You’re the best ever.”
Orion sits up and scoots closer to me and lazily drapes her arms over my shoulders. Her brown eyes gaze into mine and she gives me a quick kiss, pulling away too soon for my liking.
“Just one? I brought you noodles!”
She giggles — my favorite sound — and then she’s kissing me again, her lips smooth and soft with her favorite lip balm. It’s birthday cake flavored and she’s gifted me a few tubes whenever she makes me random gift baskets. I’ve gotten shit from the guys for it since it has glitter in it, but who wouldn’t want to think of their girl every time they put on a layer of lip balm?
“Thank you for bringing me noodles.”
“Anything for you,” I say, giving her another kiss. She beams her bright smile at me and then rests her forehead on my shoulder while pulling me into a hug. “Want to eat and then we can take a shower?”
“That may be the best idea you’ve ever had,” Orion says, pulling me even closer to her than I already am, trying to get rid of any space there is between us.
—
A few hours later, we’re back on the couch, the sunset shining into our place through the windows, casting a warm glow over the entire space. We’re all tangled up in a mess of limbs and blanket and pillows; Orion is playing some silly game on her phone and I’m half paying attention to an episode of Brooklyn 99 on the TV. I know I have two more weeks here, but I can’t help but dread the thought of leaving Orion for months at a time. With her classes and our minimal breaks on this tour, we probably won’t get to see each other at all until after the tour is over.
We started out long distance, sort of, since we weren’t in the same place the whole time but saw each other frequently, but we haven’t been touring since the Sounds Live, Feels Live Tour ended a year and a half ago, so we haven’t really had to deal with being apart. I’m not worried about going long distance—Orion and I are stronger and happier than ever. I’m really just going to miss her… so much.
I’m thankful that tour is so crazy busy usually, so the time apart should fly by, and we’ll be having a great time playing shows every night and exploring different cities and meeting all the fans. I just wish O could come with us, but I’d never ask her to take a semester off. Her education is so important to her and I admire her for it, but I do almost want her to try a semester off now. Once she’s done with undergrad and is in law school, she definitely won’t be able to visit on tour, but that’s a problem for future us, I suppose.
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but mine is already growing fonder from a mere few inches away. I don’t need more distance.
“What are you thinking about?” Orion’s soft voice interrupts my thoughts.
“No thoughts,” I say, tracing circles on her back. “Head empty.”
She chuckles, but I feel her gaze boring into my face, studying me. “Don’t lie. I know you zoned out.”
I swear sometimes she knows me better than I know myself. Every gift she buys me is completely her own idea—she’s never once asked for ideas or guidance and it’s always something I didn’t know existed but I needed or something I simply needed or wanted. She remembers everything I’ve ever liked at every restaurant we have been to and she knows every word to our songs, which I can’t even say I do. She can tell when I’m drained from being around people and will offer for us to leave before I’ve even had a chance to realize I’m ready to go.
Seen. Known. Loved. I’ve never felt more love from anyone than I have felt from Orion.
“Nothing, really, just being sad about leaving you for a few months,” I reply. When I look down at her, she’s pouting at me with sad eyes.
“Stop being sappy,” she goes. She then rolls her eyes. “It’s not gonna be fun at all to tour the world with your best friends and perform music you wrote to thousands of adoring fans and fulfill your lifelong dream.”
This time I roll my eyes. “Of course it’ll be fun, but that doesn’t mean I can’t miss you at the same time!”
“Even if you were here, I’ll be so wrapped up in LSAT prep and law school apps and classes, you wouldn’t get to spend much time with me anyway.” I know she’d be busy, but we’d be in the same space, sharing the same air, sleeping in the same bed. She’s right though, just the amount of LSAT prep she’s been doing with some of the other kids on the pre-law track over the summer took up an insane amount of her time.
Oh, Orion. Even though she lives her life through emotion and feeling, she still somehow can be logical and rational when it counts, almost to a fault.
“I’m still gonna miss you, so, so much,” I clarify. We lock eyes, and I know that we both know that it’ll be a bittersweet few months apart.
“You won’t miss me. I’ll be just as annoying as I am normally, just from a distance. I can promise you that!”
I crack a smile. “Oh yeah, you’re so annoying. Leaving your contacts on the side of the sink and using the espresso machine at ungodly early hours of the day. Always texting me to bring you a snack between classes. Giving Duke a kiss before me when you get home. Honestly, I can’t stand you.”
She scoffs and lightly taps her hand against my face in a mock slap. “Wow, so you’re leaving me and insulting me all in the same breath? Hit me while I’m down, why don’t you?”
“Hey, you called yourself annoying. I’m just supporting you here.”
“Fine, I’ll stop bringing you coffee in bed then.”
“Wait, no, no, no, I take it all back, please use the espresso machine while I’m still asleep.”
Orion looks at me with her big brown eyes, so round and gleaming with light, staring at me with pure adoration. “I’m gonna miss you.”
I gasp. “I thought you just said that won’t be happening!”
“Oh my god, just stop talking and kiss me!” She laughs and flips over so our chests are pressed together and I can pull her even closer.
read chapter three
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a/n: hi hi. idk what i’m doing here getting back into writing is hard :’) happy friday folks















