Come Home
summary: the one where the stress of being a mother gets to you and cameron isn’t there.
word count: 9.4k
pairing: cameron cade x black!reader
warnings: angstyyyy, raising your voice at your kid, mental breakdown, mentions of blood/injury, parental life, this is pure domestic cameron
a/n: taking a break from smut to dish out some angst!
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Let’s be real.
Life isn’t going easy for anyone right now, even when you’re the wife of thee Cameron Cade.
You two didn’t live above your means, going for a comfortable life rather than flashy. Using the extra funds to invest into your twins.
The four of you lived a white picket fence life with a nice two story home and a cute SUV rather than an unnecessarily large, expensive mansion and 25 different sports cars.
But even with life being comfortable for you and your family, there were days where it just felt like everything was collapsing around you.
You know how blessed you are, you felt as if you had no right to complain but you’re human and you’re at your wit’s end.
“I want papa!!!” Noa shouts as you sit her down to eat her breakfast, “I don’t want your pancakes! I want papa’s pancakes!!!”
She squealed so loud, hitting that note that had you cringing and ready to burst into tears.
“Honey, please. Papa isn’t here, he’s working.”
Her big brown eyes look up at you and she dramatically gags as if your pancakes are repulsive.
She loved them yesterday…
“Nyla, please come sit down” you plead with your other daughter as she ran around the living room with sunglasses on. Her hair was all over the place and she had yellow sunflower pants on with bright green polka dotted rain boots- she was your wild one.
“No!” Nyla shouts, looking at the tv to dance along to the music.
“I dont want these!” Noa screams, she begins to cry and you swear you’re about faint. Stress begins to blanket itself over your body in a blistering heat.
“Noa, you need to eat. Please” you whine, kneeling down to her to wipe her tears, “I swear they’re just like papa’s, it’s his recipe.”
“No! No, no, nooooooo!!!” She thrashes in her chair and you have to rest your arm upon the edge of the table so she doesn’t hit her head.
“If you don’t eat, we can’t have a tea party. Come on, honey, just eat the pancakes.”
Nyla begins stomping on the carpeted floor in the living room, throwing you off guard, finally pushing you over the edge of sensory overload-
“Nyla Mae!” You didn’t mean to shout, you never shout at your girls, never wanting to train their nervous system to fear you, “Sit. Down!”
Her face falls, Noa’s eyes go wide when she hears the bass in your voice, immediately eating her pancakes while her eyes look between you and twin her sister.
Nyla pouts and her chin trembles and shame shrouds your face when you see her little brown eyes water.
“Hey,” you walk near her and she moves out of your way, the action making your stomach drop. Neither Noa nor Nyla have ever backed away from you in such a way.
“I’m sorry,” you kneel on the ground and search her face, knowing immediately that you messed up, “I’m sorry, Gumdrop. Mama doesn’t yell, that wasn’t nice. I’m so sorry.”
There was a tremble in your voice, feeling so ashamed that you snapped. You made it your mission to never raise your voice at or around your kids and this exact reaction is precisely why.
You had your arms wide, welcoming her in for a hug and she takes a few steps forward and you think all is well. That is until she walks right past you and to her seat at the table beside her twin sister.
Your head falls in defeat while you try to will away the tears.
“Fuck.” You whisper, fingertips digging in your eyes. A deep breath is taken and just as you release it, you flinch at the sound of your phone ringing.
Cameron’s ringtone fills the air and Noa squeals, knowing who it is.
“It’s papa! It’s papa!” She bounces in her chair, her little afro puffs bobbing along. Her bright smile is a stark contrast of Nyla’s sullen expression.
You quickly stand and hand the phone to your daughters, knowing he’s calling to talk to them anyway.
“Papaaaaaaaa!!!” Noa’s happy squeal bounces off the walls, waving at him after she sets the phone up on the table center piece.
“Jellybeaaaannn!” His laughter spills from the speaker and any other time you’d fine solace in his voice but right now it’s causing your shoulders to tense up.
You know duty calls but you could really use him being here right now.
“We miss you!”
You silently make your plate of breakfast despite not even being hungry anymore. You peer over at Nyla and she has dried tears on her face despite smiling at the phone.
You wish you were the cause for her smile. It’s eating away at you that you’re not.
“Are you two being good?” Cameron asks, knowing that with him being gone a little more often, a lot has been put on you.
“Yeah but mama made Nywa cwy.”
Your head falls in your hands at her little tattling. But her voice is so soft and sweet so it still tugs at your heart strings.
“Oh my poor baby,” Cameron coos when Nyla completely emerges into the screen, “I’m sorry, Gumdrop. Why you cryin?”
“She yelled at me.” She frowns and rubs her eyes as if to rub the sadness away.
“Where is mama now?” He asks and your curse under your breath. Those girls have him wrapped around their finger.
The girls point to you as if he can see you but Noa gets up to hand you the phone
“I fink you’re in twouble” she shrugs before going back to the table to eat.
“Hey, baby” he smiles when he sees you and you do your best to return it with just as much energy but it’s hard right now.
“Hey, Cam. Listen, there’s context to the entire situation.”
“Yeah but we never raise our voices at the girls, baby. We swore they wouldn’t grow up like that.”
You turn to the girls to see them finally eating, so you take this as a chance to step away.
“It wasn’t even like that.” You tried to reason, “They weren’t listening a-and I just got overloaded-“
“That’s when we walk away.”
Now.
You know he didn’t mean it in the way you’re taking it. You know it’s just because you’re on edge but his words lit the match to set you off.
“You’re not even here to know what happened,” you snap, he’s really got you fucked up right now.
“They’re three years old-“
“And they weren’t listening to me and were screaming for you,” it was moments like this that you wished flip phones were still a thing so you could clap it shut on him.
“I have spent my days being the villain so that when you come home you’re the hero!” Your tone is laced with venom and you know it’s a big day for Cameron, you know he has a job to do but this is hard right now.
“Noa loved my pancakes yesterday but now they’re not good enough because yours are better. I have to spend hours at night trying to get them to sleep because I can’t read their bedtime stories the way you do,”
You don’t realize it but you’re crying. You’ve been keeping this bottled for weeks, months even and now that the dam is broken, it all comes rushing out.
“I deal with hours of screaming after they fight but they tell me they don’t want me, they want you!”
You swallow the hiccup that threatened to hurt your chest. You know he was just trying to play mediator, he’s aware that him being gone isn’t easy, he really wasn’t trying to come across as condescending.
“So apologies for snapping at the girls when it’s all on me right now.”
You know it’s not fair, but you hang up before he can even get another word in.
You two never end a call before saying I love you.
You rest your head against the cold wall, relishing in the fact that it brings the heat within your body down. Your chest hurts from trying to keep your sobs in so the girls don’t hear you. Your eyes squeeze tight, shaking your head and trying to pull it together.
“Mama?”
You stand straight, quickly wiping your tears before turning to see Nyla standing there with her head peaking around the corner
“Hey, baby” you squat to meet her at eye level, “You okay?”
“I’m done eating my pancakes” her eyes fall to the ground, breaking your heart that she won’t look at you.
“Okay, let’s get you cleaned up then, yeah?”
“Did I make you cry?” She asks softly, eyes now searching yours.
“What?” You huff out a little chuckle, a smile twitching on your lips.
“You were crying.”
“N-no. No, I wasn’t,” you shake your head and swallow thickly, “Mama is fine. Just worried about you. I’m sorry for raising my voice. That’s not nice nor is it fair. I won’t do that again. I love you.”
“I love you too!” She bounces on her toes and you feel a little better when you see the happy twinkle in her eyes as she says it.
You tickle her and her shrill laughter fills the room and she’s quickly deterred from the thought of you crying.
“What do you say we all dress up and have our tea party!”
“TEA PAWTY!!!!” Noa’s hands slam on the table, scooting her chair out to hurry and run over to you and Nyla, where she throws herself into the pile of cuddles.
You smile at the feeling of your girls squeezing you tight. They pull away and hold each other’s hand as they run to their room to pick out what to wear.
You brewed actual tea in the tea pot to make this as authentic as possible. They love their tea parties with you and it brings a sense of reassurance that they do enjoy spending time with you. That you are doing something right.
The day was spent dancing and clinking your tea cups. You three watched all the trolls movies and had dinner at your tea party table, even though you had to sit with your knees into your chest because the table is made to fit them.
You’re still in your tea party dress as you bathe them and get them ready for bed but of course now is when they want to fight you again.
“Don’t read dat one! Only papa can read dat one!” Noa was sobbing while she fought sleep, Nyla was in the floor playing with her building blocks when she was supposed to be in bed.
“But you like this one!” You tried to be enthusiastic, holding back tears yet again. You’re on your knees in the floor trying to reason with them.
“Papaaaaaaaaaa!!!” Noa looks you dead in the eyes while she screams for him and you once again become the personification of defeat.
“Please?” Your voice cracks, “Just let me read you your favorite story?”
“We don’t want you! We want papa!!!” Nyla throws her plastic Lego-like building blocks and one hits you in the forehead, causing you to bend over with your hand held to your forehead, hissing when the sting sets in.
“Hey!” Cameron’s voice fills the room and all the crying and tantrums stop at the drop of a hat, “Apologize to your mama right now. Both of you.”
“But-,” Noa hiccups
“Noa Grace.” His voice is stern and she knows she doesn’t have a choice. You sit up and wipe your face, needing to pull yourself together.
The girls walk over with a pout on their faces and embarrassment in their eyes.
“I’m sowwy, mama.” Noa goes to hug you and you return it, Nyla on the other hand just stares at your forehead and she begins to cry.
“I gave you a boo-boo, oh noooo!” she freaks out and you dab your finger on the spot that stings on your forehead, finding your fingertip accessorized with blood. Not a lot, but enough to freak her out.
“I hurt you! I’m sorry I hurt you, mama. I’m so sorry!”
“H-hey, hey. It’s okay.” You hold her trembling hands to calm her down, “It was an accident. They happen. You have nothing to worry about. See?”
You wipe the blood off with the back of your hand, “All gone!” You smile at her despite your chin trembling.
“It’s okay! Plus,” you glance over to Cam, he looks pissed, he doesn’t even know what to say right now, “Papa is here to read your favorite bed time story!”
You wipe their tears and kiss their foreheads, urging them to go to bed, “He’s gonna do all the different voices and everything! Right?” You look to him, spurring him to soften his face and just help the girls go to sleep.
“Right!” His hands run over his pants as he takes a deep breath to calm down, “Let’s get you two tucked in or else the tickle monster iiiiiis gonna get you!”
He makes his hands in the shape of claws, chasing the girls so they can run to their beds and curl up under their blankets.
“Give mama a kiss and say goodnight!”
Noa gives you a kiss on your left cheek and Nyla gives one on your right but her eyes go wide again
“It’s back,” she points to your forehead
“Don’t worry about that,” you kiss her little hands, “In the morning it won’t even look like it’s there!”
You finished tucking them in, heading downstairs to the living room to clean up the mess today’s chaos created.
You feel tear drops fall on your hands in the midst of putting the toys away. You hear Cameron’s dramatic voice acting and their laughter. Your chest tightens, trying to breathe between each hitch of breath.
You want your girls to have the good relationship with their mother in ways that you never did. But you’re just not doing something right. You can’t let them grow up hating you.
You can’t fail them.
But it seems that somehow, you are, even when you try hard as hell, you fail and they scream for Cameron.
You don’t realize much you’re holding in, you don’t realize how hard you’re washing the dishes. You’re frantic and you’re trying to keep it in. You do your best to keep it in until you hear Cameron’s voice over your shoulder and he’s pulling your hands out of the hot water, removing the sponge and the tea cup from your tightened grasp.
“Hey,” it’s a gentle whisper but you try to pull away from him because if you don’t finish these dishes- if you don’t have a distraction, you’ll shatter.
“Let me see,” he turns your head to check out your forehead, where the blood was coagulating now.
“I’m fine.” you jerk your head from his grasp and refuse to make eye contact.
“You’re not,” he retorts, “You’re far from fine and you’ve been holding it in-“
“I’m a mom, I don’t have time to let it out.” You shake your head frantically, just wanting to get back to the task at hand.
“Yes you do. I’m right here.”
“I’ve gotta finish dishes, Cam.” you sniffle, giving another futile attempt to get out of his grip but he wasn’t letting up.
“I said I’m here,”
“Yeah, after everything!” You push him away, going back to the sink to scrub every dish spotless, “After!”
Cameron goes to speak but you talk over him, hands burning from how hot the water is.
“Noa threw up on me yesterday from sneaking into the snack cabinet and you wanna know who she whined for? You. Nyla needed help choosing a pair of boots for an outfit last week and she screamed for you because I chose an ugly color,”
Your hand was gripping the thin tea cup, they’ve all been clean a long time ago but you just need to scrub and scrub until it feels right.
“Nyla threw a tantrum in the grocery store on Monday and I had to leave without our fucking groceries because she screamed bloody murder for you so loudly that people thought I kidnapped my own daughter!”
“Baby, the cup is clean. Just stop and talk to m-“
“Oh you’ll just criticize my mothering skills and talk to me like I’m a shit mom,” there was spit flying and wet streaks down your cheeks. You were so worked up and frantic that you were getting lightheaded and your ears started ringing.
“That’s not true,” his brows raise high, Cameron thinks you’re the best mother to exist. He talks about you all the time and how lucky he is to call you his wife and the mother of his children. He’d never think you’re a shit mother.
“You did it earlier! You speak in this belittling tone and talk to me as if I’m stupid!”
Cameron doesn’t recall speaking to you in a condescending way. He does, however, remember trying to lessen your worries earlier. He remembers trying to say that things like that happen, you just have to step away for a minute to recollect yourself.
He never meant to make it seem like you were a bad mom.
“You’re the one who’s fucking gone all the time and yet they cry, scream and thrash for you as if I don’t exist. My efforts are useless!”
Cameron hears a soft crack from the sink. The cup is breaking in your hands.
“Baby, let’s worry about dishes later.”
“I’m turning exactly into the mother I swore I would never be! My girls fucking hate me!”
It finally shatters in your hand, stabbing you with small jagged pieces.
“Fuck!” You slam the pieces into the empty side of the sink, blood staining the porcelain.
“Babe!” He pulls you away from the sink, looking between your hand and your flushed features. Not sure of whether he should tend to your hand first or your forehead or console you, “Breathe, honey. I’m right here, just breathe.”
“No! No! Don’t… treat me like I’m crazy!”
“Y/N, seriously. You’re bleeding. Just let me take care of it and then we can handle everything else.”
You look at your left hand, and it’s the first time you felt the stinging. You hold it close to your chest, whimpering. You try to swallow the pain but it came in a bursting wave of heat.
“Sit down.” He guided you to the dining room table and wiped your tears away. He kneels in front of you and runs his hands up and down your thighs, “I’m just gonna go get some stuff to clean this and then we can talk, okay?”
“Y-yeah.” A single nod from you is enough for him. When Cameron stands up, he makes sure to give you three kisses.
It’s your thing. 3 kisses for each word in the phrase “I love you” - it works when words just won’t do. When he’s out of sight, you fall back against the chair and all the weight of today is crushing you.
Your forehead is tender, your neck is tight, your head is throbbing and you’re just clutching your trembling hand, blood dripping down your wrist and onto your dress.
Cameron comes back with a whole basket of things. A hand towel, cotton balls, cotton swabs, wound wash, antibiotic ointment, tweezers and a mini desk lamp.
He goes to wash his hands, taking this seriously. He comes over with a bottle of water and some Tylenol in tow. He sets down the hand towel and turns on the lamp before sliding the medicine bottle cap over to you, the tri-colored capsules staring back at you.
“Here, take these,” he grabs the wound wash, spraying some in the cap so he can dip his cotton swabs in.
He acted as if he was performing surgery. When he was able to remove each piece, he’d go behind with the saturated cotton swap to clean up the blood and disinfect it. He took his time and he apologized each time you whined when he had to dig just a little deeper to get a piece of the glass.
When he was sure he got all of it, he took you over to the sink to run warm water over it, softly massaging the antibacterial soap into your palm with his finger tips.
“Ow!,” your hand jerks back and you look up at him. His features are gentle and apologetic, he’d never want to hurt you.
“Is the water too hot?” He questioned, turning the handle so the water comes out a little cooler before you even give him an answer.
“Just tender is all.” You sound so exhausted, so sad. You’re running on fumes and Cameron can see how physically and mentally tired you are.
“That’s what happens when you break glass with your bare hands.” His tone was playful, wanting to make sure he doesn’t sound patronizing.
That’s gonna bother him. Cameron has always made sure to speak to you respectfully, no matter what. He’s not sure how he let that happen earlier.
You grin at his little smirk, biting back a hiss while he pats your palm dry, leading you back to the table where he applies the ointment.
When he’s done, you pull it back into your chest to self soothe. He sits back with a huff and looks at you knowingly.
He’s trying to fashion the words so they don’t sound pointed. Seeing you like this was hard for him. Every night he’d come home and you’d smile as if you weren’t put through hell. You’d kiss him and dote on him as if your heart wasn’t aching on the inside from the trials and tribulations the day put you through.
He hates that it got to the point where you felt as if you couldn’t vent to him and ask him for help.
But even then, the way the call ended… he knows you did it so he felt how you did and he had to go the rest of the day with that pit in his stomach.
“You hung up without saying I love you” he says plainly, “I know you were overwhelmed but we never hang up without saying I love you.”
Cameron was genuinely hurt.
“I didn’t even get to say it to the girls.”
“I’m sorry,” you rub your temples, hoping the Tylenol will kick in soon, “I just… you don’t understand.”
“Maybe I don’t,” he shrugs, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, “If I’m falling short somewhere, you talk to me about it. You don’t let it fester until it blows up in your face.”
“When do I have time to talk to you, Cameron? Genuinely.” You lean forward just the same, “Most days you’re gone before I wake up and you come home after I’m in bed. It’s just me and my girls-“
“Our… girls.” His face contorts into an expression that lets you know your words stung.
“You know I didn’t mean it like that!” You clench your hand, forgetting that quick that it’s injured, “Fuck!”
You’re so tired of crying for today, you’re tired of the heat flashes from frustration radiating all over your body. Like thousands of dull, hot needles scraping your skin raw.
“You only ever call to talk to them.” You lean back in your chair and stare at your hands in your lap, “Most of the time I’m behind the camera trying to hold back tears. I know I’m not the most perfect mom but I’m trying! Yet I just keep hitting a dead end.”
You can feel Cameron staring at you, just trying to get you to look at him but it wasn’t working. You know he didn’t abandon you. You know he’s out there providing for his family in a different way than you. But looking at him felt like you were looking at a stranger.
“They told me on Tuesday that they hate me.” You try to smile as a coping mechanism but it’s in vain, “It was after I had to leave our groceries. I could have done a delivery order but I was going mad within these walls. I wasn’t thinking straight. I couldn’t make the sliders you make for lunch because I didn’t have the rolls.”
You tilt your head back and rest your right hand on your forehead, forgetting the sore spot there too.
“I couldn’t make what they wanted so they threw a tantrum, begged for you to be here and told me they hate me and that they wish I was the one who was gone all the time.”
Laughter shakes your chest but Cameron can see the sobs that are buried underneath.
“I can’t blame them because I cry for you most days too.” Another shrug to seem nonchalant about this is given.
“Baby, why didn’t you tell me?!” His hands are splayed out in confusion, “I could have talked to them. Told them they don’t say that shit to their mom-“
“One of us has to be the bad guy.”
“No we don’t!”
“Yes we do, that’s just how parenting works sometimes.”
“Then let me be the bad guy for once.”
Your eyes finally meet his gaze and he can see that you feel like you’re at a loss here. The both of you know that the love you have for your daughters runs deep, all the way to the marrow and is sewn into every cell and nerve in your body.
But it’s hard. It’s been hard and you’ve been keeping it from him because you didn’t want to seem like an ungrateful wife while he’s working day in and day out.
This is all gutting Cameron. He now knows his absence hasn’t been easy for you or the girls. He sure as hell knows it hasn’t been easy for him, he knows he should be home raising his daughters and growing with you.
That’s exactly what his meeting was for today.
“They adore you,” you shake your head, “They run to you when they see you. They do a little happy dance when your ringtone goes off. I can’t let them treat you the way they treat me.”
“Baby, the way they treat you isn’t fair. They skipped the terrible twos so they’re in their terrible threes but that doesn’t mean they treat you like this.”
You just look to him tiredly and shrug, “I just need you here.” Your voice cracks like glass and it makes Cameron wince.
“I knew what I was getting myself into when we got together and then got married and had the girls but I’m fucking drowning and it’s killing me to be selfish but I just need you.”
Your fingertips press into your lips to hold your sobs in. With the way your chest is moving, Cameron can tell it’s hurting you to keep them buried.
“I’m retiring,” he swallowed thickly, gauging your reaction. He didn’t have a big photo shoot today like he claimed.
Football was his life and it’s been his life since you two met in *middle school. But the goal post has shifted and he’s not upset about it. He’s comfortable with his decision. There wasn’t a twinge of doubt when he made this choice.
His words soak in and somehow it discombobulated you even more.
“You love football!” Eyes as wide as saucers, “Cameron, that’s a drastic decision to make.”
You weren’t upset with him but for as long as you’ve known Cameron, football is him and he is football.
“I love my wife and my family more than the field,” he scoots closer now, brushing his thumb over the the little bandaid he placed on your forehead.
“I told coach my concerns aaaaand he got me in with someone who works in marketing. I’ll still be with the team just not as their quarterback but their brand manager.”
You should be happy, you should be relieved that he’ll finally have a good work-life balance. Except guilt began to boil. You fear that later down the road he’s going to resent you.
“But you love football… I can’t be the reason you leave the field.” Eyelashes spiked and glistening, your eyes are bouncing back and forth as you try to process this information.
“Baby, I’ve been at this for years. I can’t live hearing my baby girls’ voices through the phone. I can’t live knowing I could miss more milestones while I’m out on the road. I certainly can’t live knowing my wife feels abandoned. That the whole world is on her shoulders and she keeps it in for so long she’s breaking cups in her hands.”
“You’re gonna resent me-“
“I promise I won’t,” he’s gentle when he takes your hands in his, kissing each palm softly before bringing them into his chest, “I’ve been wanting this since we found out we were gonna be parents. It’s still great money but I get to be home. I get to help you and be there for you and be there for Noa and Nyla and we get to feel like a family.”
Your face is contorted in a cocktail of emotions. Guilt, relief, frustration, fear. Your cheeks are so damp and the muscles in your neck are so sore from trying to swallow your cries.
“I’m coming home.”
You fling yourself in his arms, squeezing him so tight that neither of you can breathe.
“I love you. I’m so sorry, I was just so overwhelmed..”
“I know,” his hands rest on your waist, resting his forehead against yours, holding space for you to let it out.
“They hate me, Cam.”
He could feel your wails vibrate deep in his chest. You’ve never seemed so defeated and scared.
“They always call for you and I call for you and you aren’t there. I didn’t mean to yell at them, I don’t want them scared of me. I can’t let them grow up how I did. Please believe me, I didn’t mean to snap, I just… fuck!”
The salty drops were dripping off the tip of your nose and the saliva was thickening in your mouth. Cam became a blurry blob and everything just fucking hurts.
“I believe you. Trust me, baby. They don’t hate you.”
“Yes they do!”
“No, honey. They don’t.”
With his hands cradling your face, you’re able to see how tightly his brows were knitted together, his eyes dampening at the corners.
“Before they fell asleep they asked ‘can you tell mama we love her and we’re sorry?’… they’re kids and we will talk to them. I… will talk to them. But you’re not alone anymore and I’m sorry you were in the first place. It shouldn’t have taken all of this for me to see it.”
You had no words left. Your energy was completely and utterly depleted. You collapse into him, just breathing in his cologne and letting his arms pull you in.
“Everything hurts.”
“You want a shower or a bath?” He kisses the shell of your ear, his large hands running up and down your back. You’re too tired to stand and shower.
“Bath, please”
Your eyes couldn’t stop watering. Not out of sadness anymore but pure exhaustion.
He carries you to the bathroom and sets you on the bathroom counter so he can start the water, get it to the temperature of your liking and add your favorite bubbles.
Cameron came back over to you and took the time to take off your make up. Using the micellar water and a cotton pad to gently take off the smudged mascara that clumped under your eyes.
“I probably look like I’ve had to fight all my life right now.”
You two shared a genuine laugh, the energy between you two getting a little lighter.
“I love you in all your forms,” he says as he saturates another cotton pad.
“Fresh out of bed with your hair all over your head because your bonnet slipped off in your sleep. All sweaty after the gym. Fresh and clean on a date night. Blissed out after sex while we have the house to ourselves for the weekend.”
He uses the cotton pad to swipe down your cheeks, making sure to use gentle motions as to not tug at your skin.
“With flour all over your face after trying a new baking recipe. Even after a long day of fighting with our twins and your mascara running. You are beautiful in every form and I’m sorry you haven’t been able to feel that way lately.”
Your eyes meet his and within the cool bathroom lighting, you’re able to witness just how sorry and guilty he feels.
“The pressure to provide for our family kept you away and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left it all to you.”
“Don’t apologize,” he grabs your shower cap and is gentle to put your hair in it, “I always had the idea that I’d take care of you. I didn’t want you to have to lift a finger. I thought I was making life peaceful but I just left you hanging.”
“You didn’t know.” You assure, “Of course parenting isn’t easy but I know you didn’t just say fuck me and decided to leave me here. I love our girls it just gets hard sometimes.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t take any of that into account.” He stands you up to help you out of your dress and get you bare.
“We’ll take it easy on your hand then I’ll put some gauze on after, okay?”
Cameron was always so gentle. Just as you would help give him a bath after bad practice days, he does the same for you.
He sits outside of the tub while you just relax, letting the water alleviate the tightness in your muscles. His hand just scoops the water and runs it over your back.
“Can’t wait to fall asleep with you and wake up to you like we used to.” He mumbles, “I actually get to wake up so I can make you and the girls breakfast and I get to be home for dinner. I missed you so much.”
His throat tightens up when you look to him with red, weary eyes. His wet thumb caresses your cheek, being this close felt like peace and security.
“I’ve missed you so much more,” your voice quivers, “Promise me you won’t hate me for not being on the field anymore.”
He could see the gears in your mind stalling, you had so much on your plate and the last thing you need is to worry about him resenting you later down the road resulting in an argument, or worse, regret leading to divorce.
“I was burnt out a long time ago,” he comforted, “It gutted me when I missed Nyla taking her first steps. I had to watch it through a screen. I just barely made it home in time to see Noa’s. Or that video you sent when Noa came running around the corner squealing because she used the potty by herself for the first time. Hearing Nyla say papa for the first time through a phone speaker…”
Cameron felt himself getting worked up over these memories. He never admitted how many times he’s watched those videos back just to feel better about the fact he wasn’t there.
“I can’t do that to myself anymore. Not to you and not to them. Words can’t express just how bad and how long I have wanted this and seeing you so… inundated earlier only confirmed I’m making the right choice.”
His eyes like wet sea glass, his own body flooding with empathy for you and your feelings.
“When Nyla threw the block at you and it hit you, I had to remember they’re just kids but I snapped and it shouldn’t have taken that for me to understand you.”
Cameron grabbed a fresh wash cloth and helped wash the day off of you. He’s gentle with drying you off and applying gauze to your hand. He switches your shower cap for your bonnet, applies moisturizer to your face and guides you to bed after helping you get your muumuu on.
“When you wake up I’ll be right here and if I’m not, it’s because I’m downstairs cooking for the little monsters.”
You didn’t even try to fight the sleep that was demanding to be acknowledged. Cameron quickly changed into some sweats so he could crawl in bed and just hold you like he’s been missing.
He kept his word though. When the warmth of the morning peeks through the curtains you still feel the weight of his arms keeping you close and you can hear his deep breathing as his face is nestle in your neck.
You don’t even get a chance to move when you hear little soft knocks on the door. Two little heads peek around the mahogany.
Then the sound of little pattering feet on the hardwood floors. Finally, you finally see them.
Their bright brown eyes with their pink and purple matching jammies and bonnets.
“Can we get in wif you?” Noa asks politely, coming closer. She was playing with her fingers and her little doe eyes flickered back and forth from her little appendages to you.
She’s still worried about her behavior from yesterday.
“Of course, Jellybean. Come here!” You open your eyes wide and her eyes lit up as if it were Christmas morning. She jumps up in her pink onesie and turns back to Nyla.
“C’mon we get to way wif mama and papa!” She held her hand out for her sister who didn’t seem so sure.
Nyla stepped forward and placed her little hand on your cheek. She rubs it gently as her eyes roam over your face to the little boo-boo she gave you.
“I’m sorry for being bad.” She kisses your forehead and gauges your reaction.
“Baby, you’re okay.” You pull her up into bed with you and she’s quick to become the little spoon, “I forgive you, but we’re gonna have a talk later about what actions are okay and what’s not.”
“You still wuv us, wight?” Noa rests her head on your arm, gripping it tight.
“I’m always going to love you two.”
“Do I hear little monsters in my bed?” Cameron’s sleepy voice is muffled. For once, they came straight to you and ignored their sleeping father right next to you.
“Papa!!!” Noa jumps on him, making him roll over on his back and wrap his large arms around her, practically making her disappear in his embrace.
“You want my pancakes or waffles for breakfast?”
“We want mama’s French toast!” When Nyla lifts her head to answer him, all he can see is her purple bonnet and eyes. He missed this so bad.
“I think mama needs a break. I’ll make them using her recipe how’s that?” He leans his head over your arm to come face to face with her, rubbing their noses together causing her to giggle.
“Okay! Cmon, Ny!” Noa squirms out of Cameron’s grasp and grabs Nyla’s hand, the both of them running down the hall but the sound of their footsteps slows down as they carefully make their way down the stairs.
“You stay in bed and just recuperate. Once I get them settled and eating I’ll come back up so we can clean your hand.”
He peppers kisses all over your face until you’re breaking out in a fit of laughter.
“I love you so fucking much.”
“I love you more.”
Your body melts into his when he kisses your lips. It’s a very soft moment between you two but it’s quickly shut down when you hear Noa gagging.
“Ew!” She shouts, her head is seen in between the beams of the stairs. She looks weirded out when she sees it. It been so long since you and Cam have been able to show affection.
“Das gwoss!!” She frowns
“Aren’t you supposed to be downstairs?” Cameron asks, laughter taking over him.
“Well yeah but you were takin’ too wong. We hungwy.”
“Sorry your majesty, I’ll be right there.” He waits for her to leave but she doesn’t. She just sits there with her arms crossed.
“Yeah, you said dat the first time!”
“I told you they’re a handful” you whisper, biting back the chuckle that bubbles in your throat.
“They get it from you.” He stands off the bed and you look at him incredulously.
“Absolutely not! They act just like you!”
Cam playfully smacks your ass before getting out of bed to swoop Noa off the steps to carry her squealing self down the steps.
You had to fight every urge that told you to get up and go down stairs to be with your family. You’ve been on go so much that you feel selfish for wanting to rest. But you know if you got your ass up, Cam would rip you a new one.
So, you rest. You close your eyes and let sleep welcome you back in with open arms. You let the smell of Cameron’s cologne and the girls’ body wash wrap you in a cocoon of comfort.
It’s noon before your body allows you to wake up, feeling recharged enough to take on the day.
Cam comes in at the perfect time, checking up on you.
“Hey, baby” he approaches your side of the bed, sitting on the edge to run his thumb over your cheek.
“Hey, honey” your eyes still adjusting to the sun.
“Ready to clean your hand?”
The dull ache that radiated told you no, but you know you didn’t really have a choice. Your husband guides you to the bathroom to sit you on the counter and gets to work.
“They’re down for a nap and we’ll have a talk at dinner.” He informs, careful with his qtips and antibiotic ointment.
“Maybe we shouldn’t? I think I was just overreacti-“
“Absolutely not.” His arms cage in your frame while his hands rest on the counter. His eyes are dead serious about this, “Yes, they’re kids but there’s certain things you don’t do and things you definitely don’t say to your parents. They need to know that, baby.”
Your stomach churned thinking about it. You hated to see their faces when they were in trouble and sad but he was right. A stern talking to was very much needed.
“I’ll do all the talking, I’ll be the bad guy, I don’t care.” He stands back up straight to get the gauze wrap ready so he can finish your hand and turn his attention to your forehead, cleaning that and opting to leave that with just a little ointment instead of putting a butterfly bandage on it.
“I’ll cook dinner, you continue to rest.” Three small but intense kisses are planted on your lips and you feel your shoulders relax.
You needed this.
Cameron kept his word. Taking care of everything around the house, fixing them a light lunch, cleaning up after the girls and cooking dinner.
You, on the other hand, listened to your husband and your body, resting in bed all day while finally starting that show you’ve been hearing people rant and rave about.
“Mamaaaaaa!!” You hear Nyla and Noa sing in harmony, their little fists rapping on the door.
“Come in!” You prop yourself up on the bed, moving the sleeves of Cam’s hoodie down, something you’d changed into earlier instead of staying in your muumuu all day.
They swing the door open and run to your side of the bed, bright smiles and wide eyes when they see you.
“We missed you!!” Nyla holds your hand and jumps up and down, Noa is behind her spinning in circles of excitement.
“I missed my babies too!” You pull them both up on the bed, attacking them with kisses all over their faces just to hear their shrill laughter.
“What are you two up to?” You snicker, pulling them into your chest, finding comfort when they rest their heads on opposite sides of your chest.
“Papa told us to tell you dinner is weady! He made your favowite!” Noa throws her arm up as if to say ✨ta-daaaa✨
“Did he now?” You maneuver yourself out of bed without putting the girls down as they have now clung to you like koala bears, their arms crisscrossed around your neck.
“He did!” Nyla giggles.
You carefully make your way downstairs and into the dining room where you see him setting the table.
“Hey, baby.” Cameron comes over to take the girls from your arms to sit them in their booster seats, “How’re you feeling?”
Once he buckles them into their seats, he pulls your seat out for you at the round table. Noa and Nyla are on opposite sides (if they sit side by side, they’ll just play and won’t eat) while you and Cameron are on opposite sides as well, kind of like a compass. Because moments like this guide you to that feeling of *home.
“Much better! I’ve been alternating between Tylenol and ibuprofen and it’s helping with the pain.” You hold your hand up and tilt your head in its direction.
“Good!”
You reach to make the girls’ plates but Cam is quicker.
“Nuh uh,” is all he mutters, plating their food and setting it in front of them.
“Ew what’s dis?” Noa points to the different colored carrots, leaning back and eyes wide as if they’d bite her.
“Rainbow carrots, you’ll like them.” Cameron answers while making your plate, “They’re just like regular carrots, Jellybean. I promise.”
She looks at him with unease, she knows he’ll never lie to her but she’s the not-so-adventurous one when it comes to food.
“At least give them a try. If you don’t like them that’s fine. But at least you’ll get to say you tried something new. Deal?”
“Eeeeeeeee!!” She squeaks while thinking, “Deal!” She picks up her pink fork and stabs the purple carrot, taking a small, cautious bite. You and Cameron watch her with smirks on your faces, holding in your laughter when her eyes glow.
“Gooooood!” She gives a thumbs up and finishes the rest of the piece she nibbled on. Nyla on the other hand has already finished half her carrots.
Dinner carried on with the girls telling you what a fun filled day they had with their dad. They played ‘just dance’, they read many books and he even painted their toenails!
“It was a fun day! But we missed you!” Nyla blew you a kiss, which you caught and held to your chest. Everyone’s plates were clean but no one moved. You knew Cameron was trying to fashion his words so that way their little minds can handle this conversation.
“Can we have a bubble bath now?” Noa looks at her papa but he clears his throat and shakes his head.
“Not yet Jellybean, we actually need to talk about some things.” He turned on his serious voice and you noticed how the girls side eyed each other.
“About what?” Nyla asks timidly, she starts fiddling with her hands, “Are we in trouble?”
“You’re not in trouble, baby.” You lean over to wipe the sauce from dinner off the corner of her mouth.
“But we do need to talk about your actions lately.” Cameron’s eyes go from Nyla to Noa and you see how their shoulders sag, knowing that their actions have caught up to them.
“Mama has told me some of the mean things you’ve been saying to h-”
“We didn’t mean it!” Noa whines
“Let me finish,” his eyes aren’t aggressive but they’re stern so she knows not to interrupt.
“I know I’m gone a lot. But whether I’m away or I’m here, your mama does everything she can to make sure you’re safe, happy and healthy. You do not, and I mean do. NOT… say that you hate her.”
Both of their eyes are glued on him and they look so sad. You know this talk needs to happen but you hate that glistening, melancholic look in their eyes.
“When she takes you two to the store, you don’t throw tantrums when she says you can’t have a candy bar. You don’t sneak into the snack cabinet and treat her like a meanie when your stomach hurts.”
Noa looks at you and her bottom lip trembles, it’s taking everything in you not to swoop her up and console her. They’re not used to Cameron being the one to say no, but you know they need to hear it. So, you nod your head to your husband, telling her to pay attention and she listens.
“Your mama is an awesome mama and there are many, many kids who wish they had one as amazing as yours. She loves you more than anything in this world.”
Your own eyes well, feeling the weight of the world finally fall off your shoulders knowing your husband has your back. You knew he always did but it feels good to hear it.
“It is not fair to treat her like that. So I don’t wanna hear about you two saying things like you hate her and I definitely don’t want to hear about or see either of you throwing something at her when she fights like hell to be there for you two. Do I make myself clear?”
The girls are silent. You know they’re not ignoring him, they’re just trying to process his words all while keeping their emotions at bay. But the dam breaks when he calls them out by name.
“Noa Grace, do I make myself clear?” His eyebrows raise and it prompts her to intensely nod her head.
“Y-yes, papa.” Her voice trembles and it breaks your heart.
“Nyla Mae?”
She swallows thickly and starts hiccuping from crying.
“Y-y-yes.” She nods trying to be strong.
“Good. Now tell your mama you’re sorry.”
Before you can even blink, they’re unbuckling themselves from their high chairs and jumping down to run to you and climb in your lap and cry into your shoulders.
“I’m sorry!” … “I’m sorry, mama!”
You rock them side to side, your eyes red and watery while trying to soothe them.
“Thank you” you mouth the words to Cameron.
He gets up to come to your side and stand you up, the girls still in your arms, weeping their little hearts out.
“We don’t hate you!” Nyla shrieks.
“I know, Gumdrop. I know.” You look up to Cameron and he wraps his arms around the three of you, now you’re sobbing just as the girls are.
It took some time for you and the girls to calm down enough before Cam could leave you all to clean up the table and put the leftovers away.
When you’re level headed again, you run the girls their bubble bath and they finally relax enough to play with their rubber ducks and sing songs with you.
After being lotioned and pajama’ed up, Cam takes them so you can shower yourself and get ready for bed. When you’re in your pajamas, you see Cam waiting with the girls at the foot of the bed. They’re sitting on each side of him like a royal council. It’s quite adorable.
“What do we have here?” A proud smile spreads across your face. This is your family, even with the ups and downs.
“The girls have a question to ask you.” He nudges them and they look at each other again, urging the other to ask you.
“Well?” You chuckle, watching as Noa plays with the pink bow on her pajamas. Nyla is messing with the tie on her purple bonnet but she’s the one to get up and walk over to you, looking up at you with those adorable, Pixar movie cartoon eyes.
“Can we… Can we sleep with you and papa tonight?”
“Mmmm, dunnoooo,” you tapped your finger on your chin as if you were really thinking about it, “I sayyyyy… yes!”
“Can we have hot chocolate too?!” Noa bounces on the bed in excitement, “Extra, eeeextra marshmallows!!!”
“It is the weekend and I’m off.” Cameron shrugs, his lips curling up in a smirk, “I can make it when I’m out the shower.”
“Actually,” you swoop Noa up off the bed and she immediately clings to you, “I’m gonna teach them mama’s way.”
Cameron sends you off with a kiss and you make your way to the kitchen, pulling up chairs for them to stand on so they can help you.
You pulled out the kids safety knives so they could chop up the chocolate. Then you help them pour the milk in the pot to get it simmering. They’re singing the Polar Express hot chocolate song while they stir with your help and guidance.
“And now we have to add the secret ingredients and we’ll be all done!”
“What are dey?” Noa questioned, ready to taste something she made!
“Cinnamon sugar and a kiss!” You grab the cinnamon and take a pinch to add to the pot and stir.
“A kiiiiiss?!” Nyla tilts her head in confusion.
It’s something you’ve always done and in your mind it just makes it taste better since you’re putting one last touch of love in it.
“Yeah! Doesn’t it always taste good when mama makes it?”
“Yes!” They cheer in unison.
“It’s because I add a kiss! See, just like this. Mwwaaah” you kiss your fingertips in a “chef’s kiss” motion and sprinkle it in the bowl.
“Try it!” You urge, they seem a little unsure but again, they trust you.
“Mwaaah! Hehehe” Nyla mimics you and sprinkles it in with so much joy etched into her face.
“Mwwwaaaah!” Noa, ever the drama queen, does it with both hands and does a little shimmy when she sprinkles it into the bowl.
“And now you stir!” They put their hands over yours and you all stir.
Once it’s all mixed in, you grab two adult mugs and their spill proof mugs.
Just so it’s not too hot, you add a few ice cups and get everyone’s drinks ready with marshmallows, whipped cream and more cinnamon sugar on top.
“Babies, can you grab your cups so I can carry mine and papa’s?”
“Yes mama!”
You love it when they speak in unison, you can’t believe you made carbon copies. These little girls are your world and you will love them through every hardship.
Cameron is already waiting in bed with a family movie up on the tv.
“Here,” you take their cups and hand them Cameron’s mug, “Be careful and take this to papa! He’ll be so happy you two made it!”
Their little hands frame the cup and they match each other’s stride.
“We made this for you and added the secret ingredients!” Nyla yelped in excitement.
“What’s the secret recipe?” Cameron tests to see if they’ll slip.
“Well… we can’t tell you. It’s secwet for a weason!” Noa says in a matter-of-fact tone, “Dwink it!!”
They shove the cup in his hands, luckily not spilling it.
He brings the cup to his lips and throws his head back at the taste.
“Mama’s recipe is the best.” He compliments, “And she has the best helpers!”
Noa and Nyla crawled in over Cameron and snuggled in the middle between you two, bringing the blanket up to their chins and reaching out for their cups, getting straight to drinking it.
“So yummy!!!” Noa shouts, she has to, in order to convey her excitement.
“It’s because we added extra of the secret ingredients!!” Nyla not-so-quietly whispers. Cameron does everything in his power to not burst out in laughter. Your children really are characters.
The movie of the night is Coraline, you’d think such a movie would creep toddlers out but not these two. They hum along to the theme song and even go back and forth while saying the script.
They’re asleep right before the end of the movie, cups completely empty. Noa is curled up to Cameron and Nyla is snuggled into you. You’ll never get tired of this.
Cameron is careful when he takes their cups and sets them on the nightstand beside yours and his. He turns on a comfort show for background noise, knowing it helps you turn your brain off for the night.
“Thank you for having my back.” You smooth your hand over Nyla’s satin bonnet.
“I’m always gonna have your back, baby. I’m sorry it didn’t feel like I did before.”
Your eyes meet his in the blue light of the tv, his eyes said it all.
He wouldn’t trade this for the world.
“I’m home.”
————
If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for your attention and support!
If you enjoyed, please make sure to like, comment and reblog, it helps a ton!!
Much love,
~Berry 🫐
